Two Months and Tons of Fun

Two months have past since Paige came into our lives. It doesn't seem like that much time has happened, but that's what the calendar says. She's growing up so well. I feel like I'm bragging when I talk about her, but she really is a great baby. We have a steady pattern that she keeps to most of the time, though every now and then she'll mix it up on me for an hour or two, but then we're back to normal. It's nothing I can set my watch to, but enough that I know why she's crying, or how long I'll have until she starts crying for something. It is a huge blessing. 

And yes, she really does sleep through the night 90% of the time. I'm sometimes surprised when she only sleeps for 6 hours in a row. Lately, it's been about 8 hours or so. She then cycles through her eat-play-sleep every two to three hours until bedtime. We then do an eat-bathe-eat-sleep cycle to get her physically and mentally ready for her long sleep. Because she has two-hour cycles, we choose which one to make bedtime, which is helping all of us get to bed earlier. Normally, it's sometime between 9:30 and 11:00. Since we've added the bath to the nighttime routine, she goes down pretty easily, eliminating the need for the "first watch" that Stephen and I use to do to help one of us get some sleep. Now, we can all go to bed at the same time. Huge blessing again. I like falling asleep next to my husband at the same time. I hadn't realized how much that meant to me. Having different bedtimes was hard, especially when nothing was predictable, but with the extra effort of a bath each night, we all have a better night.

Her two-month checkup is on Wednesday, so I'm not sure what her stats will be, but I do know she's growing up well. She still has some baby acne, but it's gotten a lot better. She eats and fills her diapers regularly enough that I know she's healthy. She's grown out of her first outfit, so that's a milestone. It was one of the outfits she wore on her first day, (honestly, I don't remember which outfit we put her in first--it might have been this one) and even thought it's a newborn-size, it's lasted this long. I'm surprisingly more ok with her growing up than I thought I would be. I've promised myself to appreciate every stage and not have any regrets about it. 

Besides being a mom, I've also been spending my time doing family history work. I find it pretty easy for me to do while Paige is sleeping in the wrap. Since I'm not able to be away from Paige long enough to attend the temple, connecting families and finding missing members and making names available for the temple is my next best option. It depends on a lot of different circumstances for how many names I can get, but in a few good hours, I can add about a dozen names. I like to think that's pretty good. A lot of it is thanks to my Grandpa Jack's genealogy books, so I have that extra help. I like to think at how impressed my Grandpa Jack would have been with the Church's family history system. Since he's not alive to appreciate it, I'll transfer his work online for him. 

In the past few weeks, I've been obsessed with Divergent. I know I kind of missed that train a while ago, but the movie plays on TV a few times a week, and I try to watch it when I can. In fact, I've been watching it while blogging now. I've also read the book now and have the second one on hold from the library. It's been too long since I've read for fun. I read a lot of articles online and church material, but I haven't gotten into a novel for a while, so that was fun for me. 

Besides the regular routine of life, Stephen, Paige, and I went to Boise this past weekend for Michael's (Stephen's brother) baptism. We debated a long time if we should go or not. Traveling with a newborn was daunting to me, but we really wanted to be supportive. We finally committed to going. We left Thursday after work and took Stephen's brother Mathew up with us. We had to stop three times on the drive up to take care of Paige, but she did a lot better than I feared she might. We stayed with my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, Heidi and Scott, in their new townhouse, though we spent most of the time at Stephen's parent's house.

It was a challenge to take care of Paige and keep her routine going while wanting to spend as much time as possible with the family. Stephen was a great help, and Paige did really well. She spent a lot of time in the baby wrap so I could participate and do things like help with Michael's birthday party, play games, and eat. His baptism went really well too, and I'm glad we were there for it. I had to sacrifice staying up late talking to get enough sleep, or being with people in order to sit in the other room for a few minutes to feed Paige, but parenthood takes sacrifices sometimes. And it really wasn't too bad. We had to do some extra planning, but overall, we had a lot of fun.

Easter and Conference. General Conference was great. I'm looking forward to rereading the talks, since I spent a lot of the time taking care of Paige. But what I did catch was uplifting. For Easter, Deborah and Tom, my brother and sister, came over. We had a big breakfast and played cards. I tried putting Paige in an Easter dress, but it was way too big for her, so we gave up pretty quick. Stephen and I dyed eggs while Paige napped an then had our traditional egg roll. For the record, I won. 

One more note. We stared a garden a few weeks ago. I am notorious for killing plants, but I want to get better. We bought some lettuce, a tomato plant, and zucchini seeds and planted them in containers. In two days, the tomato plant was dead, but a few days ago, I saw the zucchini starting to bud, so we're having mixed reviews. Still, it's fun to water the plants each day with Paige, and I hope my efforts actually pay off. If not, we'll try again next year. It'll be a fun family project regardless. 

Well, life goes on. Not everything is perfect, but most of it is. I feel a little guilty for talking about how great things are, but we are really blessed. Heavenly Father is taking care of us.

Blessed by Family

Before I recap how great this past weekend was, I want to record some milestones for Paige. She is growing up and becoming stronger. On St. Patrick's Day, she pinched me for the first time, even though I was wearing green. She's found my hair and loves to tug on it when she's mad. Last night, I put her on her tummy on the floor while she was happy, and through her wiggling, she scooted herself around and within ten minutes, had her head where her feet began. I'm predicting that she'll be an early crawler at this rate. She's also started smiling and laughing on purpose. I thought she was smiling on St. Patrick's day and tried to get it on camera, but she wasn't cooperating. Stephen and I recorded her being happy last night, so I'll make yesterday the official milestone of her first smile and laugh. 

She also slept eight hours in a row last week and only woke up because we had to go to church. Paige slept at least six hours in a row for the majority of the nights this past week, which I know is spoiling me. I have no idea why, but something I must be doing works. She is still a night owl though, and loves to not start sleeping until after midnight, sometimes even two in the morning, but makes up for it by sleeping in. She's like me, I suppose, so I can't blame her.

