I was hopeful that my next blog post would be about my labor and delivery, but waiting for Paige has left me with more time than I know what to do with. I decided it was worth sharing the "pre-labor" story and some musings on this time in my life. This may or may not get personal, but it probably won't be as bad as the next post.
It's hard waiting. That's the short answer. I feel a lot of excitement now, thinking she could be here any time. I have such a longing for her, to hold her in my arms and see what she looks like. I'm ready for motherhood and I want to enter that stage, but here I am, still counting kicks. I'm not so much sick of being pregnant as I'm sick of not having her here. I know I said I wouldn't complain, and I don't want this to come across as such.
It's like waiting for Christmas without knowing what day it is. I'm excited and anxious. There are still the nerves of not knowing what to expect, but I feel blessed with a lot of peace about labor and delivery. Part of me knew she would be later than my due date, but part of me also hoped she wouldn't make me wait long. The optimistic side of me must have been the one planning food this week, because each meal has been a scramble to find something to feed Stephen and myself with (I have a lot of frozen dinners stocked up, but I refuse to use them before she's here).
I'm having trouble sleeping through the night. It seems like each day this week, I've waken at 4:30 and have been unable to go back to sleep for hours. I've been napping a lot to make up for it, but it makes me think that nursing in the middle of the night won't be disruptive to my non-existent schedule. I can get my body to clam down, but my mind doesn't want to stop thinking about Paige.
I have a lot of support around me, and their eagerness adds to my own. So many of us are waiting for Paige to make her debut, but I have yet to have a solid contraction. I feel bad when I have to text well-wishers back and say nothing has changed. Somehow, I feel responsible, though I really don't have any control of the situation. I know no one expects me to take on the responsibility for why she isn't here yet, but I wish I had some control. Going on walks, staying hydrated, getting sleep--I'm doing everything I should be, but that doesn't give me any influence on her birthday.
Funny story. Monday night, Stephen and I went for a walk as part of our Family Home Evening (and as a labor-encouraging activity, to be honest). As we were walking around the block, a couple in our ward was walking their dog in the opposite direction. It was kind of dark, so we didn't recognize each other until we were close. The couple then said hi once they knew who we were and the wife said, "I was confused when I saw you guys out walking without a dog, but now I understand." Yeah, I'm the overdue pregnant lady trying to walk my baby out, and it's obvious.
I keep psyching myself out with labor. I've had a lot of cramping and other precursor signs, but I'm still waiting for a contraction. I had my midwife check me on Monday purely out of curiosity--I was 2 centimeters dilated and 30% effaced. Paige had dropped to a position of -1, where last week she hadn't dropped at all yet. (honestly, I'm not sure how much that is. Baby comes out at 5, to give you some context) She was as wiggly as ever and changed positions while they were feeling her, so it's a gamble to know which direction she'll face for labor. I'm suppose to sit forward or on my hands and knees to encourage her to face my back, which is ideal for labor.
Basically though, all the numbers and symptoms I'm feeling mean labor is coming, but it gives zero indication of when. These signs could occur weeks before labor begins. It's comforting to know that my body is making progress, but it's still frustrating to not know when. If I knew that it was still going to be a week away, I would relax and enjoy this next week. If I knew it was going to be tonight, I would calm down and put my hospital bag in the car. It's not knowing that's the worst part. I won't be induced until I'm closer to 42 weeks, and even then, it won't be with medication until week 43 (heaven forbid I have to wait that long). I want to experience labor and delivery as naturally as possible, but I have gained a ton of sympathy for women who schedule an induction.
My mother-in-law said something yesterday though that got me thinking (and eventually crying). She said that Paige was probably getting some last minute instructions from Heavenly Father. It was such a beautiful thought. It made me step back and look at the big picture of the Plan of Salvation. I'm not sure what my beliefs are one where a person's spirit dwells during pregnancy. Part of me wonders if the baby can move between the womb and heaven. There have been moments of movement from her that I feel like she is very aware of what is going on here--maybe some kicks were reflexes, but she undeniably loves music and Stephen.
If she's also able to spend time now in heaven, it gives me more sympathy for her being over her due date. I can picture her in heaven, sitting on God's lap, hugging Him and being hugged by Him. I wouldn't be quick to leave His arms either. I can picture God missing her once she leaves. It's a humbling and inspiring thought to realize how much He must love Paige. He wants her happiness and for her to be with Him, and yet, he's decided to send her to me. I feel the weight of the responsibility to teach her about Heavenly Father and help her be as close to Him as I can. And with that thought, I recognize He has the same desire for me to be happy and as close to Him too. I think in my pondering on this last night, I came to feel and understand Heavenly Father's love for His children a little more. I know that parenthood is only going to increase this understanding of what Love really is.
We've been praying each night for a complication-free labor and delivery, and each night, I let Heavenly Father have control over Paige's birthday. While my plan to have her come quickly (or you know, be here by now) seems to be a great plan to me, I know God's plan is better, even if it doesn't make sense now. Maybe He does have a few more words of wisdom for Paige to prep her for this world. Maybe more so, he's prepping me. Either way, I am still pregnant due to God's wisdom. I'll let you know when this changes, because I know you're waiting too. If you'll offer your prayers with me for a healthy labor and delivery, we can leave the "when" up to God. She'll come to my arms as soon as she's done being in His.
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