Waiting for Paige

This is likely the last blog post before Paige joins our family--unless I'm going to stay pregnant forever, which is kind of what it feels like right now. There's less than 2 weeks until her due date, but whether it is intuition or revelation or naivety, I feel like she's not going to come until after her due date. Part of me wants her to be born on the 12th, so that her birthday is 2-12 and mine is 12-2. She could also come on Valentine's day--we packed a special "my first Valentine's" outfit to take to the birth in case she does come that day. Though there's also a chance she'll not be able to wear that outfit if she comes later than that. I'll just have to pin the outfit to my shirt that day if she's not here. 

Paige might surprise me and come before the 8th. She could come any day now and be just fine health-wise. People expect me to be at the point where I'm just done with the pregnancy and want this baby out, but I'm kind of sad that this stage is going to end. I like being pregnant. Sure, there have been a lot of rough points these past nine months, but there have been more special moments to outweigh that. I really love having this time with just me and her. I'm going to miss feeling her move in me. I'll miss how easy it is for me to take care of her right now--as long as I'm healthy, she is too. As soon as she's born, parenting is going to be much harder than now. But I have to remember that it's going to be much more fun, too. After all, this is what the pregnancy has been leading up to. 

While I might mentally be content, my body is showing signs of wanting the end. I officially waddle everywhere I go. I try to describe how it feels to Stephen, but saying things like "I feel like my legs aren't connected to my hips" can't quite do it justice. I guess it's only something moms can relate to. I spend half my day in the bathroom it feels like because she's taking up all the room she can. She still kicks strongly, especially as I try to fall asleep. She's already a night owl, and she already wants me to stay up and play with her--I don't think that will change once she's born.

I'm really looking forward to labor with both terror and excitement. I want to say I'm confident in my ability to handle labor, but while I know my body is designed to do this, my mind still has to endure the experience. It's hard not knowing what to expect as far as how labor will be for me personally. I've read and watched a lot of stories, and for the most part, they give me comfort. I've been doing a lot of meditation and positive envisioning, as well as making plans for alternative scenarios. I found out last week I'm positive for Group B Strep, which means I need an IV during labor for antibiotics, and while that was not part of my ideal plan, I don't want things like that to ruin my experience. Also, I think the recovery process is just as daunting to me as the labor experience at this point. I'm going to write a post about my labor as soon as I'm up to it, so if you're really interested, keep your eye out for that post.

I like to think that while I've definitely been hormonal during this pregnancy, I've still been reasonable. This is probably true for the most part, but lately, my track record isn't looking so good. Two things recently have been newborn pictures and a car seat and stroller. It took a few conversations for me to convince Stephen to spend money on newborn pictures. (I may or may not have cried during those conversations, which is really not fair. Sorry, Sweetheart.) Ultimately, we're compromising by Stephen giving into me and me being happy, which isn't a fair compromise, but it's kind of hard to compromise on a yes/no thing. 

I also am now in the market for a different car seat and stroller than the one I bought when I was newly pregnant. Yes, we already have a car seat and stroller, yet I want a different one, and my reasons are mostly aesthetic. Am I unreasonable? Probably. Is Stephen spoiling me? Probably. To be fair to myself, there are a lot of other wants that I've compromised on or let go. I've also done a really good job at saving money in a lot of areas as to justify spending more on other things. I do it out of love, so that makes it ok, right?

On a completely non-pregnancy related note, Stephen and I have been enjoying our new ward. We gave talks in church last Sunday about learning through adversity and received a lot of compliments. When people come up to me and say "good talk" or something basic like that, it makes me want someone to say "that was alright," or "you were adequate," or even "that could have been better." In other words, people are only going to say nice things. But when someone rushes up to the stand, gives me a big hug, and tells me my umbrella story was inspirational and made her want to serve others more, the compliment is more sincere. We had a few people tell us they took notes, and one asked for a copy of Stephen's talk. 

We also got callings in our new ward. Stephen is a primary teacher for the 11-year-olds. There are two other teachers for that class that they'll rotate teaching the lesson for. Otherwise, he'll be there to help as needed. Stephen is great with kids of all ages, so this will be a good calling for him. I've been called as the assistant secretary in the Relief Society. Basically, I'll be responsible for the monthly newsletter, which is going to be a fun and easy calling for me, especially while I have a baby. I like formatting documents, and when most of the information is given to me and I just have to make it look good, it'll be good for me.

Our lives are good right now. I feel like a ticking time bomb with Paige coming anytime, and once she does, life will be completely different. Right now, I stay at home and clean or prepare for Paige, and Stephen works nine to five. If I need the car, I'll drop him off and pick him up for work. He works about ten minutes away from where we live, so that makes things easier. When he gets home, Stephen will help me with chores, or we play games and watch TV. Super productive, right? It's mostly us still enjoying not having many responsibilities. I've gotten into watching Family Feud and other game shows, which is a cue that I need a baby to keep me busy. 

There are still boxes around the apartment that I want to unpack before baby comes. We've been building up stockpiles of food and increasing our food storage. The nursery is finally ready, which was a big to-do list item. I need to pack my labor bag, but I'm using that as an excuse for why she can't come yet, so that task just happens to not happen. I'm trying to enjoy the last few days of living like this. It'll be an adjustment for Stephen and me to have another person to consider rather than just ourselves and each other. Fortunately, it's an adjustment I've been looking forward to for a long time. 