So this week was eventful for us. On Wednesday, I had my last midwife appointment. It was bittersweet. I've been seeing them for so long, it's odd to think I won't go back. But I guess I got what I went to them for. We weighed her there with her clothes on and she came in at 10 lbs 9 oz. That's three pounds more than her birth weight. She definitely is chunkier, but it just makes her cuter. It's also reassuring to know both she and I are healthy and fine.

She was sleepy that day. Before the appointment, while we were getting ready, she was tired and cranky. I knew the drive would put her to sleep, so I put her in her car seat while I fixed my hair and finished getting ready. She had been crying pretty strongly, but started to calm herself once she was in her seat. It was the cutest thing. She would give little whimpers or quick gasps of air like she was trying to stop crying and be strong. She put herself to sleep before we even got to the car. My little trooper.

Thursday night, we had a Relief Society dinner. I took Paige with me and she did really well. I love it when she sleeps while I eat so I can enjoy my dinner. Otherwise, I eat with one hand or I listen to her cry at me. She did wake up an need to eat, so I stepped out for a bit, but otherwise, she behaved just fine. A lot of people commented on how alert she was. Paige is also really good at holding her head up, and she gets a lot of remarks over that too. Each time I successfully go out with her gives me more confidence.

Thursday night to Friday morning, Paige deviated from her predictability and kept me up until four in the morning to remind me that she's still a baby and that I should be more grateful for her good sleeping habits. But that didn't stop us from having a good day. I cleaned my house and prepped for company to come over. My sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and niece stayed with us this weekend. It's nice that we have the space for company to come over, which we really didn't have in Provo. They got here in the afternoon and we had dinner together once Stephen got home. 

After that, the girls went to a baby shower for Paige hosted by Stephen's aunt. Many of the women in Stephen's family were there--his mom, grandma, cousins, cousin's children, and aunts. It was a lot of fun to see everyone. We made headbands for Paige, and they all turned out really cute. She's been wearing some of them since and they really complete her outfits. It was fun to have a girl's night. We then hung out with Stephen's siblings and parents for a bit before heading back to our house to meet up with my family.

My mom came when we had Paige, but the rest of my family met her that night. It was fun to watch my siblings interact with Paige. I hadn't realized how unfamiliar they were with babies. Sarah was very timid to hold her, but warmed up with time. They didn't stay long that night, but Saturday, they came back over for a while. Everyone took turns holding Paige. When it came time to change her diaper, Sarah and Becca wanted to learn how to do it because they had never changed a diaper before, which is drastically different than my childhood. Joseph, Michael, and David were grossed out by it and gagged the whole time. The second diaper change, Sarah wanted to do it, so my mom walked her through the steps. The whole time, Sarah kept getting nervous and exclaiming "I can't do it," but she did a good job. It was really fun for me to spend so much time with my family and share Paige with them. 

Saturday evening, we gathered with Stephen's side of the family at the Joseph Smith Building across from the temple to celebrate his grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. I was nervous about how well Paige would do, but she slept almost the whole time. She cried during the family pictures (of course) but I was able to put her in my baby wrap and she slept while I ate dinner. The grandchildren and great-grandchildren sang Families Can Be Together Forever. They also showed a video of Grandma and Grandpa talking about how they met and fell in love. It was so cute. The family then presented a quilt to the grandparents that was full of different memories. It was a special event. Afterwards, spent more time with Stephen's family playing games for the rest of the night.

Sunday morning, I got up early to make sure I had enough time to get everything ready for Paige's blessing day. I had to wake her up again, and it was so precious to watch her try to keep sleeping as I got her ready. Sorry, baby! It was also fun for me to put her in her dress. My mom made her blessing dress out of the same fabric as my wedding dress and used the same embroidery design too. It was so beautiful. 

Most of our family and friends were waiting for us at the church when we arrived. It was so great to see so many people supporting us. Paige did really well during her blessing--she was awake and alert and seemed to listen to what Stephen said. He blessed her to be a blessing to those around her, allowing others to feel her sweet spirit. It was when he blessed her to someday meet a man worthy of her and marry her in the temple that I cried. Stephen is so great. We took pictures after sacrament meeting.

After the block of meetings, we had a potluck luncheon. There was plenty of food, which I was worried about. I cooked like, 70 hot dogs in a crock pot. There was about thirty five people there according to Stephen's head count. It's hard bouncing back and forth between our families over the weekend, so it was nice to have everyone together so we didn't have to choose. It was sad to say goodbye to them all after such a great time, though. Once all our visitors were on the road, we took a family nap.

Overall, it was great to have so much going on because I had been looking forward to it for weeks, and while I was worried about Paige handling it all, she couldn't have been better. I'm really grateful for our families and for all the love we felt. Thank you to all who support us from near and far, in person and in thought. We are truly blessed.

One Month Old

Paige is one month old today. Has it really been a month? She's grown up so much in the past four weeks. I feel like she looks older when I compare her to the newborn pictures. (Is she still a newborn? When does that term no longer apply?) She has a lot of Stephen in her, but I have a hard time recognizing how she looks like me, so I'm not the best to ask. So far, I'm still able to fit her into all of her clothes, even the newborn-sized ones, but she's also growing into larger clothes. Some outfits that are technically 3-6 months fit her now, but there are also other 3-6 month clothes that I wonder if she'll ever fit into because they look so big against her.

Paige loves to be held as much as possible. She will be content to lay on her own sometimes, but tires of that quickly. For the most part, she has a predictable routine of eat-play-sleep. She'll eat for 15 to 20 minutes, then be content and happy for a half hour or so. Suddenly, the switch flips and she's tired, but doesn't know how to put herself to sleep. She'll get really fussy, but if I can convince her to relax for just long enough, she'll sleep. There's no way of knowing how long she'll sleep for--could be five minutes, could be hours, but I try to shoot for a half hour. We then repeat the process, though she always likes to throw me off just when I think I know she's going to do something. For instance, she just fell asleep after eating, so I'm typing this with her sleeping on me.

