Expect Pregnancy Tears. Always.

I'm surprised by how many comments I get from people asking about my blog or when I'm going to write something. My biggest fan is my husband, who is really good at reminding me to write. But I'm also grateful for the family and friends who read this and then share it with other family and friends. I would expect that more if my blog had tips or tutorials or other pinterest-worthy posts, but if you want to just read about my life and the little happenings of mortality, then that's great too. 

Let's go back in time a few weeks to Stephen's birthday! He's 24 now, which is pretty great. Stephen is a year and a few months older than me, but that means his birthday comes first in the year (My birthday is in December, so most people have their birthday before mine). I got him an umbrella, a tie, and some new headphones for his birthday. Well, his headphones he had chosen a few weeks earlier, but we still decided to count it in his list of presents, otherwise his list would be kind of lame. I made him breakfast in bed of some french toast and fresh strawberries. It was nice to eat it with him, as for most mornings, he's up and gone for school a few hours before I decide to get up out of bed myself (I blame pregnancy, because I still also nap in the middle of the day, and get tired first at night). His birthday landed on a Sunday this year, and it was the same day as the Ogden Temple re-dedication. This gave us time in the morning to be together and eat french toast and open presents. It was also conveniently raining that day, so his new umbrella got put to use right away, as well as his tie for the church meeting.

The temple dedications was so nice. I was worried about getting there earlier enough to get a good seat. I didn't want to get stuck in the back on a metal chair if I could help it. We arrived and noticed there were maybe ten other couples scattered through the chapel. We were only there 15 minuets before they would shut the doors. I was surprised, but Stephen said this was probably due to us attending the first session of the day--10:00 was too early for most, apparently. By the time the doors should have closed, the chapel was maybe half full, but they continued to let couples in right up until the program started. Only then did the meetinghouse seem full. Mormon-Standard-Time affects all at any age. 

The meeting itself was beautiful. I loved the inspired messages, and it helps to strengthen my testimony of the temple and the importance of the work. There was a talk about babies that made me cry. Really though, so many things can trigger my waterworks lately. Yesterday, it was a Cheerios commercial. A few days ago, it was a YouTube video of a couple with infertility treatment finding out they were pregnant. Stephen recommended I just avoid watching things about babies, and while that seems like the easy answer, I still do it. I also had a melt down last week about emergency preparedness and the world ending and what if the apocalypse happened while I went into labor oh my goodness. Rational fears, people.

After the meeting, we continued to celebrate Stephens birthday by not doing anything. I took my nap while Stephen enjoyed not doing homework. But that evening, I made him ramen taco salad. I had never heard of such a thing, but I got the recipe from his mom and went to work. Stephen had asked for the salad the day before while we were at the store, which reminds me of another story. So, side track, here we come!

Saturday morning, Stephen was working on homework while I was sitting in the living room with him. He then mentioned that french toast sounded good, and my contentment with any other food choice went out the window. Blame on pregnancy or on the fact that my husband can make really good suggestions, but I needed french toast, though I didn't have the ingredient for it. I debated within myself long enough, and then suggested to Stephen we go out to eat breakfast at a place that served endless french toast. He and I debated together for a while and then decided to go. We go to the restaurant, stood in line for a few minuets, and ordered only to be told it was too late in the day for the endless french toast. We were sad. I was on the verge of another crying meltdown. We debated in the car for another ten minutes and decided to go to the store and get what we needed for french toast. We got the bread and eggs, as well as the ramen taco salad ingredients, and went home and made french toast. It was a long, needless journey which could have been avoided had Stephen said pancakes sounded good. Regardless, we ate french toast, and there was much rejoicing.

Side track back to his birthday. Ramen taco salad for dinner, and grasshopper pie for dessert. We had phone calls from both sides of the family, and I took pictures of Stephen in front of his birthday sign. I came up with an excuse for him to go to the store Saturday afternoon during the football game and put his name on the wall while he was gone. However, he was quicker than I was, and he became suspicious when I locked him out and would only open the door a crack to talk to him while he stood at the doorstep with grocery bags in his arms. I never was good at surprises. He thought it was cute, right, Honey?

