The Introduction to the Next Volume of the Blog of Life

It might be easier to state what hasn't changed in my life in the past month rather than what has changed. I'm still in love with Stephen, the gospel is still true, and I'm still (maybe eternally) pregnant. Besides that, life is new for me. Stephen finished his schooling! This means I get my husband back! He's been such a hard worker this past semester with 17 credits. When asked about his semester, Stephen said, "I'm glad it's over," which should give you some hint at how taxing it was. But his grades should be good as far as I'm aware. Though with a firm job waiting for him after graduating regardless of his GPA, I can't blame him for lacking motivation. Though really, if Stephen's just doing the "minimum" in his eyes, it's still going to be like, an -A or +B. That's slacking for him. I married a nerd.

Along with finishing the semester, we moved! Stephen and I now live in Draper, Utah. It's about a half hour drive north of where we were living in Provo. We're less than a mile away from the 114th exit, if that means anything to you. We're living in the beautiful basement apartment I had mentioned before. I still love it as much as I did when I first saw it. This place really does feel big for just the two of us. Ask me again in a few months if this space is still large for three people. I love the carpet and the tile in the house, as well as the paint job. There's tons of lighting so it doesn't feel like a dark basement. The bathroom here is probably as big as my old kitchen, and I can actually sit in the tub and not have my knees stick up for lack of space (being so pregnant, warm Epsom salt baths are lovely). There are more cupboards and drawers in my kitchen than I know what to do with. Really. I'm not sure what to put where yet. But give me some more time and I'll have them filled.

We've been collecting a lot of furniture for this new home. That's been the worst part of moving. In Provo, we lived in a furnished apartment and our largest belonging was a bookcase. It made it much easier to move out of our apartment because we didn't have to take big things with us, but that also meant when we moved, we would need to quickly get couches, a bed, a washer and dryer, a table, chairs, TV stand, computer desk, dressers, etc. This can easily be translated into a headache. 

The weekend before we formally moved in, Stephen and I drove up to the valley and looked at a bunch of furniture from KSL and refurbished stores. We got a washer and dryer that day, as well as a couch, table, and chairs, but it was a stressful day to try and coordinate schedules. We got help from the elders quorum president from our new ward who conveniently owns a trailer, and that was a huge blessing. But between coordinating schedules for ourselves, the people we were buying the furniture from, the guy helping us pick the stuff up, and our landlord for letting us in, I was quickly exhausted, and I didn't even do any of the driving or lifting. We had a similar day like that yesterday as we got a desk and more couches. Unfortunately, we're probably going to have to do it again in order to finish getting things we need. I'm looking forward to that being done.

 And of course, there was the actual moving process of getting all our stuff to Draper from Provo. Thankfully, we had a lot of help from friends and ward members in Provo. Stephen and I tried to have everything packed before moving day came, and I think we were probably 90% there when people came Wednesday morning to load up vehicles. We got a lot of complements from the people helping us on how organized and prepared we were, which was my goal. I didn't want to have other people loading boxes for me--I could do that part mostly on my own. But once a box weighed more than ten or fifteen pounds, I wasn't allowed to lift it. There's no way Stephen and I could have moved on our own with me in this condition, so I'm so grateful to the help we received.

Everything went quickly that day. We loaded, traveled, and unloaded the cars in less than three hours. There was even time for one of the guys with a truck to help us pick up our bed from my uncle Ken, who was finishing a six-month mission in Utah and no longer needed his new mattress and bed frame. That was also very convenient timing. When all the boxes were piled into our apartment, our friends went back to Provo, and Stephen and I welcomed the new step of unpacking by procrastinating. We took a break to play games, and that was the best part of the day. Yeah, we might be doing adult-like things such as graduating, moving, starting a new job, and starting a family, but Stephen and I are still just little kids at heart--when no one is supervising us, we play games. 