For as much as she might not nap during the day, she does sleep well at night. For the most part, she'll give me long stretches of sleep at night, from at least four hours, to the max record of seven hours in the row (that was last night, and it was wonderful). There are nights where she doesn't want to go back to sleep after she wakes to eat, and those are the harder nights. Stephen will often take that shift and stay up with her as needed. We're working on having a reasonable bed time, though. She likes to wait to start her night until midnight or so. But for being a newborn, Stephen and I have been getting a lot of sleep.

Paige isn't old enough yet to smile or laugh consciously, but she will often grin and giggle in her sleep. It's the cutest thing ever. She likes to play "super baby" and be held up in the air over my head. She then flies around and saves the day. Her favorite song is Geronimo by Sheppard--it will calm her down when she's crying and if I bounce her along with the beat, she'll often be asleep by the end of the song. I also sing primary songs to her, and she seems to like A Child's Prayer best. She likes to see what is going on, even though not much happens with just her and me hanging out at home. Still, she likes to face outwards and look around. She especially likes to look out the windows. 

We both enjoy our baby wrap. She will fall asleep really quickly when she's in it, which works for me, except I then have to keep her on me while she naps. This limits what I can do, but because I have my hands free, I still can get a lot done and she'll sleep longer. It also normally works best if she also has her pacifier (we had to try a different shape, but she'll now take a pacifier where she wouldn't initially). We'll often go on walks with her in my wrap, and the young neighborhood girls love to look at her if they're outside playing when we walk past. 

Paige doesn't like when we wipe her during a diaper change, She also isn't a fan of baths. She isn't sure if she likes her swing or not--often we use it to help her fall asleep, so she cries in it, but then will sleep well once she relaxes. She doesn't like the doctor's office because they keep moving her or poking her heel. Paige is alright riding in the car as long as she just ate recently--if she's hungry, she let's me know from the back seat, though the freeway will often put her to sleep too. She really doesn't like not eating when she thinks she's hungry. I do my best to not feed her for at least an hour between sessions, and for the most part, she's accepted that, but we have our rough spots.

I like playing dress up with her. She is so cute, and cute clothes add to her cuteness. Stephen likes to watch her grow, he says. She really has changed our lives, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I've been doing a lot better emotionally. Having some sort of routine helps me a lot, even if it's still really loose and flexible. I've also figured out her cries more--I think before I was feeding her when she was actually just tired, which would keep awake and make her overfed, leading to the vomiting. We're still getting better at nursing--it's harder on me than it is on her, but it's a lot better than it was the first two weeks.

We've also been working on getting out of the house and going places. Earlier this week, Paige and I went to a La Leche League meeting. That was a big support boost for me. Sometimes, I just need the reminder that I'm doing a good job, and the women in the meeting were very friendly and encouraging. I hope to go often to the monthly meetings. We also had our first trip to the store last week. I took longer than I had hoped and she woke up wanting to eat just as I stated grocery shopping. I did my best to keep her calm and shop quickly, but I learned my lesson to feed her first. 

The next time I went shopping, I left her home with Stephen, but it was hard for me to shop without worrying about them. I called home in the middle of my outing just to check in because I was too concerned. Yesterday, she and I tried going shopping again, and that trip was much better. She slept most of the time. We also went to church for the first time, and because I was willing to hold her through the meetings, she slept in my arms pretty contentedly. I enjoyed all the gawking over her (it was deserved, let's be honest). 

I would report about our lives outside of Paige, but there's not much besides that. 95% of my time is devoted to her, and the other five is saved for things like eating or showering. Stephen goes to work each day, but he checks in to make sure we are doing alright. He's worked from home some just to help me out on harder days or busy days. I'm glad he has that option. Stephen's also been biking to work so that I have access to the car, and that's been helpful.

I have learned so much about her and myself over this past month, but I think I've learned the most about Heavenly Father. I feel like I understand how He feels about us and how hard He really is trying to take care of us. There are times when I'm trying to help Paige and I feel like I'm doing all I can to meet her needs. For instance, when I know she's tired and I'm holding her and bouncing her and shushing her and she has her pacifier but is too busy crying to notice all my efforts and let them help her, I can imagine Heavenly Father doing the same with us. We are too upset sometimes at Him to notice all the help He's already giving us. We cry and complain at Him when He's doing all He can to help us recognize the answer and solution is right in front of us if we would just calm down and listen. I feel like there's a scripture or quote that talks about how we have the understanding of babies, but I wasn't able to find it. If you can, I'll give you a gold star. 

I've also come to realize that I've reached one of the last major milestones in my life for a while. I'm so use to having deadlines, due dates, and changes, it's weird to realize this is how life is going to be for the next foreseeable future. Stephen goes to work. I take care of Paige. Paige grows up. This is what we're going to do for years. Yes, we'll add more kids to the family, but my role won't change. With my life being different every semester for so long, it's strange to think things won't change every four months. I'm fine with life being like this, I'm just not use to it. It's like I'm an adult. Weird.

The past month has been full of a lot of ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade it away. I really feel like this is my purpose, and I'm so personally fulfilled by it. It also takes all I have and can be very draining. But she gives me a reason to get out of bed each morning (and every few hours through the night). I love watching Stephen be a dad, and the times when Paige is happy and the three of us are playing together on the floor, I feel so much love. We're a real family now, and while it still seems surreal, I love being a mom to Paige. She and Stephen are the best things that have ever happened to me. One month down, eternity to go!

Adjusting to Parenthood

How do I begin to describe how our lives are changed forever? Where do I start when recapping this new world of parenthood? Do I go chronologically and point out how much she and we have changed within the few weeks of her being here? Do I clump certain topics together, like how some nights, she'll sleep so well, and other nights, she thinks it's play time? Do I clump together the funny moments like when she isn't done filling her diaper while we are in the process of changing it, or all the hilarious faces she makes without realizing it? Can I even convey in words the amount of love I feel for Paige, and the new measure of love I feel for Stephen? Can I properly share all the good without also sharing all the hardships? Can I, or even should I, share all of these personal experiences with the internet, or is Mary's example of pondering them in her heart appropriate?

