Decisions, Decisions

I want to begin this post with thanking everyone who has shown their concern for me. I did not nearly expect the reaction I got. I tried to let you know everything was alright, but I am still humbled by the outpouring of prayers and love. My body has definitely relaxed as I've slowed down in life, but it's still not perfect. I'm seeing a neurologist tomorrow. I'm nervous for that, but I'm hopeful that it will either confirm that I'm normal and just stressed, or find some sort of problem that is easy to fix. Nowadays, I normally only have spasms when I'm laying down resting. After a few minutes or so of relaxing on my bed, I start twitching. The best thing I've found is to sit up and rock myself a bit, but it's hard to sleep that way. I've had some restless nights lately. I've been napping during the day to make up for it.

In order to reduce my stress, Stephen and I have prayed and pondered much and have decided it is best that I don't work right now. So I made a painful phone call to my boss and told her I was quitting. I am honestly sad to leave that job. Sure, there's nothing glamorous in being a custodian to freshman, but it was an honest and good job. I felt productive and accomplished. I liked the time it gave me to listen to conference talks and my coworkers were nice to hang out with. It was nice to have a job and be earning money. Finances will be tight for us for a little while, but we can make it work. We just won't have enough for me to go to school next semester too. So with that in mind, I'll get a job in January and work for a few months to build up some savings and go back to school next fall or winter. Maybe I'll graduate the same time Stephen does.

I'm looking into being an apartment manager. I have an interview tomorrow at the Elms to work there. I have to see if it'll work out for me. I didn't quit one job just to get overwhelmed with another. But if they will let me work a decent time table, maybe letting me do part time now in order to do full time next year, that would be wonderful. However, we'll have to move. I like my apartment a lot. It feels like home to me. It will be hard to move again, but there are several reasons why that would be a good option. It's all just in the idea stage, so we'll have to see what comes of everything.

 All of these decisions have been weighing on my mind for days now, and it feels good to have them decided and resolved. I considered not finishing this semester and just working full time, but I've already invested so much, and I want to graduate, so I'm still in class. I'm being more mindful of how I'm feeling and trying not to burn myself out. The classes I'm in require a lot of work, and because I've missed a few days, I'm struggling to get on top of them again, but I'll keep at it. There are 64 days left until the last day of class, not that I'm counting. I've taken my first midterm, so we're already deep in the course work. Stephen is being as supportive and encouraging as possible. He's so good to me.

Conference came at the ideal time for me, with all these life changes being presented. I found a lot of comfort in the talks. Stephen and I had some very personal experiences through conference that are too sacred to share on the internet, but to sum up, we felt that God was very aware of our situation and answered our prayers with comfort. He didn't tell us what all the right answers were, but simply proved His love. We were able to attend the Saturday afternoon session in person with our friends Katelyn and Trevor. It was such a special experience for us.

So Stephen and I are in a marriage class together, and for one assignment, we have made a goal to go to the temple once a week. I specifically am making the goal to do family names. We did a session last Friday together. That was a really nice break from the troubles of life. I love being in the temple. After our session, Stephen and I sat in the Celestial room together and talked. After a while, he asked me, "Are you ready to go?" and I said, "I'm never ready to leave here." Which is sincerely true. I want live in the temple and always feel that peace. It doesn't fix all my problems, but temple worship puts my worries into perspective. I'm so grateful for the blessing of having the temple in my life.

Well, this post is kind of all over the place, but that's what my life is right now. It's been rough, but it's also been so good for me. I find comfort in many places and from many people. I'm reevaluating my life and my plans and that's always hard to do, but I understand it is for the best. If life right now isn't working for me, then things need to change. But my foundations aren't changing. I am developing more faith and humility. I feel more love and trust from Stephen. I'm recognizing the blessings in my life and feeling grateful for family and friends who care so much about me. I've had a lot of people extend their help, be it in car rides or kind texts. Life is allowed to be rough sometimes. It helps me appreciate the calm more.