Stephen birthday was also my 20 week mark for my pregnancy, making me officially half way done, except the way they count weeks is kind of ridiculous and my due date is an arbitrary number that the baby doesn't respect. But, it did put me at the right point to find out the gender of our baby. I had scheduled the appointment for a time when Stephen could be there too, and we went the Monday after his birthday. I was a nervous wreck that morning. It's comical how scattered and stressed I can be, flying around the house, talking out loud to no one in particular, while Stephen calmly waits for me and then walks out the door with me, listening patiently to my rambles, opening doors for my distracted self, and drives off. I'm so grateful for his stability. I was chugging water, needing to have 36 ounces a half hour before the appointment. I used the restroom three times within minutes after the ultrasound just to get rid of everything.

We arrived at the birthing center and went into a different room than I had been in before. The ultrasound guy was ready for us, and soon enough, he was rubbing a cool wand on my belly. It didn't take long for the profile to appear. I was holding Stephen's hand through it all, and we squeezed each other's palm, excited. The baby's hand quickly raised to it's face and began sucking it's thumb. The technician snapped a photo, and it has become my favorite picture of my baby so far. He checked to make sure baby was developing normal and that the growth was on track. Finally, he went to the legs, and poked and prodded my belly enough to wake baby up and get baby to open their legs. The baby woke up, and got a good shot of the gender, then typed on the screen "g.i.r.l.". My first reaction was to declare "I knew it!" This made the technician and Stephen laugh, and then the reality sunk in. A girl. Not only am I having a baby, I'm having a daughter. Dresses and ruffles and pink and bows and barbie dolls and prom dresses and wedding and oh no she's growing up too fast. I was excited and giddy more than emotional (just keeping you all on your toes--you can't predict what will or wont make me cry). 

We went to the normal appointment and check up and the whole time, I was just focused on the fact that she was a girl. I'm sure my midwife said some great things, though. We left and in the car, I called my mom first. I had been getting texts through my appointment from both parents, but called my mom during her lunch break. She was very excited, as was my dad when I called him only a minute later. We picked up a few things from the store and called Stephen's mom and dad on our way home, letting them know they were getting another granddaughter. We got some Panda Express on our way home to celebrate, and I sent emails out to my sisters on their missions (and forgot to send it to Nicholas, my brother-in-law. Oops. Someone else told him though, so we're good.). Back at home, I began working on the announcement, as well as getting ready for a gender reveal party for some friends and family in the area. I made cupcakes with pink frosting on the inside. It was a fun way to tell my friends. After the party, I put a picture online on Facebook to let everyone else know Paige Elizabeth Rollins will be joining our family soon.

People have asked me why we chose the name. For Paige, it was a spiritual experience while in the temple almost a year ago. I felt her presence and was inspired that her name was Paige. I like to say that she picked her name. It was one Stephen and I had talked about, but weren't committed to. After the session, in the Celestial room, I told Stephen about my experience, and since, we've known our first daughter would be named Paige. Elizabeth is my middle name, and Stephen's parents gave their middle names to their first son and daughter, and we wanted to honor and carry on that tradition. So we also knew Elizabeth would be the middle name for our first daughter, and Bruce will be the middle name for our first son. We had already agreed on Paige Elizabeth's name before we were pregnant, as well as the first son's name (that can be a secret for a while still though), so finding out it was a girl meant we got to put her name to use right away. 

I like calling her Paige already, and I like it even more when Stephen calls her Paige. It helps everything to feel more real, like she's already a member of our family. She makes her presence known by kicking and punching my belly,and she's a night owl already. She's most active around 9 at night. I also noticed once when I think she had hiccups. It was adorable. My placenta is in the front of my stomach, which makes it hard for others to feel her, so Stephen's got to wait while she gets stronger. Besides the discomfort of Paige wanting to grow larger than my body is use to, I've been feeling a lot better. The vomiting is now a rare occurrence, which is probably the biggest blessing right now. I'm always tired, but not nearly as bad as I was during the first trimester. I'll get some lower back pain, and I'm looking into getting a maternity/baby carrying wrap to help hold everything where it needs to be. But really, I'm doing so much better. Thank you to all the concerned people who want to make sure I'm alright.