Well, internet, she's here. Paige is now alive and well and showing off her strong body to the rest of the world. I keep wanting to point at it and say, "see! I told you she was strong! I told you she moved a lot! I told you she liked Stephen and music!" It's so fun to see this baby that I've been bonding with for so long already. It feels surreal a lot of the time. Ever since she was born, I've been trying to tell myself that this is MY baby, and not just one I'm babysitting for. There's a lot of back and forth on whether or not she looks more like me or more like Stephen. I can pick out the resemblance to Stephen every now and then, but for the most part, I think she looks like Paige.

In a lot of ways, she's a very typical baby. She cries, eats, fills her diaper, sleeps (kind of), and wants to be held, rocked, bounced, and just generally moved around. She also seems to do things I didn't think a newborn would do, like hold her head up to look around, stretch out her legs like a ski jumper, and move herself around during tummy time. But overall, I find all of the basic things Paige does entertaining, whether or not it's specific to her. She makes adorable noises like mewing, along with less adorable noises, like grunting. Paige makes silly faces, and I can't help but laugh every time she goes cross-eyed, even during late night feedings when I'm tired. I'm having a lot of fun playing with her, especially making her dance.

For the first few days, my mom was here to help, and that was such a blessing. She came in the first day while we were resting and just let us rest more while she cleaned and made dinner. Basically from Thursday to Tuesday, she made sure the house kept running by cleaning and cooking. She was also a huge help at night when I was still recovering and needed sleep. I could feed Paige and then give her to my mom who kept her for hours until the next feeding. We all had a rough few days to start with figuring out sleeping, Paige especially, but having my mom be part of the rotation made things a lot easier for Stephen and me. It was sad when my mom had to go back home, but I'm still grateful for all that she did.

Stephen had two weeks of paternity leave from work, and it was really nice to have his help too. He's gotten really good at using his computer one-handed while holding Paige on his chest with his other arm. Most of my pictures of the two of them together are in that position. She really likes sleeping on him while he plays games or watches videos. Sometimes, she watches his screen with him, and it's pretty cute. Stephen has not shied away from his responsibilities as a dad. We promised each other we wouldn't keep score, but I think he's changed more of the diapers (though I've been spat on more, so it balances out). He's quick to act if she or I need anything, and it's a lot of fun for me to see him in this role. I always knew he would be a good dad. 

As for me, it's been an adjustment and an adventure. Recovery wise, I felt really good for the first week, and then suddenly a lot worse the second week. Apparently that's relatively normal, though don't ask me to explain how. I keep waiting for my body to feel normal again, and my midwives tell me that yes, I will feel normal again at some point, but it's probably a few weeks out still until I'm completely recovered. It's calmed down to a dull ache, though, so that's good. On a happy note, I was shocked to see my weight on the scale has returned to what it was pre-pregnancy already. I wasn't expecting that at all, seeing how there's a lot of emphasis on loosing the baby weight for moms. 

The hardest part for me has been nursing, though I don't want to go too much into detail here. I can handle the lack of sleep just fine, but nursing has been the adjustment. To the women who have experienced this before, I'm sorry and I empathize with you. To the women who haven't yet experienced it but may at some point, I have no advice to offer you. To the men who will never have to experience nursing a baby, I envy you and pity you. Yes, nursing has been the hardest part, but it is also so emotionally rewarding. It hurts--it really hurt me until I got use to it, though it still starts with thirty seconds of pain. But it's also really sweet and precious. 

I was worried about how much she was getting at the beginning, so I fed her as frequently as she asked for it for apparently a lot longer than I needed to. At her two week check up, the pediatrician was surprised that she weighed a pound more than her birth weight and assured me she was getting plenty. He's told me to scale back, and even though it's only been a day, it's a lot easier on me to not have to spend a half hour every hour feeding her. She's still adjusting to having to wait at least a full sixty minutes between eating some hours, but it's getting easier with each hour. 

Because of her frequent eating, some nights, she wants to eat and play for hours rather than sleep. Other nights, she gets her fill and recognizes she is content, then will sleep for four hours or so. Those are the good nights. I never know what kind of night each evening will be, so I have to mentally brace myself for anything. She also is inconsistent on when she falls asleep for the evening, but she's pretty consistent about sleeping in each morning, so that's been good for me. She's not much of a morning person and would rather spend it in bed, which is a trait she get's from me.

I am very much enamored by her, but it's also been hard. I don't feel like it would be fair to everyone reading this if I sugar coated it and said she makes me nothing but happy all day and night long, every day. But it also wouldn't be fair to complain if I didn't also make it clear that she is so worth every hardship. There really have been several times where I've started crying because I love her so much. There have been tears of desperation too. I sometimes wonder if the two weeks after her birth were harder than the labor and delivery to get her here.

I have to give her the benefit of the situation though. Adjusting to life must be hard, too. She's done a really good job, and I try to tell her that often. She will be cooperative and patient for me a lot of the time. She's strong willed, but she's also sweet and tender. Sometimes, when I know we both are just desperate for sleep, I'll take her into bed with me and lay her on my chest and let her sleep while I'm semi-propped up (I don't move much in my sleep). She'll caress me gently as she drifts to sleep and give a little mew or sigh, and I just want to capture the moment forever. 

She's already growing up so much, but I'm trying to soak in every moment of her being so small. I'm looking forward to other stages in her life, but I don't wish away this stage for a second. I don't want to look back with any regrets, and I'm doing the best I can. Stephen has been such a strength for me, and he does such a good job too, though he definitely enjoys long sleep stretches when he can. Paige is healthy and happy (for the most part). As long as all her needs are met, she's content to just be and look adorable doing it. She is a blessing to our family.