The End of the Year and Stephen's Vacation Time

For Christmas this year, Stephen and I traveled to St. George to spend time with my family. We left on the Monday before Christmas and stayed through Friday. It was really nice to have time with my parents and siblings. My mom threw a baby shower for me while we were there. It turned out super cute! Lots of pink and purple, along with yummy food and several friends. I got a lot of helpful and adorable gifts, and was humbled by the generosity of all who have given things to help with Paige. Thank you! Right now, everything is piled in my nursery, and I plan to sort though things soon. I'm going to have fun setting up the nursery for Paige. It will be simple but special.

While in St. George, my siblings and I gave our parents our Christmas present--a clean toy closet. We had been planning it for a few months, and late Tuesday night, after both parents went to bed, us kids got to work organizing the toy closet. We sorted through board games, puzzles, craft supplies, and much more. It took us all a few hours, but it was a big improvement once we were done. It was good to have the other kids there to help sort though games and toys they don't use anymore. We put a bow on the closet doors and went to bed around three in the morning. My mom was very excited the next day when she saw what we had all done.

It was a lot of fun for me to share my Christmas traditions with Stephen. We had spend last year at his family's house, so this year was my turn to show him what I had done growing up. I especially liked when we all drove around to look at the lights. It was the best year so far, because not only did I get to see a lot of amazing houses with my family, I got to bring my best friend along. We stopped at the temple last like we do every year and listened to the nativity story with the display they have of the manger scene. This year, I cried (surprise) because I really felt the Spirit of Christ in Christmas. It was as if we part of the pilgrimage to see baby Jesus along with the shepherds and wise men. Stephen just held me while I cried for a bit--he's really good at doing that. 

We went back home and my siblings opened their Christmas pajama presents and we read Luke 2 together and watched the #sharethegift video the Church produced this year. I helped my mom prepare the breakfast casserole we have each year, and eventually, we all went to bed. Christmas morning, I was the first one awake. The children had agreed with the parents that we could wake them up no earlier than seven, but when I got up, it was already 7:30. It was kind of strange to be the one to wake up my younger siblings and tell them it was time to open presents. In years past, they would be the ones jumping on my bed at five in the morning saying "only two more hours left!", though I guess a lot of that excitement came from my sister Susan in my memories. If she had been home this Christmas, I wouldn't have been the one to get everyone up.

We had our mad dash at the presents, something which Stephen was confused by. In his family, they each take a turn and open one present at a time while everyone watches. In my family, someone sits near the tree and tosses the presents out to the right people. As soon as you have a present, you're free to open it. We don't wait for each other. My parents said they tried to have us wait before, but quickly learned that didn't work. I'm not sure which tradition Stephen and I will implement. We finished presents quickly and had time to Skype Nicholas, Stephen's brother who is on a mission in France, for a few minutes. It was good to say hi, but the time went quick. 

We then ate breakfast and got ready for the day before it was time to Skype Susan, my sister who is on a mission in California. We were able to call her for longer, and it was really fun to talk with her for a while. I think my favorite part was her reaction to hearing Michael's voice had dropped. My 13-year-old brother now is a bass where before, he was a soprano. Susan gasped and covered her mouth for a few minutes in shock. It was pretty funny. She's doing really well and will be home in July.

Christmas afternoon, we played a lot of new games and I took a nap. We had a nice roast dinner relatively late in the evening, but it was worth the wait. We played more games and Stephen and I went on a walk. I wasn't feeling too well pregnancy wise that day, and I ended up being pretty sick that night and vomiting until I felt better. By the next morning, I felt fine though, so that was a blessing. I went shopping with my mom and sisters because what else are you suppose to do the day after you get a bunch of new stuff. Friday afternoon, my family was going to visit my Grandma in Arizona, but Stephen and I had plans back at home, so we left just a bit before them and drove north instead of South. Apparently, I slept though a snow storm and had no idea. When my mom called and asked if we had bad weather, I told her no, and Stephen laughed and corrected me after the call. I guess I hadn't factored in why we were an hour later than we should have been.

The next day, one of my best friends got married. Cody and I have been friends since Kindergarten. He and I grew up together and shared a lot of really great memories and experiences. There was no way I was going to miss his wedding if I could help it. It was the first time I got to meet Bonnie, his wife. It was special for me to be a part of the temple sealing and watch them make covenants to be together forever. While we were waiting in the temple, Paige was very, very active. Anytime I've been to the temple since being pregnant, she perks up and can't contain her excitement. It's a testimony to me of the eternal spiritual nature we have. She seems sensitive enough to react to being in the temple, and while you can probably write it off as coincidence, I choose not to see it that way.

It was special to see Cody getting married and know he's happily in love. It was also great to see my other friends who were there for the wedding too, like Ipson and Tiffany. We spent time at the reception together and then went out to dinner afterwards. I'm grateful that I have such good friends from high school and that no matter how long it's been since we last saw each other, our friendship doesn't change. We still tease each other and laugh and have inside jokes just like we did five years ago. Stephen also gets along with my friends really well and joins in on the fun like a natural. I like to think that if Stephen and I had gone to the same high school together, he would have fit in with my friend circle perfectly. 

After all the exciting events, Stephen and I began the last week of the year by finishing up gathering furniture. We got some really good deals on dressers and a crib. I'm super excited about the crib, of course, but happier to find out I saved more than 90% by buying it used, and got a mattress and mattress pad with the frame. We had some trouble trying to fit the crib in our car. We figured as long as it was disassembled, it should fit just fine in our Suzuki. False. We had to disassemble it more before we could finally get it in our car. 