The day we moved in felt very surreal. I'm still not sure it's sunken in that I live here now. It feels like we're staying at someone else's house. I keep expecting someone to come knock on my door and tell me it's time to wake up, or join the rest of the family or party for some event or something. It's like I'm waiting to be disturbed, but no one is coming. I actually live here. Stephen and I are the only ones here. Sure, our landlord is upstairs, but beyond the occasional footsteps or hearing the garage open and close, we don't have much interaction with him. Maybe I'm waiting for him to come downstairs and tell me thanks for visiting but it's time to leave now. I don't know how long it will take for me to be comfortable with the idea that this is my new home, but I'm welcoming that change.

Leaving Provo was bittersweet. I've lived there for the past four years. I became very comfortable there and felt I knew my way around the city easily. Now, I have to google every time I want to go somewhere. Provo is where I grew a lot as a person (and grew a lot of a person) and met and fell in love with Stephen. It was hard to leave the apartment where Stephen and I started our lives together. After we had finished cleaning everything on Thursday, there was a half hour or so before the office was scheduled to check us out. I took that opportunity to have a sentimental cry about leaving our first home. Stephen isn't nearly as sentimental as I am, but he sure is patient and understanding when I just need to sob and talk about memories we had there. I'm happy for the new stage in life, but I also know it will never be the same again. It's bittersweet to be moving forward; it's the right thing for us to do, but we've also had a really good time together just the two of us--newlywed students who play games in their down time. But I am excited for the new stage of adulthood and parenthood.

Speaking of parenthood, I have seven weeks left, give or take, until this little one gets to kick air and not my rib cage. She is active throughout the day and night. People talk about lulling her to sleep by walking around and general movement during the day, but Paige sees this as a time to join the party. And when I lay down at night, she's not done partying. I'm grateful to know she's a healthy baby developing well inside, but at the same time, she has some well-aimed punches and kicks. There will be times when I'm just distracted by how much she is moving and give up doing anything else to watch my belly roll with her movements. She's currently head down but facing forwards instead of backwards. Hopefully, she'll spin at some point and then her movement wont be so sharp--her back to my belly instead of her feet, knees, elbows, and fists will probably make a difference. 

My midwife says she has plenty of time still to spin, but that just reminds me I still have plenty of time being pregnant. This is a good thing right now while we're doing so much transitioning in life. It's been hard moving while pregnant, but I'm sure it's easier than moving with a newborn. We still need to set up her nursery too. I wish I could decorate it super cute with a theme and homemade touches and refurbished furniture painted to match each other, but most likely, the room will be more about function than interior design due to time and budget. Still, I want to do what I can to make it cute and ready for Paige. She's not allowed to come until the nursery is ready, but as soon as it is, I'm going to need you all to remind me to not be anxious. Her due date is the 8th of February, but I'm not letting myself get eager until after Valentine's day, just to be safe. But if she's not here by the 15th, you know I'm going to be eating all the spicy foods I can, along with any other "trick" to get her to come. Because everyone knows I have so much influence over that.

Have I missed part of the recap? Probably. But this post is plenty long, and I have things to do, like get ready for church with our new ward, or wrap Christmas presents, or prep for our trip to St. George tomorrow. Or, you know, feel Paige kick for my attention so much that I have to sit down and watch her dance while I'm unproductive. This happens daily. If this is any sign to her personality, which I believe it is, I'm sure I'll hear the phrase, "Mom, watch this!" plenty. When that day comes, someone remind me of this point in my life where I am so eager just to have a child who will someday call me "Mom." 

23 Years

I can hardly believe I'm 23 already. This year has seemed to go by so fast, which is good I guess considering I spent most of the year pregnant. Looking back, I've accomplished a lot in the past 365 days--graduating college, having my first full-time job (for like, two months, but it still counts), and becoming a body-builder (bah-dum-ching). My life is a lot different than it was a year ago, and it's only going to become much more different during this upcoming year. 