Labor and Delivery

To say I was looking forward to my labor and delivery would be an understatement, in case that never came across. I had a lot of feelings on the matter, specifically with having a natural birth at a birthing center with midwives rather than the norm today of epidurals in a hospital with an OB/GYN. I've written a post about that already, so I won't go into much detail there, but I will say, with as much as I was wanting this alternative birth, there were definitely days where I worried and wondered what it would be like. 

I knew the average length of labor for a first time mom was about 18 hours, and I knew I am a wimp when it comes to pain generally. I had researched a lot of different positions for enduring contractions and had listened to a hypnobirthing recording several times in order to help me relax. I knew I would have a doula at my birth, which is basically a birthing coach who is not medically trained but there just for support, so I was looking forward to her help. I also knew my midwives were competent and would help me in any situation. Basically, I had set myself up as best as possible for the kind of birth I wanted, but regardless, the anticipation of the unknown was daunting. 

The last blog post talks a lot about my waiting for labor to start, and to be honest, I hoped writing it would jinx me into going into labor quicker. I guess Heavenly Father wanted me to recognize those feelings I had and write them down and share them, because it was that night that Paige was born. On the 11th, Stephen and I were eating dinner and watching American Idol around 7:30. It was then that I started to feel uncomfortable. Not that I was unfamiliar with discomfort at that point. I went and laid down and listened to my hypnobirthing recording again, thinking that this was either good practice or time to make the recording useful. 

Spoiler alert: it wasn't all that useful, but it also wasn't just practicing either.

The discomfort started to ebb and flow in intensity. Stephen came into the bedroom around 9:30 and started helping me. I found that I was best able to endure what I would now consider pain by being on my hands and knees on the bed and having him put pressure on my hips. I warned him that if his hands and arms weren't exhausted by the end of labor, he was slacking off. Stephen was a champ and was very attentive through the entire ordeal. He and I tried to distract myself by listening to music and Bill Cosby sketches. He also read scriptures to me. 

I had downloaded an app on my phone to help me time contractions, and I decided that the best way to tell if this was legitimate labor or not was to start tracking my pain. I can't really say there was much down time between the contractions, because the pain was always there, just more or less. This made it really difficult to try and time anything. I knew I was suppose to call my midwives when I was having one-minute-long contractions five minutes apart for at least an hour. My app was useless because I was so consumed with the pain, I had such a hard time tapping the start and stop. I then made it Stephen's job to keep track of how long I was moaning for. 

According to Stephen's count, my contractions were lasting around two minutes and were about three minutes apart. I decided to shower to make sure it was real labor. I knew that real labor lasted through a shower while false labor normally went away. The water was a good substitute for the counter pressure, but didn't get rid of the contractions. Once I was out of the shower, at 11:30, Stephen and I decided it was time to call the midwives. Mimi, one of my favorite student midwives, answered the phone. I remember saying, "Hi Mimi, it's Jane and I think I'm in labor." I then had another contractions and Mimi talked me through it. She then asked how far away I was from the birthing center. I told her I had a half hour drive. She then told me to meet her at the birthing center in an hour. I remember wondering why in the world she would make me wait an extra half hour. I soon learned this--while it took us a half hour to get from Draper to Orem, it would also take us a half hour to get from the bedroom to the car.

This is another point in the night where Stephen was a champion. It was his job to load up the car with our things as well as put counter pressure on my back during the contractions. He bounced back and forth between the two tasks well. There was one specific contraction, though, where he was taking too long, so I started yelling/screaming for him. I heard suitcases drop in the hallway as he dashed to my aid. I worried I was making him panic during this time, but he later said he was just focused and trying to hurry.

We eventually got in the car and started our drive. I called my parents and my in-laws in between contractions to let them know we were on our way. For the past few weeks, whenever I would call them, I started with "Hi, I'm not in labor" to allow the parents to stop holding their breath. It was nice to finally call with the news they wanted, even if it was midnight. Stephen texted the moms updates through the night to keep them informed.

The drive to Orem was the worst part of my labor next to pushing. I didn't have Stephen to help with counter pressure since he was driving. He held my hand when he could, but still, enduring the contractions without any help while trying to sit in my seat was not fun. I tried to use the radio to time my contractions, but spent most of each song feeling the pain.

There was a comedic point where we were close to the birthing center when a cop car pulled out behind us and started following us. His lights were off and Stephen was driving lawfully (though looking back, I'm not sure why I didn't make him speed) so we knew we were safe, but I thought to myself, "if this guy pulls us over, I'm so pulling the I'm-in-labor card and making him escort us the rest of the way." Unfortunately for all of us, that didn't happen.

We pulled into the parking lot just as I was having another contraction. Sarah, a student midwife that I met that night who turned out to be amazing, came out to help me inside. She talked me through that contraction while Stephen got our stuff situated. Once I made it inside, I was met by Harmony, the certified midwife on call (who happened to be my favorite), Sariah, the doula, and Mimi. The four women, along with Stephen, constituted my birthing team. I'm not sure how many people attend someone in a hospital birth, but I was impressed with the stamina these women had in helping me the whole time without relief.

The birthing team helped me with my contractions by counter pushing like Stephen had while I got situated to be checked. My biggest fear at that moment was that I wouldn't have made any progress and they would determine I wasn't actually in labor and would be sent home. They were pretty confident I was in labor when they determined I was 6 centimeters dilated and fully effaced. It was comforting to me to have made so much progress, but I was still assuming I had hours ahead of me--after all, five hours before I felt fine.

The next step was getting an IV for Group B Strep. I'm not one to love needles being poked into my body, but it became even worse when I had to hold my arm still for it through contractions. But actually being poked in the crook of my elbow wasn't bad. When your body is literally stretching apart from the inside to move a human through it, an IV is nothing.

Once I had all the medical things done, I asked for nitrous oxide, a.k.a. laughing gas. I had done research into this pain reliever option and knew my birthing center offered it on request. I was given the mask to self-administer the gas. As I breathed in, the mask made a funny puffing noise, meaning it was working. I then focused on that sound as it became a life-saver. The gas made everything from that point feel like a dream. I think they call it laughing gas not because it made me laugh, but because I was so funny on it that it made my birthing team laugh.