Before I end this post, I want to mention General Conference. Susan's investigator compared it to the Superbowl for Mormons, and I feel like that's accurate. I love getting the uplifting messages about the gospel and learning from great teachers and leaders. For me, I felt the overall theme seemed to be standing for what's right and making sure we're more concerned with our relationship with God than our relationship with others. It clicked with me that my beliefs are not just for me to use as a moral compass, but rather, God's laws and natural principles of what is right and wrong should be and are the moral standard for all. It makes me feel the need to be more bold in my beliefs and recognize while others have their own agency, I can't condone actions that are contrary to what is right or wrong. It also encourages me to look at my own actions and see what I might be justifying or rationalizing away. 

For the Sunday session of Conference, Stephen and I took my brother-in-law Matthew with us to visit Stephen's grandparents and my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, Heidi and Scott, as well as their new baby, Elise. She's three months old, and Stephen and I hadn't met her yet. I got to play with her a lot, though she slept far more than I wanted her to. But her naps helped her to be a happy baby, and that was much more fun than the grumpy tired baby who needed to be put to bed. She's going to be about seven months older than our daughter, and I hope Elise and Paige grow up to be good cousins and friends. It was humbling to watch Heidi and Scott be parents and realize that it would be Stephen and me in their shoes for next Conference, trying to quiet down our 2-month old.

This is really happening, people. Maybe if I say it enough times, I'll believe it. I'm so excited and so terrified. There are a lot of unknowns, and I want to do so much more research and learning than I have. I hope I can be as good as a mother that everyone tells me I'm going to be. Some days, I feel like I've totally got this, and I'm not intimidated by a baby. Other days, I realize there's going to be a point when my mom goes back home and Stephen goes back to work and I'm going to be left alone with this child that I'm suppose to take care of by myself. I'm going to have to have a talk with her and let her know that this is going to be new for all of us, and that we need to be patient with each other in order to make this parent-child, and mother-daughter, relationship work. Hopefully, she's be cooperative to this. And hopefully God will give all the needed assistance and more to help me raise one of his precious daughters. Ok, that line just got me crying. Whew. I love Paige so much already, and I'm grateful to share this journey with Stephen and with the support and love from friends and family like you. If I could send a message to Paige right now, it would be to let her know that she is so, so loved. 

Eventful Month

So much has happened since my last post. It seems like anytime I think I can write a summery, something new comes up. I apologize if this post is all over the place. In the past month, I had a prenatal checkup, celebrated my anniversary, visited St. George twice, attended my Grandpa's funeral, hosted a Relief Society activity, sent my husband back to school for his final semester, supported Stephen as he accepted a full-time job offer for next year, and payed off our car loan. So let's go in that order.

I love going to my prenatal checkups. The best part by far is hearing the heartbeat. Last time, the baby was super wiggly; it was hard for my midwife to pinpoint the heart long enough to get a good reading because the baby was moving so much. The heartbeat was between 130 and 140, which by wives tales means it's a boy, which was opposite of the 150 bpm that meant girl at my 12 week appointment. My midwife told me that was normal and that there's always just a 50/50 chance for each gender. If I had to guess, I think it's a girl, but if it's a boy, I will humbly be wrong and be very excited. So if my future first child ever reads this, please know I am thrilled that you are either a girl or a boy. We'll find out the gender on the 22nd. Stephen's going to come with me to the appointment, so that will be nice for me to have him and good for him to be a part of the process. I've started to feel the baby move some. I notice it the most when I sneeze. It loves to punch/kick me in response to startling it. There are also times where it is super wiggly, just like at the appointment, though now I can feel it. It's surreal. 

Stephen and I officially hit our one-year mark a few weeks ago. We spent the weekend celebrating together by turning off our computers and the TV and just being together. He brought me chocolate, flowers, and Cafe Rio and I couldn't be a happier wife for it.We wandered around the mall together and went out for dinner. It was so good to spend the time together without any distractions and just have fun. It was a simple anniversary, but a god one.

For Labor Day Weekend, we decided it was a good opportunity to visit my family in St. George. We hadn't been there since Thanksgiving. It was a fun visit. It was just before Stephen started school, so it was good timing for us. I loved spending time with my mom. I hadn't seen her since being pregnant, and it was nice to show off my little baby bump to her. She helped me alter some clothing so I can continue to wear them as I grow. We played games with my siblings and went on a double date with my parents. I also got to spend time with my second mom, Janice, who gave me a heavenly massage. Janice was a professional masseuse and still does some work out of her home. She was my youth group leader in my church all while growing up. The other girls my age and I have become her children, and as we are having my children, she gets to boast 20-something grandchildren.

