How do I begin to describe how our lives are changed forever? Where do I start when recapping this new world of parenthood? Do I go chronologically and point out how much she and we have changed within the few weeks of her being here? Do I clump certain topics together, like how some nights, she'll sleep so well, and other nights, she thinks it's play time? Do I clump together the funny moments like when she isn't done filling her diaper while we are in the process of changing it, or all the hilarious faces she makes without realizing it? Can I even convey in words the amount of love I feel for Paige, and the new measure of love I feel for Stephen? Can I properly share all the good without also sharing all the hardships? Can I, or even should I, share all of these personal experiences with the internet, or is Mary's example of pondering them in her heart appropriate?
Well, internet, she's here. Paige is now alive and well and showing off her strong body to the rest of the world. I keep wanting to point at it and say, "see! I told you she was strong! I told you she moved a lot! I told you she liked Stephen and music!" It's so fun to see this baby that I've been bonding with for so long already. It feels surreal a lot of the time. Ever since she was born, I've been trying to tell myself that this is MY baby, and not just one I'm babysitting for. There's a lot of back and forth on whether or not she looks more like me or more like Stephen. I can pick out the resemblance to Stephen every now and then, but for the most part, I think she looks like Paige.
In a lot of ways, she's a very typical baby. She cries, eats, fills her diaper, sleeps (kind of), and wants to be held, rocked, bounced, and just generally moved around. She also seems to do things I didn't think a newborn would do, like hold her head up to look around, stretch out her legs like a ski jumper, and move herself around during tummy time. But overall, I find all of the basic things Paige does entertaining, whether or not it's specific to her. She makes adorable noises like mewing, along with less adorable noises, like grunting. Paige makes silly faces, and I can't help but laugh every time she goes cross-eyed, even during late night feedings when I'm tired. I'm having a lot of fun playing with her, especially making her dance.
For the first few days, my mom was here to help, and that was such a blessing. She came in the first day while we were resting and just let us rest more while she cleaned and made dinner. Basically from Thursday to Tuesday, she made sure the house kept running by cleaning and cooking. She was also a huge help at night when I was still recovering and needed sleep. I could feed Paige and then give her to my mom who kept her for hours until the next feeding. We all had a rough few days to start with figuring out sleeping, Paige especially, but having my mom be part of the rotation made things a lot easier for Stephen and me. It was sad when my mom had to go back home, but I'm still grateful for all that she did.
Stephen had two weeks of paternity leave from work, and it was really nice to have his help too. He's gotten really good at using his computer one-handed while holding Paige on his chest with his other arm. Most of my pictures of the two of them together are in that position. She really likes sleeping on him while he plays games or watches videos. Sometimes, she watches his screen with him, and it's pretty cute. Stephen has not shied away from his responsibilities as a dad. We promised each other we wouldn't keep score, but I think he's changed more of the diapers (though I've been spat on more, so it balances out). He's quick to act if she or I need anything, and it's a lot of fun for me to see him in this role. I always knew he would be a good dad.
As for me, it's been an adjustment and an adventure. Recovery wise, I felt really good for the first week, and then suddenly a lot worse the second week. Apparently that's relatively normal, though don't ask me to explain how. I keep waiting for my body to feel normal again, and my midwives tell me that yes, I will feel normal again at some point, but it's probably a few weeks out still until I'm completely recovered. It's calmed down to a dull ache, though, so that's good. On a happy note, I was shocked to see my weight on the scale has returned to what it was pre-pregnancy already. I wasn't expecting that at all, seeing how there's a lot of emphasis on loosing the baby weight for moms.
The hardest part for me has been nursing, though I don't want to go too much into detail here. I can handle the lack of sleep just fine, but nursing has been the adjustment. To the women who have experienced this before, I'm sorry and I empathize with you. To the women who haven't yet experienced it but may at some point, I have no advice to offer you. To the men who will never have to experience nursing a baby, I envy you and pity you. Yes, nursing has been the hardest part, but it is also so emotionally rewarding. It hurts--it really hurt me until I got use to it, though it still starts with thirty seconds of pain. But it's also really sweet and precious.
I was worried about how much she was getting at the beginning, so I fed her as frequently as she asked for it for apparently a lot longer than I needed to. At her two week check up, the pediatrician was surprised that she weighed a pound more than her birth weight and assured me she was getting plenty. He's told me to scale back, and even though it's only been a day, it's a lot easier on me to not have to spend a half hour every hour feeding her. She's still adjusting to having to wait at least a full sixty minutes between eating some hours, but it's getting easier with each hour.
Because of her frequent eating, some nights, she wants to eat and play for hours rather than sleep. Other nights, she gets her fill and recognizes she is content, then will sleep for four hours or so. Those are the good nights. I never know what kind of night each evening will be, so I have to mentally brace myself for anything. She also is inconsistent on when she falls asleep for the evening, but she's pretty consistent about sleeping in each morning, so that's been good for me. She's not much of a morning person and would rather spend it in bed, which is a trait she get's from me.
I am very much enamored by her, but it's also been hard. I don't feel like it would be fair to everyone reading this if I sugar coated it and said she makes me nothing but happy all day and night long, every day. But it also wouldn't be fair to complain if I didn't also make it clear that she is so worth every hardship. There really have been several times where I've started crying because I love her so much. There have been tears of desperation too. I sometimes wonder if the two weeks after her birth were harder than the labor and delivery to get her here.
I have to give her the benefit of the situation though. Adjusting to life must be hard, too. She's done a really good job, and I try to tell her that often. She will be cooperative and patient for me a lot of the time. She's strong willed, but she's also sweet and tender. Sometimes, when I know we both are just desperate for sleep, I'll take her into bed with me and lay her on my chest and let her sleep while I'm semi-propped up (I don't move much in my sleep). She'll caress me gently as she drifts to sleep and give a little mew or sigh, and I just want to capture the moment forever.
She's already growing up so much, but I'm trying to soak in every moment of her being so small. I'm looking forward to other stages in her life, but I don't wish away this stage for a second. I don't want to look back with any regrets, and I'm doing the best I can. Stephen has been such a strength for me, and he does such a good job too, though he definitely enjoys long sleep stretches when he can. Paige is healthy and happy (for the most part). As long as all her needs are met, she's content to just be and look adorable doing it. She is a blessing to our family.
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