The other thing that made a huge difference was getting into the tub. Again I was looking forward to this option and really hoped for a water birth. The tub had jets that put counter pressure on my hips (anyone caught on that counter pressure was key here) as I sat in it. The midwives then put pressure on my knees instead of my hips, and that worked well. It was nice to have the water supporting me. I was able to move around much easier in the water when I needed to, and it really did take away a lot of the pain.

At one in the morning, my setup was complete. I was in the tub with the jets on, breathing in the nitrous oxide, feeling the midwives give counter pressure on my knees, and squeezing Stephen's hand. With all of that, I was as prepared for the rest of labor and delivery as possible, and honestly, the setup worked wonders for me. The laughing gas was probably the one to give most credit to for this, but honestly, I don't remember much for the next two hours. Apparently, I was really funny. I kept asking for the time, sometimes multiple times within the same few minutes. I declared favorites with the midwives, though I also told Harmony I didn't like her later on in the night. I told everyone how great everything was, and the midwives joked I would want to take the laughing gas home with me (I thought about it...).

I did remember when one of the aids stopped though. They had to turn off the jets to hear the heartbeat, and I protested each time they did that. The nitrous oxide tank ran out twice on me, and I panicked as the pain became more apparent until they hooked up a new tank. The midwives would switch spots and would stop pushing on my knees, and I got upset over that too. It's kind of unfortunate that those are the points I remember, but along with that, it made the time go so fast. I felt like each contraction was the first time I was having a contraction and forgot all the previous ones. I was still aware of what was going on and could pull away the mask and get a clear head in a minute, but until three in the morning, I was content with my dream-like state.

There was one more trick that I used that I hadn't planned on per se, but turned out to work very well. While everything going on around me helped ease my body, my mind needed to be eased too. I had initially hoped that the hypnobirthing would keep me calm, or Stephen talking to me, or something like that but in the heat of the moment, besides focusing on the sound of the mask, I distracted myself by reciting the Gettysburg Address. Who does that? I don't know. Apparently I do. But hey, it worked, and seeing as Paige shares a birthday with Abraham Lincoln, I find it fitting.

It was about three when I asked them to check how much more I had dilated. I was scared again about not making progress, but suddenly I heard Sarah saying "You're at a ten. That's it. You can push any time now. Just listen to your body and do what it tells you to." I tried a few pushes then, but wimped out. That hurt as well, and it was tiring. With my less-than-coherent mind, I decided I didn't want to push anymore and let each contraction ride itself out. After a while, Harmony noticed I wasn't pushing and told me she was going to take away my nitrous oxide so I would push. That scared me into pushing, and I made sure during the next contraction to give it all I had to prove I could do it with the gas.

Sarah checked me and said she could feel the head. She didn't need to tell me that, though--I could feel the difference, and it felt like pain. They were checking her heart rate and noticed it went down with every push. Harmony told me it was seriously time to push and this time legitmately took away the laugh gas. I was upset by this (this was when I told her I didn't like her) as the intensity of everything hit me. I could feel the panic as the need to get her out quickly rose. I screamed and yelled and was probably quite the sight, but just as the pain reached a pinnacle at 3:46, the pressure released and I felt a baby being placed on my chest.

The cord was wrapped around her neck and shoulder with her right arm up against her head. The midwives had to act fast and cut the cord quickly, getting rid of the constraining pressure. They removed the cord and thus, removed the danger. I had initially wanted to delay the cord clamping to allow the blood in the cord to get to Paige and give her an added bonus of health, but priorities in that situation didn't let that happen. That was the only part of my birth plan that didn't pan out as I had hoped.

Stephen said he was anxious at the end too, since everything was very tense, and he noticed that it took her a moment to start crying, and then she only did so intermittently. I was so consumed with the physical side of everything that I didn't notice. I just held her against me. I don't remember quite what I said or did in fifteen minutes that I held Paige in the tub. I think I was still in shock. I remember talking to Paige, trying to console her, telling her hello. I remember Sarah telling me I needed to push out the placenta and being terrified it would hurt a lot again. I also remember being really happy that she had hair.

It was time to get out of the tub, so Stephen held Paige for the first time. I was unsure that I would be able to get my legs over the side of the tub, but the midwives assured me that while I felt woozy, they would keep me stable. We went to the bedroom where Paige was checked, weighed, and measured while I was examined. Harmony gave me back my laughing gas, which made things better, though I was probably spouting off random things again then too. They gave me a shot of pitocin to make sure I didn't bleed too much. as well as massaged my stomach (which hurt, thank you very much). I tore a little bit, and they debated if I needed stitches or not, but went ahead and stitched me up to be safe.

They cleaned everything up and made sure Paige and I were ok (Stephen was fine, just exhausted, but I don't think they worried much about him). By 5:00, the midwives introduced me to Joyce, a staff worker who would help me if I needed it, and waved goodbye. At that point, we had four hours to rest or do whatever we needed to before we needed to leave. It was a short amount of time, but that was part of the student program that I had purchased for that birthing center. Once everything was stable, there really wasn't much reason for us to stay at the center.

We tried sleeping for a bit, but Paige was fussy. I attempted to feed her, but struggled (it took us the better part of that day to figure out nursing--later that morning I pumped some and fed her with that just to make sure she wasn't starving). Joyce fed us and took care of Paige once I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. As we were nearing 9:00, I showered and filled out paper work while Stephen loaded the car. Paige fell asleep in her car seat just before we left. And then there we were, sitting in the car, driving away from the birthing center only 14ish hours after feeling uncomfortable with a baby in our back seat.

Once we got home, Stephen, Paige, and I laid in our bed. We were all exhausted, but we were home, happy and healthy. We spent our first private hours as a family sleeping in bed together, Paige laying on my chest as I was propped up. It was a very tender time for me. My mom came that afternoon to help for almost a week, and Stephen's family came to visit the next day. We've been getting rest as we can, and my body feels like it got hit by a truck for how sore I am (especially on my right side where her arm was), but beyond that, we're all doing really well.