We ran into the same problem of overestimating our car size again when we bought a TV stand later. We were blessed by a stranger-angel who wandered over to our end of the parking lot to see what we were up to and offered to drive our new stand home for us in his truck, even though it was completely out of his way. Instances like that remind me that one, God watches out for us, and two, I need to give back and serve others. But we finally finished getting all the furniture we need, and I'm so happy to be done.

The Monday we got home, I started a load of laundry in our new/used washer only to come back a few minutes later to see a puddle of water leaking from under the machine. Stephen took a look at it and, after some internet searching, determined we would have to take advantage of our warranty and take the washer back to the store. His uncle Russ came over the next morning and helped him load the washer into  Russ's van. While doing that, the men noticed the washer was now leaking oil as well. When they got it back to the store, the guy there didn't want to bother fixing it for us quickly and instead sent them home with a different used washer. It was nice to not need to wait for it to be fixed, and this new/used washer hasn't given me any trouble so far. Yay for budget appliances! 

We spent New Year's Eve with Stephen's uncle Russ and his family. We played Seven Wonders, which is like my favorite game, and I won. Last time Stephen and I were visiting his family at Thanksgiving, we played that game and I set the house record for highest winning score. There was definitely some pride in needing to save face on my end, so I'm happy I won. I then was significantly humbled by trying to play Acquire with the others and spending my money too quickly, practically opting me out of the rest of the game. But it was still fun. At midnight, we popped poppers and blew little horns and Stephen kissed me, just like he's promised to every year. It was a lot of fun--much more fun than it would have been had Stephen and I stayed home and stayed up late together like we do almost every night anyway. 

Yesterday was the first Monday of the new year, meaning it was time for Stephen to start his job. He's working at the same place he's been interning for the past year and a half, so it was like a second first day. It's good that he has such a great job, and we know he's going to enjoy working there, but it was bittersweet dropping him off at work. I really enjoyed the three-week vacation we had together, even if most of it was spent doing non-vacation things such as moving. I got spoiled having him around all the time. But now he's working nine to five each weekday, I'm going to have to do hard things for myself, like picking stuff off the ground when things fall, or lifting heavy (like, ten pounds) objects and carrying them alone. I had to go grocery shopping by myself and load all four objects into my trunk AND return the shopping cart to the little corral places and then walk back to my car without any help. Really, the sacrifices I make to let him go to work...he owes me. Except he came home last night and did the dishes, gave me a foot rub for like a half hour, and put me to bed early so I could get extra rest. So he really doesn't owe me. But still. I liked being spoiled with him around always. But in the real world, someone has to work in order to pay the bills, and I vote Stephen does it. 

I'll be busy myself soon enough, I know. There's still unpacking to do, and organizing things in preparation for a baby. As soon as Paige is here, I'll do my share of the work in our family. Last night, I went to the bathroom six times within nine hours, so I'm already practicing getting up regularly and functioning without a solid sleep pattern. My body is not enjoying these last few weeks of pregnancy. but it's all normal aches and pains, so nothing to be concerned with. I told my midwife how I was feeling and she nodded and said the solution to my problems was to have a baby--but not yet. I still have five more weeks until my due date, and that seems both like a long time and an extremely short amount of time. Mostly short at this point of my unpreparedness. I'm a lot more ready than I was a few weeks ago, but I doubt I'll feel fully ready, even when she's in my arms. But knowing how much Stephen spoils me, he's going to pamper Paige too, so she will be well-taken care of. The day she realizes how much she has her parents wrapped around her finger will be a hard day on us. Though as she kicks my ribs and punches my pelvic bone, I think she already knows she can get away with things pretty easily. 

To sum up, 2014 has been a good year in the Rollins household, and 2015 will be completely different, but hopefully even better than last year. 

The Introduction to the Next Volume of the Blog of Life

It might be easier to state what hasn't changed in my life in the past month rather than what has changed. I'm still in love with Stephen, the gospel is still true, and I'm still (maybe eternally) pregnant. Besides that, life is new for me. Stephen finished his schooling! This means I get my husband back! He's been such a hard worker this past semester with 17 credits. When asked about his semester, Stephen said, "I'm glad it's over," which should give you some hint at how taxing it was. But his grades should be good as far as I'm aware. Though with a firm job waiting for him after graduating regardless of his GPA, I can't blame him for lacking motivation. Though really, if Stephen's just doing the "minimum" in his eyes, it's still going to be like, an -A or +B. That's slacking for him. I married a nerd.

Along with finishing the semester, we moved! Stephen and I now live in Draper, Utah. It's about a half hour drive north of where we were living in Provo. We're less than a mile away from the 114th exit, if that means anything to you. We're living in the beautiful basement apartment I had mentioned before. I still love it as much as I did when I first saw it. This place really does feel big for just the two of us. Ask me again in a few months if this space is still large for three people. I love the carpet and the tile in the house, as well as the paint job. There's tons of lighting so it doesn't feel like a dark basement. The bathroom here is probably as big as my old kitchen, and I can actually sit in the tub and not have my knees stick up for lack of space (being so pregnant, warm Epsom salt baths are lovely). There are more cupboards and drawers in my kitchen than I know what to do with. Really. I'm not sure what to put where yet. But give me some more time and I'll have them filled.

We've been collecting a lot of furniture for this new home. That's been the worst part of moving. In Provo, we lived in a furnished apartment and our largest belonging was a bookcase. It made it much easier to move out of our apartment because we didn't have to take big things with us, but that also meant when we moved, we would need to quickly get couches, a bed, a washer and dryer, a table, chairs, TV stand, computer desk, dressers, etc. This can easily be translated into a headache. 