Now to the updates: We did get the apartment I had talked about before, and we're making plans to move in two weeks. We have a week where our two contracts overlap, so we have time to move, but it also drags out the process a bit. Stephen and I are figuring out all the logistics, realizing it's going to be complicated trying to move our stuff as well as get furniture in the same week. We're going to need a lot of help, seeing as I can pack stuff but not lift or carry anything really. We're still trying to find a truck to transport all of our stuff, and then we're going to need to find things like couches, chairs, a table, a washer and dryer, dressers, etc. So I'm going to ask as humbly as I can that if you are in the area and either have a truck, furniture you don't want (don't give me anything you're using--only the extra stuff), or time during the week of the 15th to help pack, carry, or clean, let me or Stephen know. If not, general prayers in our direction are always appreciated. It'll all work out, I know, but help is needed.

So this past week, Stephen and I traveled to Idaho for Thanksgiving. I had been looking forward to the trip for a while--it's so nice to spend time with family. We played games, ate great food, and completely messed up our sleeping schedules. This trip, I finally got the hang of the game pinochle, the signature Rollins game, as well as won Seven Wonders by a landslide. It was also fun to see how much the little kids have grown up. We celebrated two of my brothers-in-law's birthdays. Little Jacob was so scared of his birthday candles. It was pretty funny to be trying to sing happy birthday to a two-year-old who is screaming and shoving the cake away from him.

I also got to play with my niece, who is five months now. She's good at being super happy for a while, but as soon as she's tired or hungry or just generally done with the situation, her attitude changes almost immediately. But once her needs are met, she goes back to smiles just as quickly. It's fun to hold a baby and think that I'll be having my own pretty soon. I'm feeling great pregnancy-wise. Just huge is all, but like most people reassure me, it's only going to get bigger from here. She's been kicking me almost the whole time I've been writing the blog post, so I guess she wants me to tell you all hi from her. I had a midwife appointment today and it was pretty uneventful, which means everything is normal. 

Well, Stephen is walking in the door now, and that means we're going to start my birthday celebrations. I want to find out what he's been conspiring about, so while this is short, it will suffice. Insert mushy romantic stuff about how great Stephen is to me, and we'll call it good.  

My Thoughts on Labor

It started in my Women's History class a year ago. We spent a day discussing the history of birth and how birthing has changed in America in the past 100 years or so. One of my classmates raved about a movie she watched on Netflix called the Business of Being Born. A few weeks later, when I was looking for something to watch on Netflix, I remembered her recommendation and decided to give it a shot. An hour and a half later, my mind and my life had been changed.

I figured when I had a baby, I would get an epidural. That's what everyone did, right? Thank goodness for modern medicine that would take away the pain from this scary experience. I didn't understand what a "natural" birth meant, even though my mom had all her nine kids naturally; I assumed it was just the opposite of a C-section. And I had heard of home births and midwives, but that sounded like the most hippie and backwards idea--you might as well go have your baby in a cornfield while you're at it. People shared horror stories of labor lasting for hours or days, and TV always portrays it as a traumatic emergency. The woman suddenly crying out in pain, grasping her stomach, "the baby is coming." There's panic to find towels and water, encouraging onlookers telling her to "push," and moments later, the mother screams, sometime cursing the husband at the same time, and then she had a baby.  I'm not ashamed for thinking this way because I was uneducated in a society that doesn't talk about birth, or rather, what birth could be.

As I watched the Business of Being Born, I recognized how biased it was--obviously a proponent of unmedicated, out-of-hospital births. But at the same time, it was resonating with me. It made sense. They showed clips of births, both in and out of the hospital, and I began to understand what it really was like to have a baby, what a midwife actually offered, and what it meant to have a natural birth. The film was a great educating tool in many ways, but it also informed me that I wasn't informed. I had no idea there were options when it came to birth. After watching that film, I researched my options.