Overall, I'm really happy with my labor and delivery. I'm surprised at how quick everything went for me, and I'm so happy there weren't any major complications. I know we're very blessed there. I'm grateful there isn't photo or video evidence of me laboring because they weren't my finest hours. It definitely hurt, and I experienced a lot of pain. There were times when I was scared and panicked, and even times when level-headed Stephen was worried. It wasn't easy.

But it was so. so. worth it.

I'm really proud of myself and of what my body was able to accomplish. I'm grateful for Paige and would go through it all again for her if I needed to. In a weird way, I'm grateful for the pain because I feel like a better person for it. I know a natural birth is not for everyone, and don't ask me just yet if I will do it again for my next child (let a few more of the details get blurry first), but for me and Paige, this was the way it was meant to be. This post is long mostly for my records, and I'm sure I'm not including some extra details. I'm happy to talk about my experience with anyone who has questions (though props for you for reading the whole story as it is).

Mostly, I'm happy my labor and delivery ended in me being Paige's mom, because that's the why behind it all. And that really does make everything worth it.

Pre-Labor Pains

I was hopeful that my next blog post would be about my labor and delivery, but waiting for Paige has left me with more time than I know what to do with. I decided it was worth sharing the "pre-labor" story and some musings on this time in my life. This may or may not get personal, but it probably won't be as bad as the next post.

It's hard waiting. That's the short answer. I feel a lot of excitement now, thinking she could be here any time. I have such a longing for her, to hold her in my arms and see what she looks like. I'm ready for motherhood and I want to enter that stage, but here I am, still counting kicks. I'm not so much sick of being pregnant as I'm sick of not having her here. I know I said I wouldn't complain, and I don't want this to come across as such.

It's like waiting for Christmas without knowing what day it is. I'm excited and anxious. There are still the nerves of not knowing what to expect, but I feel blessed with a lot of peace about labor and delivery. Part of me knew she would be later than my due date, but part of me also hoped she wouldn't make me wait long. The optimistic side of me must have been the one planning food this week, because each meal has been a scramble to find something to feed Stephen and myself with (I have a lot of frozen dinners stocked up, but I refuse to use them before she's here).

I'm having trouble sleeping through the night. It seems like each day this week, I've waken at 4:30 and have been unable to go back to sleep for hours. I've been napping a lot to make up for it, but it makes me think that nursing in the middle of the night won't be disruptive to my non-existent schedule. I can get my body to clam down, but my mind doesn't want to stop thinking about Paige.

I have a lot of support around me, and their eagerness adds to my own. So many of us are waiting for Paige to make her debut, but I have yet to have a solid contraction. I feel bad when I have to text well-wishers back and say nothing has changed. Somehow, I feel responsible, though I really don't have any control of the situation. I know no one expects me to take on the responsibility for why she isn't here yet, but I wish I had some control. Going on walks, staying hydrated, getting sleep--I'm doing everything I should be, but that doesn't give me any influence on her birthday. 

Funny story. Monday night, Stephen and I went for a walk as part of our Family Home Evening (and as a labor-encouraging activity, to be honest). As we were walking around the block, a couple in our ward was walking their dog in the opposite direction. It was kind of dark, so we didn't recognize each other until we were close. The couple then said hi once they knew who we were and the wife said, "I was confused when I saw you guys out walking without a dog, but now I understand." Yeah, I'm the overdue pregnant lady trying to walk my baby out, and it's obvious. 

I keep psyching myself out with labor. I've had a lot of cramping and other precursor signs, but I'm still waiting for a contraction. I had my midwife check me on Monday purely out of curiosity--I was 2 centimeters dilated and 30% effaced. Paige had dropped to a position of -1, where last week she hadn't dropped at all yet. (honestly, I'm not sure how much that is. Baby comes out at 5, to give you some context) She was as wiggly as ever and changed positions while they were feeling her, so it's a gamble to know which direction she'll face for labor. I'm suppose to sit forward or on my hands and knees to encourage her to face my back, which is ideal for labor. 

Basically though, all the numbers and symptoms I'm feeling mean labor is coming, but it gives zero indication of when. These signs could occur weeks before labor begins. It's comforting to know that my body is making progress, but it's still frustrating to not know when. If I knew that it was still going to be a week away, I would relax and enjoy this next week. If I knew it was going to be tonight, I would calm down and put my hospital bag in the car. It's not knowing that's the worst part. I won't be induced until I'm closer to 42 weeks, and even then, it won't be with medication until week 43 (heaven forbid I have to wait that long). I want to experience labor and delivery as naturally as possible, but I have gained a ton of sympathy for women who schedule an induction. 

My mother-in-law said something yesterday though that got me thinking (and eventually crying). She said that Paige was probably getting some last minute instructions from Heavenly Father. It was such a beautiful thought. It made me step back and look at the big picture of the Plan of Salvation. I'm not sure what my beliefs are one where a person's spirit dwells during pregnancy. Part of me wonders if the baby can move between the womb and heaven. There have been moments of movement from her that I feel like she is very aware of what is going on here--maybe some kicks were reflexes, but she undeniably loves music and Stephen.

If she's also able to spend time now in heaven, it gives me more sympathy for her being over her due date. I can picture her in heaven, sitting on God's lap, hugging Him and being hugged by Him. I wouldn't be quick to leave His arms either. I can picture God missing her once she leaves. It's a humbling and inspiring thought to realize how much He must love Paige. He wants her happiness and for her to be with Him, and yet, he's decided to send her to me. I feel the weight of the responsibility to teach her about Heavenly Father and help her be as close to Him as I can. And with that thought, I recognize He has the same desire for me to be happy and as close to Him too. I think in my pondering on this last night, I came to feel and understand Heavenly Father's love for His children a little more. I know that parenthood is only going to increase this understanding of what Love really is.