The weekend before we formally moved in, Stephen and I drove up to the valley and looked at a bunch of furniture from KSL and refurbished stores. We got a washer and dryer that day, as well as a couch, table, and chairs, but it was a stressful day to try and coordinate schedules. We got help from the elders quorum president from our new ward who conveniently owns a trailer, and that was a huge blessing. But between coordinating schedules for ourselves, the people we were buying the furniture from, the guy helping us pick the stuff up, and our landlord for letting us in, I was quickly exhausted, and I didn't even do any of the driving or lifting. We had a similar day like that yesterday as we got a desk and more couches. Unfortunately, we're probably going to have to do it again in order to finish getting things we need. I'm looking forward to that being done.

 And of course, there was the actual moving process of getting all our stuff to Draper from Provo. Thankfully, we had a lot of help from friends and ward members in Provo. Stephen and I tried to have everything packed before moving day came, and I think we were probably 90% there when people came Wednesday morning to load up vehicles. We got a lot of complements from the people helping us on how organized and prepared we were, which was my goal. I didn't want to have other people loading boxes for me--I could do that part mostly on my own. But once a box weighed more than ten or fifteen pounds, I wasn't allowed to lift it. There's no way Stephen and I could have moved on our own with me in this condition, so I'm so grateful to the help we received.

Everything went quickly that day. We loaded, traveled, and unloaded the cars in less than three hours. There was even time for one of the guys with a truck to help us pick up our bed from my uncle Ken, who was finishing a six-month mission in Utah and no longer needed his new mattress and bed frame. That was also very convenient timing. When all the boxes were piled into our apartment, our friends went back to Provo, and Stephen and I welcomed the new step of unpacking by procrastinating. We took a break to play games, and that was the best part of the day. Yeah, we might be doing adult-like things such as graduating, moving, starting a new job, and starting a family, but Stephen and I are still just little kids at heart--when no one is supervising us, we play games. 

The day we moved in felt very surreal. I'm still not sure it's sunken in that I live here now. It feels like we're staying at someone else's house. I keep expecting someone to come knock on my door and tell me it's time to wake up, or join the rest of the family or party for some event or something. It's like I'm waiting to be disturbed, but no one is coming. I actually live here. Stephen and I are the only ones here. Sure, our landlord is upstairs, but beyond the occasional footsteps or hearing the garage open and close, we don't have much interaction with him. Maybe I'm waiting for him to come downstairs and tell me thanks for visiting but it's time to leave now. I don't know how long it will take for me to be comfortable with the idea that this is my new home, but I'm welcoming that change.

Leaving Provo was bittersweet. I've lived there for the past four years. I became very comfortable there and felt I knew my way around the city easily. Now, I have to google every time I want to go somewhere. Provo is where I grew a lot as a person (and grew a lot of a person) and met and fell in love with Stephen. It was hard to leave the apartment where Stephen and I started our lives together. After we had finished cleaning everything on Thursday, there was a half hour or so before the office was scheduled to check us out. I took that opportunity to have a sentimental cry about leaving our first home. Stephen isn't nearly as sentimental as I am, but he sure is patient and understanding when I just need to sob and talk about memories we had there. I'm happy for the new stage in life, but I also know it will never be the same again. It's bittersweet to be moving forward; it's the right thing for us to do, but we've also had a really good time together just the two of us--newlywed students who play games in their down time. But I am excited for the new stage of adulthood and parenthood.

Speaking of parenthood, I have seven weeks left, give or take, until this little one gets to kick air and not my rib cage. She is active throughout the day and night. People talk about lulling her to sleep by walking around and general movement during the day, but Paige sees this as a time to join the party. And when I lay down at night, she's not done partying. I'm grateful to know she's a healthy baby developing well inside, but at the same time, she has some well-aimed punches and kicks. There will be times when I'm just distracted by how much she is moving and give up doing anything else to watch my belly roll with her movements. She's currently head down but facing forwards instead of backwards. Hopefully, she'll spin at some point and then her movement wont be so sharp--her back to my belly instead of her feet, knees, elbows, and fists will probably make a difference. 

My midwife says she has plenty of time still to spin, but that just reminds me I still have plenty of time being pregnant. This is a good thing right now while we're doing so much transitioning in life. It's been hard moving while pregnant, but I'm sure it's easier than moving with a newborn. We still need to set up her nursery too. I wish I could decorate it super cute with a theme and homemade touches and refurbished furniture painted to match each other, but most likely, the room will be more about function than interior design due to time and budget. Still, I want to do what I can to make it cute and ready for Paige. She's not allowed to come until the nursery is ready, but as soon as it is, I'm going to need you all to remind me to not be anxious. Her due date is the 8th of February, but I'm not letting myself get eager until after Valentine's day, just to be safe. But if she's not here by the 15th, you know I'm going to be eating all the spicy foods I can, along with any other "trick" to get her to come. Because everyone knows I have so much influence over that.

Have I missed part of the recap? Probably. But this post is plenty long, and I have things to do, like get ready for church with our new ward, or wrap Christmas presents, or prep for our trip to St. George tomorrow. Or, you know, feel Paige kick for my attention so much that I have to sit down and watch her dance while I'm unproductive. This happens daily. If this is any sign to her personality, which I believe it is, I'm sure I'll hear the phrase, "Mom, watch this!" plenty. When that day comes, someone remind me of this point in my life where I am so eager just to have a child who will someday call me "Mom." 