The second time we visited St. George was more somber. My grandpa past away. He had been in poor health for a while, so the family knew the end was near. Stephen and I went to visit him and my Grandma this Summer to say our goodbyes. I'm grateful for that closure. It was also good to visit for the funeral. It was a very emotional experience for most. I'm sure my pregnancy hormones didn't help me any as I cried a lot that day. Stephen was very supportive of me and was always by my side, making sure I was alright and had enough tissues. This was my first experience with someone close to me dying. It helped me to understand the Plan of Salvation better. I think that's the only reason I can feel less sad about the whole experience, not even for my own sake of seeing him again, but knowing he and my Grandma will be together forever. 

So for my calling for church, I helped to organize a opening activity for this semester and had a get-to-know-you night. Everyone seemed to really enjoy it. We played a few games and had refreshments, so it was a simple activity to plan on my end. We played "Switch Sides If" and had the sisters cross the line if a statement applied to them. I like that it involved everyone without being overwhelming. We then broke off into smaller groups and played games like "Never Have I Ever", "Two Truths and a Lie", and the Skittle Game, though I used life savers so they wouldn't melt all over people's hands. It gave the sisters the chance to talk and get to know each other. I hope that it helps with friendships overall. I had hoped for a better turn out, but we did have 21 people come, so that wasn't a bad turn out by any means. I'm hopeful to do more activities and have more emphasis placed on them to help encourage attendance. Activities are only fun if people actually come to them. 

The activity was fitting to do at the beginning of the semester, which leads me to Stephen going back to class. He's taking 17 credits of programming courses in order to graduate in December. So far, he's managed to stay ahead in all of his classes. I'm hopeful he can keep that up for the next four months. He's also doing some grading work for one of his classes, so that's another time commitment on top of his schooling. Having him so busy makes me grateful for Sundays. He's had a personal commitment to not do homework on Sundays, so not only is it the Lord's day, it's also my day to spend with him. I'm grateful he's working so hard now so he can graduate soon and move on to working full time to support us and our growing family. He'll be able to take paternity leave much easier from his job than he would from classes. 

Stephen has officially accepted the job offer at LucidSoftware, the place where he's been interning for the past year. It's a great company and Stephen loves working there. The environment is great and there's plenty of benefits beyond that to make this job the right path for us. The office will be located in South Jordan, meaning we'll be moving near there in December. I'm looking forward to the move in order to have more space and have a nursery for our new family member. I'm already looking for a place where I can raise my child, and the day dreaming involved in that is a guilty pleasure of mine. I hope it will all fall into place as nicely as the rest of our lives have so far. 

As a final note, Stephen and I were able to pay off our car loan this week. It's a really good feeling to have that weight removed. We were able to turn our five-year loan into a one-year loan. It took a lot of sacrifice, but I know we are and will be blessed for living within our means and striving to be debt free. I'm grateful for a husband who is smart with money and who has the same goals I do for our family. And on top of all he does for me, he's pretty dang cute too. It's been a really good year with him, and an eventful month, but I know life is only going to get better from here. 

Year One's Life Lessons

In honor of our anniversary, I wanted to write a list of the things I learned in my first year of marriage. 

1. Marriage isn't hard. Shocker, right? Maybe you're thinking "just wait" or "you're sugar-coating marriage". I'm honest when I say marriage isn't hard, contrary to popular belief or advice. What is hard is hurting the feelings of someone you love, or communicating emotions and ideas to someone when you don't fully understand them yourself. What's hard is having needs and wants that directly counter your love's needs and wants, or learning the balance between compromising and being too self-sacrificing. Whats hard is feeling misunderstood, confused, or disappointed. 

But these things are not confined to a marriage relationship; they're common struggles between any two people who spend time together. Interacting with others is hard, and there will be few others who you will interact with more than your spouse. This can intensify the hardships of interpersonal relationships purely from quantity. But it has nothing to do with being married--it has everything to do with being unique and different from another person, yet trying to get along with them. In fact, I think marriage makes this easier because both parties are trying to love the other person as best as possible. This combined effort is not always felt in other relationships.