Granted, I wasn't pregnant at the time. I was baby-hungry, sure, but I had been baby-hungry since I was like, six. I knew it wasn't pertinent to my life at that exact moment, but I was interested enough and curious enough to learn more. I read articles, googled midwives in my area, and watched more videos. I think some of the most helpful materials were people's birth stories. I looked at both in and out of hospital stories and recognized that I had preferences and wants when it came to how I would someday birth. I discussed my findings with Stephen. He had some of the same concerns I initially had, but ultimately, he trusted me and he knew it was my decision since it would be my experience of actually being in labor and giving birth.

What if?

That was the biggest concern for me when I first started considering having a midwife and an out-of-hospital birth. What if something went wrong? There's a sense of security about having a baby in a hospital with all the interventions and emergency supplies at a doctor's fingertips. I wish I could find the exact quote, but somewhere along my research, I read about this. People go to the hospital when they're sick--but having a baby isn't a sickness. The mother isn't ill. Having a baby is a natural part of life, not a disease. People don't live in the hospital because of the fear that something might go wrong--they go to the hospital only when there's a complication. The same should be with childbirth. You can have a baby at home and then, if there is a complication or a need, you can go to the hospital, but otherwise, there's really no need.

Yeah, but what if?

I was still worried because of all the horror stories I had heard. Yeah, women have been having babies since Eve and the beginning of the world, but there's countless stories of women who die in childbirth, leaving their new baby an orphan (what happened to the dad, I don't know--that's just how the stories go, ok). (Seriously though, think Oliver Twist.) Or the stories of the baby only living a few hours or days before dying. There's the image of pioneers crossing the plains and burying their newborns who didn't survive. That's where the "thank goodness for hospitals and modern medicine" ideology came in.

But then I started looking at facts and statistics rather than fictional stories. I realized how many women were really "at risk" when it came to pregnancy (hint, it's like less than 10%) and how "at risk" I was when it came to pregnancy. I am young and healthy, and really, that eliminates a majority of concerns that might make a woman "at risk". The odds I would have a normal. low-risk pregnancy and delivery were like, 99%. Most of the horrors I was concerned about didn't apply to me. 

Definitely advances in medicine play a factor to this, like stopping a lot of blood loss, or using ultrasounds and blood work to identify potential problems before labor. But these advances were not exclusive to hospitals--midwives are trained to handle these situations, and if they are concerned or notice anything abnormal that is beyond their skill or training, then they'll recommend other options, like going to a hospital, because that's when a hospital becomes useful.

Am I being a risk taker, or gambling over something so important as my child's life, or my life? Yes, but I also take a risk anytime I get into a car and drive, and honestly my chances there are much worse than in childbirth. And if the need arises that I should go to the hospital, I will, but until then, I'm going to keep driving and have my baby in a birthing center.

Why a birthing center?

This is mostly because of my preference. I view it as the middle ground between a hospital and a home birth. Because I live in an apartment that makes me surrounded by people on every side of me, I would feel more uncomfortable having a baby here. I have no idea what I'll be like in labor, but I'm probably not going to be quiet with my track record (I tend to be noisy even when I'm getting a massage on a muscle that's sore). Also, there's not much space in my apartment, and it's not the cleanest place to have a baby. I want to go to the birthing center because it's set up specifically for birth--clean, spacious, different tools and equipment handy (though midwives will bring anything necessary to a home birth) and they have a nice tub set up for water births.

P.S. Water births are super cool. No, the baby won't drown. They're surrounded by fluid in the womb already--they get their oxygen through the umbilical cord, and their reflexes for breathing won't kick in until air hits their mouth. And it's not like the baby sits underwater forever--they'll be brought to the surface as soon as they're able to. Water births are also known as nature's epidural and can reduce pressure on the back and stomach, as well as reduce tearing and relax the muscles. I would love to have a water birth, and I'm excited for that option when the time comes.