23 Years

I can hardly believe I'm 23 already. This year has seemed to go by so fast, which is good I guess considering I spent most of the year pregnant. Looking back, I've accomplished a lot in the past 365 days--graduating college, having my first full-time job (for like, two months, but it still counts), and becoming a body-builder (bah-dum-ching). My life is a lot different than it was a year ago, and it's only going to become much more different during this upcoming year. 

Now to the updates: We did get the apartment I had talked about before, and we're making plans to move in two weeks. We have a week where our two contracts overlap, so we have time to move, but it also drags out the process a bit. Stephen and I are figuring out all the logistics, realizing it's going to be complicated trying to move our stuff as well as get furniture in the same week. We're going to need a lot of help, seeing as I can pack stuff but not lift or carry anything really. We're still trying to find a truck to transport all of our stuff, and then we're going to need to find things like couches, chairs, a table, a washer and dryer, dressers, etc. So I'm going to ask as humbly as I can that if you are in the area and either have a truck, furniture you don't want (don't give me anything you're using--only the extra stuff), or time during the week of the 15th to help pack, carry, or clean, let me or Stephen know. If not, general prayers in our direction are always appreciated. It'll all work out, I know, but help is needed.

So this past week, Stephen and I traveled to Idaho for Thanksgiving. I had been looking forward to the trip for a while--it's so nice to spend time with family. We played games, ate great food, and completely messed up our sleeping schedules. This trip, I finally got the hang of the game pinochle, the signature Rollins game, as well as won Seven Wonders by a landslide. It was also fun to see how much the little kids have grown up. We celebrated two of my brothers-in-law's birthdays. Little Jacob was so scared of his birthday candles. It was pretty funny to be trying to sing happy birthday to a two-year-old who is screaming and shoving the cake away from him.

I also got to play with my niece, who is five months now. She's good at being super happy for a while, but as soon as she's tired or hungry or just generally done with the situation, her attitude changes almost immediately. But once her needs are met, she goes back to smiles just as quickly. It's fun to hold a baby and think that I'll be having my own pretty soon. I'm feeling great pregnancy-wise. Just huge is all, but like most people reassure me, it's only going to get bigger from here. She's been kicking me almost the whole time I've been writing the blog post, so I guess she wants me to tell you all hi from her. I had a midwife appointment today and it was pretty uneventful, which means everything is normal. 

Well, Stephen is walking in the door now, and that means we're going to start my birthday celebrations. I want to find out what he's been conspiring about, so while this is short, it will suffice. Insert mushy romantic stuff about how great Stephen is to me, and we'll call it good.  

My Thoughts on Labor

It started in my Women's History class a year ago. We spent a day discussing the history of birth and how birthing has changed in America in the past 100 years or so. One of my classmates raved about a movie she watched on Netflix called the Business of Being Born. A few weeks later, when I was looking for something to watch on Netflix, I remembered her recommendation and decided to give it a shot. An hour and a half later, my mind and my life had been changed.

I figured when I had a baby, I would get an epidural. That's what everyone did, right? Thank goodness for modern medicine that would take away the pain from this scary experience. I didn't understand what a "natural" birth meant, even though my mom had all her nine kids naturally; I assumed it was just the opposite of a C-section. And I had heard of home births and midwives, but that sounded like the most hippie and backwards idea--you might as well go have your baby in a cornfield while you're at it. People shared horror stories of labor lasting for hours or days, and TV always portrays it as a traumatic emergency. The woman suddenly crying out in pain, grasping her stomach, "the baby is coming." There's panic to find towels and water, encouraging onlookers telling her to "push," and moments later, the mother screams, sometime cursing the husband at the same time, and then she had a baby.  I'm not ashamed for thinking this way because I was uneducated in a society that doesn't talk about birth, or rather, what birth could be.

As I watched the Business of Being Born, I recognized how biased it was--obviously a proponent of unmedicated, out-of-hospital births. But at the same time, it was resonating with me. It made sense. They showed clips of births, both in and out of the hospital, and I began to understand what it really was like to have a baby, what a midwife actually offered, and what it meant to have a natural birth. The film was a great educating tool in many ways, but it also informed me that I wasn't informed. I had no idea there were options when it came to birth. After watching that film, I researched my options.

Granted, I wasn't pregnant at the time. I was baby-hungry, sure, but I had been baby-hungry since I was like, six. I knew it wasn't pertinent to my life at that exact moment, but I was interested enough and curious enough to learn more. I read articles, googled midwives in my area, and watched more videos. I think some of the most helpful materials were people's birth stories. I looked at both in and out of hospital stories and recognized that I had preferences and wants when it came to how I would someday birth. I discussed my findings with Stephen. He had some of the same concerns I initially had, but ultimately, he trusted me and he knew it was my decision since it would be my experience of actually being in labor and giving birth.

What if?

That was the biggest concern for me when I first started considering having a midwife and an out-of-hospital birth. What if something went wrong? There's a sense of security about having a baby in a hospital with all the interventions and emergency supplies at a doctor's fingertips. I wish I could find the exact quote, but somewhere along my research, I read about this. People go to the hospital when they're sick--but having a baby isn't a sickness. The mother isn't ill. Having a baby is a natural part of life, not a disease. People don't live in the hospital because of the fear that something might go wrong--they go to the hospital only when there's a complication. The same should be with childbirth. You can have a baby at home and then, if there is a complication or a need, you can go to the hospital, but otherwise, there's really no need.

Yeah, but what if?