2. Gender is an important aspect in marriage, but it should not be defining to the point of confining. I'm grateful I'm a woman and I'm grateful I married a man. Beyond the biological aspects, I'm grateful for the roles our gender creates in our marriage. In many ways, we are very traditional--my husband comes home from his nine-to-five job and I have dinner ready after being at home for most, if not all the day. He presides in our home, and I look forward to our children and my role as their mother. But it took me a while to break away from the stereotypes in the way I viewed Stephen. There were things I assumed about him because everyone says that's what men are like. I knew when I married him he was special and unique, but I needed to correct myself from making stereotypical assumptions. 

For instance, my husband is very nurturing, enjoys just cuddling, and doesn't mind helping out with chores. There are times where I'm more interested in sports than he is (which is not to say I'm all that interested in sports), or prefer driving faster than he does, or would rather not talk about emotions or how something makes me feel. And that's perfectly fine. I do not fit into the feminine stereotype completely just as much as Stephen doesn't fit into the masculine stereotype completely. That's not to say I'm more than happy to let him kill the spiders, and that he knows I need to cry sometimes just for the sake of crying. We have respect for each other as an individual, separate from our gender, yet fully appreciate the aspects of our gender which help to shape us and our marriage.

3. Marrying Stephen made my dreams come true, but it did not get rid of my problems. There is a lot of bliss in the life of a newlywed. There's the excitement of the new step in life and the potential it holds. Dreaming about my future with Stephen was and is one of my favorite pastimes. I can look back and be grateful the phase in my life of eating ice cream while crying over a chick-flick with my roommates has past. Being single was full of lonely nights and unfulfilled days which no longer plague me. But being single was not my only hardship in life pre-Stephen. Even after getting married, school was hard, my health made things challenging, and my concern over my thin wallet didn't disappear.

I am forever grateful I no longer have to face my challenges alone, but that doesn't mean my challenges are any less challenging. My life is better since being married--don't mistake this--but there are still times when I'm upset about something and need a chick flick and ice cream to cope. While Stephen wishes he could take away all my problems and always make me happy, life isn't conducive to this. And Stephen has struggles too. Many, I can't help him with either, especially when it comes to programming. And while we can't solve each other's problems, we can support and encourage each other. We can cheer each other up in ther ways, and still have times where bliss overcomes reality. It's a fairy tale where our happily ever after is not void of struggles or problems, but it is nonetheless magical.

4. The internet can't tell me how to have a better marriage--only my spouse can. Growing up, I loved lifestyle quizzes. What does my favorite ice cream flavor say about me? Am I more of an introvert or an extrovert? Can I tell how much a boy likes me by what kind of flower he gives me? What should I be when I grow up? I was a sucker for any and all tidbits about my life I could glean from answering a, b, c, or d. But what really knew me the best was me. And what really knows my husband best is my husband. And if I want to make my husband, he's going to have better insight than the internet. 

The top five or ten or fifty tips to have a happy marriage are not bad or evil by any means--they just might be wrong. This correlates with my gender stereotyping. When Pinterest or Facebook held the secret things every husband wanted or needed, I began obsessing and stressing over their advice. It took me long enough to realize that even if the internet said my husband needed this or that, it wasn't always accurate. Thoughts like complementing him, or praying for him, or other nice gestures are good, but maybe my husband isn't feeling the lack of complements, but rather just needs time to mentally transition once he gets home from work. It became a lot easier to meet his needs when I asked him what his needs were rather than some quiz or advice column. 

5. Stephen is the perfect husband--for me. Beyond thinking the world of Stephen, I was impressed before we were married at how perfect he seemed to be. I would ask him if he were real or not, because I knew I couldn't dream up a better man than him. Through our marriage, I've learned he is not always perfect, which is a really good thing. He has flaws and shortcomings just like I do. But somehow, we balance each other and can learn and grow from our flaws together. There are little things he says and does that make me the happiest person in the world, where another girl would not appreciate the same kinds of affections. And that's great for me.

There is no such thing as the perfect man, even though I thought I was marrying him a year ago. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship or a perfect marriage, but there can be excellence, and I have found that with Stephen. He is an excellent man, and we have an excellent relationship and marriage. There's a lot less pressure when we have the understanding that perfection is not achievable, but excellence is. A year ago, I wanted to be the perfect wife and never do anything wrong--that didn't last long. I had to change my perspective on what my real goal was--happiness for both of us. That's helped me be alright with my flaws and be alright with Stephen having flaws (though I still argue he doesn't have many). He and I are not perfect, but we are perfect for each other, and that's what matters.

Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart! One year down, eternity to go!

Improvement and Progression

I told Stephen today that I like blogging when new things happen in my life. This is why I have't posted much lately. I mean, I could write more often and continue to say how sick I feel, but I doubt you all want that much information. But I can write now and say that a new thing has happened--I'm not as sick! I have yet to actually keep all of my food for an entire day, but I'm getting closer to that goal (I haven't thrown up yet today, so keep your fingers crossed (but I also don't want to jinx myself, so pretend I never said that)). I also don't feel as miserable, and that makes a big difference. It's nice to wake up in the morning and not regret it. I've had energy to actually accomplish things. I haven't felt like this since May. It's a wonderful blessing to be in the second trimester. Not everything is magically better overnight, but I have hope, something that has also been missing since the Zofran didn't work.

With my new-found energy, I've been putting a lot of my time into two things lately--sewing and family history. I starting a stocking a few months ago, and while I'm mostly bed-ridden, sewing has been keeping me busy. I've made a lot of progress, and I feel like I'm getting better. I know it's going to be riddled with imperfections, but that's how you know it's homemade. It's been fun for me to dream of Christmas time and filling the stocking with gifts. 

I've also been going through my family history. My dad's dad, my Grandpa Jack, was really into genealogy, and wrote several books about my family history. I've been comparing that information with the information online at familysearch.org, the family history site for the LDS church. Between the two, I've been able to make a lot more connections than either had alone. I feel most of my readers are members of my same faith, but for those who want more clarification, I recommend watching this video and this video. I've really enjoyed feeling like I'm making a difference, even while I've not felt well. I've united couples and families that otherwise no one knew about. It's been a real testimony builder to me.

Stephen's been doing well lately. He's working hard and accomplishing a lot with his programming. Lately, he's been learning to use the Dvorak keyboard in hopes that it will increase his typing speed. He'll be starting school in a few weeks. Oh, and Stephen made a cake all by himself last week (well, I did the frosting, but he did the rest of it). Besides that, he says there's really nothing else to mention. 

Even though I've physically started feeling better, I am far more weepy than I have been. I made the mistake the other day of watching a show with a miscarriage, and sobbed for an hour. Though I also was overly-emotional when Stephen tried to cook me some rice yesterday and ended up overcooking it. And then there was the time I saw a picture of the pioneers and cried over that too. But I think the most emotional I've been was when I heard the heartbeat for the first time. That was such a touching experience, where it made all the sickness and hardship worth it. It helped this pregnancy to feel all the more real.

Wish me luck that the pregnancy continues well, and that I continue to feel better. May the second trimester be good to me (knock on wood).

Over the River and Through the Woods To Grandmother's Cabin We Go

The past two weeks have been eventful, to say the least. The end of June and beginning of July found me sicker than I had been so far. I literally couldn't keep any food or drink down--even water caused an immediate reaction. For four days, I struggled. I missed a lot of work because of this, and my mood swings combined with being hangry were rough. I ended up loosing around 15 pounds in less than two weeks. On the 2nd, I finally was able to see my midwife. She didn't seem to think it was as much of a problem as I though it was, which was relieving and aggravating at the same time. She almost hooked me up to an IV to make sure I was getting enough fluids, but decided to wait and see if it got worse first. I had to talk her into prescribing Zofran for me (she was encouraging me to use pressure points and ginger, but I felt I was beyond that point). She also drew my blood for different tests, and I felt super woozy after that. I threw up twice while at the appointment--at least everyone there was very understanding of that. I went home and started the new medicine. Stephen came home from work early to help take care of me. I finally was able to eat some mashed potatoes that night.

That evening, I got a call from my temp agency about my absences from work. The hard part about my job being through an agency is the lack of communication that happens. I was talking with one boss at work, but someone else apparently contacted the agency without knowing I had asked for time off. However, because of my low attendance, my job was in jeopardy--they were about to replace me with someone else. I explained the situation and how I had gotten new medicine. They said they would check with me the following week to see if the medicine helped. I hung up the phone feeling nervous. The next day at work, my boss repeated the same information--if I didn't get better immediately, I would be replaced. But no pressure. 