I chose the birthing center I'm using, Better Birth, for a few reasons besides the fact that it's a birthing center. This specific center has two offices--one in Orem and one in Salt Lake. Since I knew we would be moving during my pregnancy, by choosing this center, I wouldn't have to switch care providers because of the move. Also, the center I chose has a team of midwives, making someone available 24/7, even if it's just to call with a question or mild concern, which I've done a few times. I also chose this place because they have a student program where midwives are actually trained through the center. 

I chose to do the student plan because my care would not be compromised--a certified midwife would be present for every appointment and during the birth, though the student would be the one who I interact with. The student takes the measurements and answers my questions, and the certified midwife adds her insights as needed and makes sure the student does things correctly. It's also neat because I get to learn a bit along with the student. And in all honesty, the student program costs less than the regular package, and that was enticing.

Now to the issue of cost. In most cases, buying quality means more expensive. I think of food and clothing in particular. Yeah, fast food is cheap and easy, but the quality of a dine in dish is obviously better than McDonald's. And while I'm really good at buying my clothes cheap, they tend to wear our faster than if better quality fabric was used. You would think the same would apply to birth. When I realized that having a midwife, at least for me, meant more quality care, I figured it would be out of my price range. 

However, the opposite was true. Using the birthing center and paying for it without insurance was cheaper than having a hospital birth with insurance. Most insurance plans had a deductible higher than the total cost of my pregnancy with the midwife. This includes all of my prenatal visits as well as labor and delivery. To sum up, hospital care is far more expensive than midwifery care. Because of Stephen working over the summer, we saved up enough to pay the entire cost already, so having a baby won't put us in debt, or even set us back any (buying all the baby supplies might, but that's a different story). 

But what about the pain?

This will be the final concern I address. Short answer: "how should I know? I've never been in labor." But there's more to it than just that. I don't know. I don't know what if feels like to have contractions, or to move a baby through my body, or to have the need to push for hours after having labor pains for hours before that. But I also don't want to be scared of it. Our culture emphasizes the pain without discussing the miracle that is happening. While all the odds might be in my favor, it is still a miracle for a child to be born. 

My body is designed to give birth. I know there are many women who are unable for whatever reason to have children, but the female body is still designed to have a baby and give birth. I believe it is divinely designed to do so. So far, my body has known how to grow a baby without me trying--why would labor be any different? I didn't do anything to make sure I had a placenta, or to double check the umbilical cord provided the right amount of nutrition. Growing this child hasn't required intervention, and I don't think my labor will need it either. 

Will it hurt? Probably. But there are ways to handle the pain besides numbing my body. The mental preparation is just as important as the physical preparation. I plan to move around during labor, to do stretches, to use water or massage or relaxation techniques or nitrous oxide or exercise balls or whatever helps. But ultimately, I don't want to blindly run to an epidural without knowing what the cause of all this commotion is really about. I've never been in labor to know I want an epidural, and it's an important enough decision that I don't want to make it based on other people's horror stories. You're going to have to ask me again after I have my baby if I made the right choice. But honestly, I feel spiritually that I have.

This leads me to my final thought. I've addressed a lot of concerns and gone through a lot of explanations, but ultimately, there's one giant factor here that I have to address to do this topic justice. Faith. I have faith in the Plan of Salvation which God put into place to give His children a body. I believe in the importance of having a body and I understand my role as mother in Zion to help create the bodies for a few of His children. I am humbled by it. God has entrusted me to mother one of His special spirits, to nurture that spirit from the very beginning by letting their body grow inside me. 