I was still worried because of all the horror stories I had heard. Yeah, women have been having babies since Eve and the beginning of the world, but there's countless stories of women who die in childbirth, leaving their new baby an orphan (what happened to the dad, I don't know--that's just how the stories go, ok). (Seriously though, think Oliver Twist.) Or the stories of the baby only living a few hours or days before dying. There's the image of pioneers crossing the plains and burying their newborns who didn't survive. That's where the "thank goodness for hospitals and modern medicine" ideology came in.

But then I started looking at facts and statistics rather than fictional stories. I realized how many women were really "at risk" when it came to pregnancy (hint, it's like less than 10%) and how "at risk" I was when it came to pregnancy. I am young and healthy, and really, that eliminates a majority of concerns that might make a woman "at risk". The odds I would have a normal. low-risk pregnancy and delivery were like, 99%. Most of the horrors I was concerned about didn't apply to me. 

Definitely advances in medicine play a factor to this, like stopping a lot of blood loss, or using ultrasounds and blood work to identify potential problems before labor. But these advances were not exclusive to hospitals--midwives are trained to handle these situations, and if they are concerned or notice anything abnormal that is beyond their skill or training, then they'll recommend other options, like going to a hospital, because that's when a hospital becomes useful.

Am I being a risk taker, or gambling over something so important as my child's life, or my life? Yes, but I also take a risk anytime I get into a car and drive, and honestly my chances there are much worse than in childbirth. And if the need arises that I should go to the hospital, I will, but until then, I'm going to keep driving and have my baby in a birthing center.

Why a birthing center?

This is mostly because of my preference. I view it as the middle ground between a hospital and a home birth. Because I live in an apartment that makes me surrounded by people on every side of me, I would feel more uncomfortable having a baby here. I have no idea what I'll be like in labor, but I'm probably not going to be quiet with my track record (I tend to be noisy even when I'm getting a massage on a muscle that's sore). Also, there's not much space in my apartment, and it's not the cleanest place to have a baby. I want to go to the birthing center because it's set up specifically for birth--clean, spacious, different tools and equipment handy (though midwives will bring anything necessary to a home birth) and they have a nice tub set up for water births.

P.S. Water births are super cool. No, the baby won't drown. They're surrounded by fluid in the womb already--they get their oxygen through the umbilical cord, and their reflexes for breathing won't kick in until air hits their mouth. And it's not like the baby sits underwater forever--they'll be brought to the surface as soon as they're able to. Water births are also known as nature's epidural and can reduce pressure on the back and stomach, as well as reduce tearing and relax the muscles. I would love to have a water birth, and I'm excited for that option when the time comes.

I chose the birthing center I'm using, Better Birth, for a few reasons besides the fact that it's a birthing center. This specific center has two offices--one in Orem and one in Salt Lake. Since I knew we would be moving during my pregnancy, by choosing this center, I wouldn't have to switch care providers because of the move. Also, the center I chose has a team of midwives, making someone available 24/7, even if it's just to call with a question or mild concern, which I've done a few times. I also chose this place because they have a student program where midwives are actually trained through the center. 

I chose to do the student plan because my care would not be compromised--a certified midwife would be present for every appointment and during the birth, though the student would be the one who I interact with. The student takes the measurements and answers my questions, and the certified midwife adds her insights as needed and makes sure the student does things correctly. It's also neat because I get to learn a bit along with the student. And in all honesty, the student program costs less than the regular package, and that was enticing.

Now to the issue of cost. In most cases, buying quality means more expensive. I think of food and clothing in particular. Yeah, fast food is cheap and easy, but the quality of a dine in dish is obviously better than McDonald's. And while I'm really good at buying my clothes cheap, they tend to wear our faster than if better quality fabric was used. You would think the same would apply to birth. When I realized that having a midwife, at least for me, meant more quality care, I figured it would be out of my price range. 

However, the opposite was true. Using the birthing center and paying for it without insurance was cheaper than having a hospital birth with insurance. Most insurance plans had a deductible higher than the total cost of my pregnancy with the midwife. This includes all of my prenatal visits as well as labor and delivery. To sum up, hospital care is far more expensive than midwifery care. Because of Stephen working over the summer, we saved up enough to pay the entire cost already, so having a baby won't put us in debt, or even set us back any (buying all the baby supplies might, but that's a different story). 

But what about the pain?

This will be the final concern I address. Short answer: "how should I know? I've never been in labor." But there's more to it than just that. I don't know. I don't know what if feels like to have contractions, or to move a baby through my body, or to have the need to push for hours after having labor pains for hours before that. But I also don't want to be scared of it. Our culture emphasizes the pain without discussing the miracle that is happening. While all the odds might be in my favor, it is still a miracle for a child to be born. 

My body is designed to give birth. I know there are many women who are unable for whatever reason to have children, but the female body is still designed to have a baby and give birth. I believe it is divinely designed to do so. So far, my body has known how to grow a baby without me trying--why would labor be any different? I didn't do anything to make sure I had a placenta, or to double check the umbilical cord provided the right amount of nutrition. Growing this child hasn't required intervention, and I don't think my labor will need it either. 

Will it hurt? Probably. But there are ways to handle the pain besides numbing my body. The mental preparation is just as important as the physical preparation. I plan to move around during labor, to do stretches, to use water or massage or relaxation techniques or nitrous oxide or exercise balls or whatever helps. But ultimately, I don't want to blindly run to an epidural without knowing what the cause of all this commotion is really about. I've never been in labor to know I want an epidural, and it's an important enough decision that I don't want to make it based on other people's horror stories. You're going to have to ask me again after I have my baby if I made the right choice. But honestly, I feel spiritually that I have.