For some good news, it was a holiday weekend with Independence Day. Stephen's family has a cabin, so we went there for the weekend. It's nearby Park City, but far enough away that it feels like the middle of nowhere. It was nestled up in the mountains and had a fantastic view out the windows of a valley. That weekend, Stephen's grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins were there too. It was a lot of fun to get to know his extended family better. We got along really well. Stephen's family plays a lot of games when they get together, and that weekend was no exception. We also explored the outdoors by taking a hike to the beaver pond where the kids had a blast. I was able to eat some things, and the medicine did seem to be helping, but it didn't completely get rid of my symptoms. All in all, it was a good weekend.

I went to work on Monday wondering if I was going to be fired or not. My boss asked me how I was feeling, and I told her I was better but not completely better. She then went off for ten minutes about menopause, and then left. I guess that means I'm not fired? Though this whole ordeal has me thinking about my job and if I want to stay here or not. That's still up in the air right now, so we'll have to see.

This past week, Nicholas, my brother-in-law, went to the MTC to prepare for his mission to Paris, France. Stephen and I went out to dinner with his family Tuesday night since they were in town, and then on Wednesday, we all said our goodbyes to him. It will be hard to not have him around for the next two years, but I know that his sacrifice is worth it if it helps others come to Christ. He will be a great missionary. After the family dropped him off at the MTC, we all went up to the cabin again for a few more days. It was fun to be at the cabin with his immediate family this time, as well as some extended family. We played more games, but I had to rest a lot more because I wasn't feeling too well. I got a priesthood blessing from my husband, brother-in-law, father-in-law, and grandpa-in-law, so that was really special. It helped me feel a lot better on Friday.

Saturday, however, I woke up feeling very sick again. It's hard to be on the medicine which everyone claims as a saving grace but not have it help much. We came home from the cabin and I slept most of the afternoon. Sunday, I wasn't much better, but Stephen's Mission President had his homecoming sermon, so we went to that. It was like a mission reunion for Stephen, and he had a great time reminiscing with other elders and sisters from the mission. There was a luncheon afterward that had the most incredible sandwiches I had ever had (okay, not really, but I was able to eat them, so that's incredible). I was really grateful we were able to attend, but when I got home, I feel asleep again for most of the day. This pregnancy is really taking a toll on me physically and mentally. I'm ten weeks, so there's hope that I'll feel better soon, so cross your fingers for that. Besides being sick all the time, Stephen and I are having a great time in life. 

Crazy Pregnant Lady Alert

Finally, the word is out, so I can write an honest blog post without worry!

I'm pregnant!!!

I guess I should give a fair warning--this blog will probably contain a lot more info about baby from here on out (and a lot of gross pregnancy details). But somehow, I don't think most of my readers will mind. I couldn't be more happy to be growing our little family. Stephen has been more than wonderful too, and we're both just very excited for this new step in our lives.

I am eight weeks along today, which means baby is the size of a gummy bear. Still, he/she seems to take up more room than just a gummy bear. I'm trying to convince Stephen there are three people in the bed now and I should get two-thirds of the space. He holds up his fingers to the size of a gummy bear and slides over that much. Thanks, sweetheart.

And the morning sickness--that is the biggest misnomer. If I'm awake, chances are I'm feeling sick. I've been trying a lot of different remedies, and some work sometimes, but then not again later. I'm really taking a blow from it though. I vomit daily, sometimes several times a day. I've taken off a lot of time from work lately--going to work when I'm sick is like the last thing I want to do. I'm not sure I can emphasize that enough, so I'm not even going to try. Just know that most days, laying on the couch or in bed doing nothing sounds ideal. But my midwife reminded me that the baby will be so cute when he/she is born, which makes the sickness worth it.

That's another thing--I'm going with a midwife rather than an OB/GYN. I have a lot of reasons for this, and I've done a lot of research, so just trust me. I might write a post about it someday, but today is not that day. But Stephen and I toured the birthing center a few weeks ago and felt good about it, so we're going forward with that plan. I'll have my first visit in a few weeks, and hopefully we'll hear the heartbeat. That will help me confirm I'm pregnant, as if the missed cycle, positive test, and relentless symptoms haven't done that already. 