I have faith that God cares about me and about my child. We are both very important to him. I also have faith that God is not going to abandon us, especially in times of need. If having children is so essential to God's plan, I have faith He's going to assist me in this work. I believe my body to be divinely inspired with the ability to carry forth His plan of giving His children bodies insomuch that I have faith that labor and delivery can be one of the most spiritual experiences I will ever have. I am excited to experience it in a setting of my choosing, one that I feel is most conducive to the kind of delivery I want. I understand the risks and the worries and the what ifs, but I also understand the Gospel and my Heavenly Father and the enabling power of the Atonement. I have faith God will enable me to accomplish His work of bringing this child into the world. That is more powerful than any fear, and contraction, any statistic. 

I know having my baby with a midwife at a birthing center is the right option for me--I've come to know this through prayer and a spiritual confirmation. If other women receive a different answer, then that's great for them, and they should do whatever they feel is right. This doesn't eliminate the need to be educated and informed. I'm so grateful I stumbled into the issue of birth and recognized it as something I needed to learn about. I am not an expert, and I'm sure there's plenty more arguments and concerns and ideas. But for me and my baby, this is the choice I've made, and with God as my support, I look forward to the day I get to welcome Paige into the world and into our family.

Upcoming Changes

I have a half hour while my persimmon spice bundt cake is in the oven, so we'll see how much I can cover in that time period. For Halloween, Stephen and I didn't do much. We watched Charlie Brown's Great Pumpkin special, and I introduced Stephen to the childhood glory of Halloween Town from Disney Chanel. If you've never seen it, add it to your holiday traditions, because it's a cheesy classic. We didn't have any trick-or-treat visits, but that doesn't surprise me living in an apartment complex of newlyweds, surrounded by housing for college students. Next year will be much more fun to take Paige out for events like trunk-or-treat and just show off cute baby in a costume. Not that she'll be eating much candy next year, but it will at least be more exciting than this year's holiday.

Stephen's been swamped with schoolwork. He's had a lot to do for group projects and other assignments. He only has a few weeks left, though, so we're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He's such a hard worker. In his little down time, he's normally helping me out with one thing or another. The other day, he sent me to bed to take a nap and cleaned the kitchen while I was asleep. He's helped me a lot on hard days by knowing when I need a break and he's willing to just give me attention to make me feel better. We got some frozen yogurt last week and had a date night like we use to while we were dating because he wanted to cheer me up. Little things like that make all the difference--he makes me feel special and important to him, even when he's busy with schoolwork. Thanks, Sweetheart!

With the end of the semester nearing us, I've been looking for housing up in the Salt Lake area. Stephen's work is in South Jordan, and we knew it would be nice to live close enough for him to bike to work. We were looking into basement apartments and townhouses because both of us were ready to be done with complexes and live like real adults (kind of). I had been doing research for months, trying to get an understanding of the area and the market and what we could afford. We made two trips up to valley, one last Saturday and one yesterday, and toured a handful of places. 

Yesterday we found a basement apartment in Draper that's about two miles from Stephen's work. It's updated and big (1700 SqFt) with two bedrooms and a gorgeous kitchen. It's under budget for us, too, which is a big blessing. The landlord would be a young single guy who just recently bought the house knowing he wanted to rent out a basement. We're probably going to sign the contract for it tomorrow, so it's not a done deal yet, but hopefully it will be, and our search for housing will end. It hits almost all of our wishlist items and has few negatives. I can see myself living there, as can Stephen, and starting our family in that home. Cross your fingers for us that all goes well there. 

In other news, we gave talks in church today. In non-Mormon lingo, it's like we gave mini sermons to  the congregation. Our topic was the atonement, which is near impossible to do justice to in ten minutes each (granted, my talk ended up being more like twenty minutes, but that made everything work out perfectly). I shared some insights from a recent General Conference talk by President Packer and Brad Wilcox's books, The Continuous Atonement and The Continuous Conversion. (My Mother-in-law gave me the second book after hearing about how much I liked the first one. Thank you, Teresa!) After sharing some quotes and thoughts, I felt the need to share my umbrella story. If you've known me long enough, you've probably heard that story at least once or twice. It basically is how I gained a testimony that God was aware of me and my needs. Stephen pulled out all the scripture stops and shared a lot of really powerful verses about the atonement. He's much better at the studious, scriptural side of the gospel, and I'm fond of the emotional and heart-warming stories, so between the two of us, I like to think we do a good job. 