This leads me to my final thought. I've addressed a lot of concerns and gone through a lot of explanations, but ultimately, there's one giant factor here that I have to address to do this topic justice. Faith. I have faith in the Plan of Salvation which God put into place to give His children a body. I believe in the importance of having a body and I understand my role as mother in Zion to help create the bodies for a few of His children. I am humbled by it. God has entrusted me to mother one of His special spirits, to nurture that spirit from the very beginning by letting their body grow inside me. 

I have faith that God cares about me and about my child. We are both very important to him. I also have faith that God is not going to abandon us, especially in times of need. If having children is so essential to God's plan, I have faith He's going to assist me in this work. I believe my body to be divinely inspired with the ability to carry forth His plan of giving His children bodies insomuch that I have faith that labor and delivery can be one of the most spiritual experiences I will ever have. I am excited to experience it in a setting of my choosing, one that I feel is most conducive to the kind of delivery I want. I understand the risks and the worries and the what ifs, but I also understand the Gospel and my Heavenly Father and the enabling power of the Atonement. I have faith God will enable me to accomplish His work of bringing this child into the world. That is more powerful than any fear, and contraction, any statistic. 

I know having my baby with a midwife at a birthing center is the right option for me--I've come to know this through prayer and a spiritual confirmation. If other women receive a different answer, then that's great for them, and they should do whatever they feel is right. This doesn't eliminate the need to be educated and informed. I'm so grateful I stumbled into the issue of birth and recognized it as something I needed to learn about. I am not an expert, and I'm sure there's plenty more arguments and concerns and ideas. But for me and my baby, this is the choice I've made, and with God as my support, I look forward to the day I get to welcome Paige into the world and into our family.

Upcoming Changes

I have a half hour while my persimmon spice bundt cake is in the oven, so we'll see how much I can cover in that time period. For Halloween, Stephen and I didn't do much. We watched Charlie Brown's Great Pumpkin special, and I introduced Stephen to the childhood glory of Halloween Town from Disney Chanel. If you've never seen it, add it to your holiday traditions, because it's a cheesy classic. We didn't have any trick-or-treat visits, but that doesn't surprise me living in an apartment complex of newlyweds, surrounded by housing for college students. Next year will be much more fun to take Paige out for events like trunk-or-treat and just show off cute baby in a costume. Not that she'll be eating much candy next year, but it will at least be more exciting than this year's holiday.

Stephen's been swamped with schoolwork. He's had a lot to do for group projects and other assignments. He only has a few weeks left, though, so we're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He's such a hard worker. In his little down time, he's normally helping me out with one thing or another. The other day, he sent me to bed to take a nap and cleaned the kitchen while I was asleep. He's helped me a lot on hard days by knowing when I need a break and he's willing to just give me attention to make me feel better. We got some frozen yogurt last week and had a date night like we use to while we were dating because he wanted to cheer me up. Little things like that make all the difference--he makes me feel special and important to him, even when he's busy with schoolwork. Thanks, Sweetheart!

With the end of the semester nearing us, I've been looking for housing up in the Salt Lake area. Stephen's work is in South Jordan, and we knew it would be nice to live close enough for him to bike to work. We were looking into basement apartments and townhouses because both of us were ready to be done with complexes and live like real adults (kind of). I had been doing research for months, trying to get an understanding of the area and the market and what we could afford. We made two trips up to valley, one last Saturday and one yesterday, and toured a handful of places. 

Yesterday we found a basement apartment in Draper that's about two miles from Stephen's work. It's updated and big (1700 SqFt) with two bedrooms and a gorgeous kitchen. It's under budget for us, too, which is a big blessing. The landlord would be a young single guy who just recently bought the house knowing he wanted to rent out a basement. We're probably going to sign the contract for it tomorrow, so it's not a done deal yet, but hopefully it will be, and our search for housing will end. It hits almost all of our wishlist items and has few negatives. I can see myself living there, as can Stephen, and starting our family in that home. Cross your fingers for us that all goes well there. 

In other news, we gave talks in church today. In non-Mormon lingo, it's like we gave mini sermons to  the congregation. Our topic was the atonement, which is near impossible to do justice to in ten minutes each (granted, my talk ended up being more like twenty minutes, but that made everything work out perfectly). I shared some insights from a recent General Conference talk by President Packer and Brad Wilcox's books, The Continuous Atonement and The Continuous Conversion. (My Mother-in-law gave me the second book after hearing about how much I liked the first one. Thank you, Teresa!) After sharing some quotes and thoughts, I felt the need to share my umbrella story. If you've known me long enough, you've probably heard that story at least once or twice. It basically is how I gained a testimony that God was aware of me and my needs. Stephen pulled out all the scripture stops and shared a lot of really powerful verses about the atonement. He's much better at the studious, scriptural side of the gospel, and I'm fond of the emotional and heart-warming stories, so between the two of us, I like to think we do a good job. 

Pregnancy-wise, we're doing well. Paige is active a lot throughout the day and night. Sometimes she just seems to push against one spot and not really move. It's like she's sitting on me, putting a lot of pressure in one area, but not really kicking or anything. Other times, she definitely is working out her arm and leg muscles. We also already discovered that Paige is a Daddy's girl. Stephen has the ability to calm her down almost instantly. She could be kicking repeatedly, but as soon as he puts his hand on my stomach, she stops. While it's slightly disappointing that she doesn't perform when we want her to, I've used this technique to my advantage. Last night, she was very active as I was trying to sleep, so I asked Stephen to put his hand on me. It worked like a charm--Paige held still for him. Anytime he would pull away though, she would go back to wiggling. I guess she just wants Daddy's attention. But hey, if he has the ability to calm her down, I will be taking advantage of that in the months to come.