I'm always tired. My clothes don't fit right. My face has broken out in acne like a pubescent teenager. The stretch marks have begun, along with a really awful looking (but harmless) rash that apparently affects 1% of pregnant women (lucky me!). Food is the enemy. I don't have cravings so much so as nothing sounds remotely edible except one or two foods which change hourly. Even thinking of certain foods can make me gag. Sharp cheddar cheese and I are friends though, and there have been times where that is all I can manage to eat. I am swearing off lettuce and beans for the rest of my pregnancy, if not life. Stephen has already made several runs to restaurants or the grocery store to satisfy my picky stomach. He's a champ.

Another reason Stephen is a champ: my mood swings. I cry for no reason besides hormones. The other day, I had a meltdown sobbing fit because I loved my husband. He held me and gave me tissues and laughed and thought it was cute. At least I haven't had meltdowns because I'm angry or upset. I think the hardest part of this pregnancy on Stephen is his inability to take away my struggles. He tries. He's been taking care of most of the chores while I've been moaning on the couch, and he brings me cheese slices when that's all I can eat while moaning on the couch. He will give me back rubs at a moment notice and reminds me I'm beautiful when I look in the mirror at my changing body. Alright, I better stop raving about him or I'll start crying again.

To sum up, I'm already a crazy pregnant lady. Eight weeks down, 32ish to go.

Families Can Be Together Forever

Stephen and I took a trip last weekend down to Arizona to visit my grandparents. My family also went with us, except my dad, to visit with them and us. We drove down with Tom on Friday, taking turns for the 6-hour drive to Page. We got there late, but everyone was still awake, so I got to say hi to my Grandpa. He isn't doing well health-wise, so I was really happy we visited them. He's got a sweet setup in his bedroom, and I kept telling him how spoiled he was with a hospital bed, room service, and a summer scheduled full of visitors. On Sunday, I had a chance to sit with him for a few minutes by ourselves. He told me how much he loved my Grandma, and if I stay true, I can have a marriage like theirs, which has always been my goal. When he refers to my grandma as "sweetheart" or "cute gal" it makes my heart melt. I asked him why he married her, and he said, "because I fell in love with her." It was very touching.

It was also great to spend time with my family, especially my mom and sisters. I stayed up late talking with my mom, and it was nice to have uninterrupted time with her to just chat. I also did my sisters' hair one morning, and that was fun for me. I cut off 12 inches of my hair the Thursday before going down and didn't tell anyone so I could surprise my mom. She was very surprised when she saw me getting out of the car, but I've gotten nothing but complements for it. I like it short like this, but it was fun to do hairstyles on my sisters because their hair is almost as long as mine was.

I also had fun playing games with my family. We played Bang, Mancala, Koi Koi, and the Great Dalmuti. Tom taught Stephen how to play Axis and Allies. I like games that are based on luck, and Stephen likes games that are based on skill, so we have to take turns playing different kinds of games. That's called compromise, children, and that's how you know we love each other. Because if I didn't love him, I would not play nearly as many games as I do.

Overall, it was a great trip. Short, but very nice and needed. We came home Sunday, and then early Monday morning, Stephen left for a work retreat to Stanley, Idaho, where he went kayaking and rafting. He also got a pretty good sunburn on his nose. It's cute. I haven't called him Rudolf though, because again, I love him. I'm just glad he's home now. We're still newly-wed enough to miss each other if we're not together, especially overnight.

This past week was the first time I worked five days in a row. I started on a Tuesday, and the next week was Memorial day, so this past week, while my third week of work, was the first full 40-hour week. I have gained a new appreciation for the weekend. Stephen and I went on a date Friday night to see The Fault in Our Stars, a movie based on one of my favorite books by a great author. Going in to the theater, I knew I would cry, and any trace of mascara was gone by the end of the film. Stephen even cried too, so you know it's not just me.

Yesterday, we went to the temple at the same time Stephen's brother was going through the temple for the first time. We weren't able to travel up to Idaho to attend the same session with him and the rest of the family, but it was neat to think we were sitting in the Celestial room at the same time--this was symbolic of us being in heaven with them, even if we were in a different room. I thought it was a cute idea, anyway. I love attending the temple. It is the best way for me to feel peace and hope.

Well, I think I'm going to end this post here. We're loving life and enjoying new experiences together. It's hard to believe it has been nine and a half months since we were married--it seems like a lot, and also like so little. Good thing we have eternity to go!