Pregnancy-wise, we're doing well. Paige is active a lot throughout the day and night. Sometimes she just seems to push against one spot and not really move. It's like she's sitting on me, putting a lot of pressure in one area, but not really kicking or anything. Other times, she definitely is working out her arm and leg muscles. We also already discovered that Paige is a Daddy's girl. Stephen has the ability to calm her down almost instantly. She could be kicking repeatedly, but as soon as he puts his hand on my stomach, she stops. While it's slightly disappointing that she doesn't perform when we want her to, I've used this technique to my advantage. Last night, she was very active as I was trying to sleep, so I asked Stephen to put his hand on me. It worked like a charm--Paige held still for him. Anytime he would pull away though, she would go back to wiggling. I guess she just wants Daddy's attention. But hey, if he has the ability to calm her down, I will be taking advantage of that in the months to come.

My due date is only three months away. Can you believe how fast this pregnancy has gone? The first trimester was the hardest, but the second one seemed relatively easy and quick. We've had a lot of fun milestones in this trimester. One more week and I'll officially be in my last trimester. My back has started celebrating early by giving me a lot of lower back pain, and heartburn happens most days. Still, I get happy every time I feel her move, which keeps me happy a lot of the time. I've enjoyed having this one-on-one time with her, though there are still moments where I want to tag-team the burdens with Stephen (it has yet to work though). 

Overall, life is good for us. Things are working out. We had a ward temple trip this last week, and Stephen commented it'll be one of the last times we can be with our whole family in the temple for many years. I'm grateful for my little eternal family, and how our adventures unfold. Stephen graduating, moving, Stephen starting his job, and having Paige join us outside of me all can be counted down to in weeks now. Changes are coming fast, but they're going to be good to us. 

Pregnancy and Pumpkins

On Sunday, I was trying to do an Sunday-appropriate activity by watching Mormon Messages and quickly realized that wasn't the best idea for an emotional pregnant lady. There's a commercial on TV where the woman is pregnant and crying while watching a video on her tablet, and the husband comes and says "Honey, I would prefer you didn't watch these when you're pregnant." She then say, "but they're being so nice" in reference to the video of a cat and dog playing together. Stephen quotes that to me often. Sunday morning, he got out of the shower and saw me crying on the bed listening to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Pandora station. He asked what song it was that made me start crying, knowing instinctively what was wrong (or rather, that nothing was actually wrong). It was Mary's Lullaby. Totally got to me. He quoted the commercial and asked me if I purposely torture myself or if I had considered just turning off the song. I told him I wasn't torturing myself--I was indulging myself. I do that sometimes.

Pregnancy wise, I'm doing really well for the most part. I had my 24 week check up last Monday and confirmed I don't have gestational diabetes, so that's good. Paige was as wiggly as ever when they were trying to get her heartbeat. She's super active at random points throughout the day, but seems to be consistently active when the midwife checks her heartbeat and around 9:00 at night. In fact, she's being active now. I guess she wants me to tell you all hi from her. I try to talk to her often, and I feel like that helps both me and her. I want to send her all the positive vibes I can.

One down side with being pregnant--heartburn. The wives' tales say having heartburn means my baby will be born with hair. If that's true, I think Paige will be born with a lion's mane. Friday night I started having really bad heartburn that didn't go away like it most often does. Hours after eating some tums, it still was hurting, and getting worse. Around one in the morning, I asked Stephen to give me a blessing, which he did without hesitation. Unfortunately this didn't immediately bring relief. I was awake until five, trying to cope with the burning sensation. What finally allowed me to sleep was practicing some meditation from Hypnobirthing (I'm looking into using that for my labor). 