My due date is only three months away. Can you believe how fast this pregnancy has gone? The first trimester was the hardest, but the second one seemed relatively easy and quick. We've had a lot of fun milestones in this trimester. One more week and I'll officially be in my last trimester. My back has started celebrating early by giving me a lot of lower back pain, and heartburn happens most days. Still, I get happy every time I feel her move, which keeps me happy a lot of the time. I've enjoyed having this one-on-one time with her, though there are still moments where I want to tag-team the burdens with Stephen (it has yet to work though). 

Overall, life is good for us. Things are working out. We had a ward temple trip this last week, and Stephen commented it'll be one of the last times we can be with our whole family in the temple for many years. I'm grateful for my little eternal family, and how our adventures unfold. Stephen graduating, moving, Stephen starting his job, and having Paige join us outside of me all can be counted down to in weeks now. Changes are coming fast, but they're going to be good to us. 

Pregnancy and Pumpkins

On Sunday, I was trying to do an Sunday-appropriate activity by watching Mormon Messages and quickly realized that wasn't the best idea for an emotional pregnant lady. There's a commercial on TV where the woman is pregnant and crying while watching a video on her tablet, and the husband comes and says "Honey, I would prefer you didn't watch these when you're pregnant." She then say, "but they're being so nice" in reference to the video of a cat and dog playing together. Stephen quotes that to me often. Sunday morning, he got out of the shower and saw me crying on the bed listening to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Pandora station. He asked what song it was that made me start crying, knowing instinctively what was wrong (or rather, that nothing was actually wrong). It was Mary's Lullaby. Totally got to me. He quoted the commercial and asked me if I purposely torture myself or if I had considered just turning off the song. I told him I wasn't torturing myself--I was indulging myself. I do that sometimes.

Pregnancy wise, I'm doing really well for the most part. I had my 24 week check up last Monday and confirmed I don't have gestational diabetes, so that's good. Paige was as wiggly as ever when they were trying to get her heartbeat. She's super active at random points throughout the day, but seems to be consistently active when the midwife checks her heartbeat and around 9:00 at night. In fact, she's being active now. I guess she wants me to tell you all hi from her. I try to talk to her often, and I feel like that helps both me and her. I want to send her all the positive vibes I can.

One down side with being pregnant--heartburn. The wives' tales say having heartburn means my baby will be born with hair. If that's true, I think Paige will be born with a lion's mane. Friday night I started having really bad heartburn that didn't go away like it most often does. Hours after eating some tums, it still was hurting, and getting worse. Around one in the morning, I asked Stephen to give me a blessing, which he did without hesitation. Unfortunately this didn't immediately bring relief. I was awake until five, trying to cope with the burning sensation. What finally allowed me to sleep was practicing some meditation from Hypnobirthing (I'm looking into using that for my labor). 

I got three hours of sleep before I woke up again, still hurting. I called my midwives who recommended some medicine and to eat bland food. The medicine helped a lot to stop the acid reflux, but, my chest and throat still felt like it had been scalded and damaged. My midwives called me Saturday afternoon to check on me and see if I was doing better. I thought that was very kind of them to do. Saturday night it had calmed down more, but it wasn't until I woke up Sunday morning that I finally felt like I was over that bout of heartburn. It was physically and emotionally taxing, but I am doing just fine now, so don't worry.

Saturday wasn't completely consumed by heartburn though. Stephen and I went to a ward activity at a farm. We had a hayride, shot rotten apples out of a homemade cannon, walked through a maze that went up to our shoulders, and took a cute picture in front of an old truck with some pumpkins. The point of the activity was to pick out a pumpkin, but the tightwad in me knew I could find them cheaper at the grocery store than at the field. It was still a lot of fun to go to the farm and spend time with Stephen. Ward activities in a married student ward are more like a big group date. We realized Stephen and I still need to work on the socializing with other couples thing. We might still be in the newlywed phase.

We went Saturday night to a grocery store and picked out some really good pumpkins. We carved them Sunday night. It was our first time carving pumpkins since we didn't get around to it last year. It is a lot of fun to do something festive with him, since we probably won't be dressing up this year. Really though, I'm more excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas and the time we'll have with family. I've been listening to Christmas music all year. Stephen would normally give me a hard time for listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving, but when it's June and I'm listing to my Christmas Pandora station, he really can't say much.

After we carved pumpkins, Paige was wiggling a lot. I sat on the couch and Stephen and I watched my stomach. Suddenly, there was a big lurch as half of my waved to the left. We both checked that the other saw that, and I was so excited. We then tried having Stephen put his hand on me. He must have a calming touch, because anytime we've tried it before, Paige has stopped moving. But this time, after a few tries, she gave a nice solid kick to his palm. He looked at me and asked if that was me or not. I told him it was Paige and felt so excited and proud. I've been wanting Stephen to feel her for a while now to share this with him. It was a great family bonding moment with the three of us that made me excited for the rest of the night.

My mom and sister are coming to visit today. Deborah is moving up to Provo after coming home from her mission about a month ago. I'm excited to spend time with them, but especially my mom. I call home several times a week for one question or another, and I imagine the phone calls will only increase once I'm taking care of my baby. But having them come means I need to clean my house. At least it's not too bad today. Just the kitchen and bathroom. Stephen helped me with vacuuming and the laundry yesterday. I sure love having a husband who helps me with the chores. But the dishes need to be done, so I'll go do those now.