We've been praying each night for a complication-free labor and delivery, and each night, I let Heavenly Father have control over Paige's birthday. While my plan to have her come quickly (or you know, be here by now) seems to be a great plan to me, I know God's plan is better, even if it doesn't make sense now. Maybe He does have a few more words of wisdom for Paige to prep her for this world. Maybe more so, he's prepping me. Either way, I am still pregnant due to God's wisdom. I'll let you know when this changes, because I know you're waiting too. If you'll offer your prayers with me for a healthy labor and delivery, we can leave the "when" up to God. She'll come to my arms as soon as she's done being in His.

Waiting for Paige

This is likely the last blog post before Paige joins our family--unless I'm going to stay pregnant forever, which is kind of what it feels like right now. There's less than 2 weeks until her due date, but whether it is intuition or revelation or naivety, I feel like she's not going to come until after her due date. Part of me wants her to be born on the 12th, so that her birthday is 2-12 and mine is 12-2. She could also come on Valentine's day--we packed a special "my first Valentine's" outfit to take to the birth in case she does come that day. Though there's also a chance she'll not be able to wear that outfit if she comes later than that. I'll just have to pin the outfit to my shirt that day if she's not here. 

Paige might surprise me and come before the 8th. She could come any day now and be just fine health-wise. People expect me to be at the point where I'm just done with the pregnancy and want this baby out, but I'm kind of sad that this stage is going to end. I like being pregnant. Sure, there have been a lot of rough points these past nine months, but there have been more special moments to outweigh that. I really love having this time with just me and her. I'm going to miss feeling her move in me. I'll miss how easy it is for me to take care of her right now--as long as I'm healthy, she is too. As soon as she's born, parenting is going to be much harder than now. But I have to remember that it's going to be much more fun, too. After all, this is what the pregnancy has been leading up to. 

While I might mentally be content, my body is showing signs of wanting the end. I officially waddle everywhere I go. I try to describe how it feels to Stephen, but saying things like "I feel like my legs aren't connected to my hips" can't quite do it justice. I guess it's only something moms can relate to. I spend half my day in the bathroom it feels like because she's taking up all the room she can. She still kicks strongly, especially as I try to fall asleep. She's already a night owl, and she already wants me to stay up and play with her--I don't think that will change once she's born.

I'm really looking forward to labor with both terror and excitement. I want to say I'm confident in my ability to handle labor, but while I know my body is designed to do this, my mind still has to endure the experience. It's hard not knowing what to expect as far as how labor will be for me personally. I've read and watched a lot of stories, and for the most part, they give me comfort. I've been doing a lot of meditation and positive envisioning, as well as making plans for alternative scenarios. I found out last week I'm positive for Group B Strep, which means I need an IV during labor for antibiotics, and while that was not part of my ideal plan, I don't want things like that to ruin my experience. Also, I think the recovery process is just as daunting to me as the labor experience at this point. I'm going to write a post about my labor as soon as I'm up to it, so if you're really interested, keep your eye out for that post.

I like to think that while I've definitely been hormonal during this pregnancy, I've still been reasonable. This is probably true for the most part, but lately, my track record isn't looking so good. Two things recently have been newborn pictures and a car seat and stroller. It took a few conversations for me to convince Stephen to spend money on newborn pictures. (I may or may not have cried during those conversations, which is really not fair. Sorry, Sweetheart.) Ultimately, we're compromising by Stephen giving into me and me being happy, which isn't a fair compromise, but it's kind of hard to compromise on a yes/no thing. 

I also am now in the market for a different car seat and stroller than the one I bought when I was newly pregnant. Yes, we already have a car seat and stroller, yet I want a different one, and my reasons are mostly aesthetic. Am I unreasonable? Probably. Is Stephen spoiling me? Probably. To be fair to myself, there are a lot of other wants that I've compromised on or let go. I've also done a really good job at saving money in a lot of areas as to justify spending more on other things. I do it out of love, so that makes it ok, right?

On a completely non-pregnancy related note, Stephen and I have been enjoying our new ward. We gave talks in church last Sunday about learning through adversity and received a lot of compliments. When people come up to me and say "good talk" or something basic like that, it makes me want someone to say "that was alright," or "you were adequate," or even "that could have been better." In other words, people are only going to say nice things. But when someone rushes up to the stand, gives me a big hug, and tells me my umbrella story was inspirational and made her want to serve others more, the compliment is more sincere. We had a few people tell us they took notes, and one asked for a copy of Stephen's talk. 

We also got callings in our new ward. Stephen is a primary teacher for the 11-year-olds. There are two other teachers for that class that they'll rotate teaching the lesson for. Otherwise, he'll be there to help as needed. Stephen is great with kids of all ages, so this will be a good calling for him. I've been called as the assistant secretary in the Relief Society. Basically, I'll be responsible for the monthly newsletter, which is going to be a fun and easy calling for me, especially while I have a baby. I like formatting documents, and when most of the information is given to me and I just have to make it look good, it'll be good for me.

Our lives are good right now. I feel like a ticking time bomb with Paige coming anytime, and once she does, life will be completely different. Right now, I stay at home and clean or prepare for Paige, and Stephen works nine to five. If I need the car, I'll drop him off and pick him up for work. He works about ten minutes away from where we live, so that makes things easier. When he gets home, Stephen will help me with chores, or we play games and watch TV. Super productive, right? It's mostly us still enjoying not having many responsibilities. I've gotten into watching Family Feud and other game shows, which is a cue that I need a baby to keep me busy. 

There are still boxes around the apartment that I want to unpack before baby comes. We've been building up stockpiles of food and increasing our food storage. The nursery is finally ready, which was a big to-do list item. I need to pack my labor bag, but I'm using that as an excuse for why she can't come yet, so that task just happens to not happen. I'm trying to enjoy the last few days of living like this. It'll be an adjustment for Stephen and me to have another person to consider rather than just ourselves and each other. Fortunately, it's an adjustment I've been looking forward to for a long time.