I got three hours of sleep before I woke up again, still hurting. I called my midwives who recommended some medicine and to eat bland food. The medicine helped a lot to stop the acid reflux, but, my chest and throat still felt like it had been scalded and damaged. My midwives called me Saturday afternoon to check on me and see if I was doing better. I thought that was very kind of them to do. Saturday night it had calmed down more, but it wasn't until I woke up Sunday morning that I finally felt like I was over that bout of heartburn. It was physically and emotionally taxing, but I am doing just fine now, so don't worry.

Saturday wasn't completely consumed by heartburn though. Stephen and I went to a ward activity at a farm. We had a hayride, shot rotten apples out of a homemade cannon, walked through a maze that went up to our shoulders, and took a cute picture in front of an old truck with some pumpkins. The point of the activity was to pick out a pumpkin, but the tightwad in me knew I could find them cheaper at the grocery store than at the field. It was still a lot of fun to go to the farm and spend time with Stephen. Ward activities in a married student ward are more like a big group date. We realized Stephen and I still need to work on the socializing with other couples thing. We might still be in the newlywed phase.

We went Saturday night to a grocery store and picked out some really good pumpkins. We carved them Sunday night. It was our first time carving pumpkins since we didn't get around to it last year. It is a lot of fun to do something festive with him, since we probably won't be dressing up this year. Really though, I'm more excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas and the time we'll have with family. I've been listening to Christmas music all year. Stephen would normally give me a hard time for listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving, but when it's June and I'm listing to my Christmas Pandora station, he really can't say much.

After we carved pumpkins, Paige was wiggling a lot. I sat on the couch and Stephen and I watched my stomach. Suddenly, there was a big lurch as half of my waved to the left. We both checked that the other saw that, and I was so excited. We then tried having Stephen put his hand on me. He must have a calming touch, because anytime we've tried it before, Paige has stopped moving. But this time, after a few tries, she gave a nice solid kick to his palm. He looked at me and asked if that was me or not. I told him it was Paige and felt so excited and proud. I've been wanting Stephen to feel her for a while now to share this with him. It was a great family bonding moment with the three of us that made me excited for the rest of the night.

My mom and sister are coming to visit today. Deborah is moving up to Provo after coming home from her mission about a month ago. I'm excited to spend time with them, but especially my mom. I call home several times a week for one question or another, and I imagine the phone calls will only increase once I'm taking care of my baby. But having them come means I need to clean my house. At least it's not too bad today. Just the kitchen and bathroom. Stephen helped me with vacuuming and the laundry yesterday. I sure love having a husband who helps me with the chores. But the dishes need to be done, so I'll go do those now. 

Expect Pregnancy Tears. Always.

I'm surprised by how many comments I get from people asking about my blog or when I'm going to write something. My biggest fan is my husband, who is really good at reminding me to write. But I'm also grateful for the family and friends who read this and then share it with other family and friends. I would expect that more if my blog had tips or tutorials or other pinterest-worthy posts, but if you want to just read about my life and the little happenings of mortality, then that's great too. 

Let's go back in time a few weeks to Stephen's birthday! He's 24 now, which is pretty great. Stephen is a year and a few months older than me, but that means his birthday comes first in the year (My birthday is in December, so most people have their birthday before mine). I got him an umbrella, a tie, and some new headphones for his birthday. Well, his headphones he had chosen a few weeks earlier, but we still decided to count it in his list of presents, otherwise his list would be kind of lame. I made him breakfast in bed of some french toast and fresh strawberries. It was nice to eat it with him, as for most mornings, he's up and gone for school a few hours before I decide to get up out of bed myself (I blame pregnancy, because I still also nap in the middle of the day, and get tired first at night). His birthday landed on a Sunday this year, and it was the same day as the Ogden Temple re-dedication. This gave us time in the morning to be together and eat french toast and open presents. It was also conveniently raining that day, so his new umbrella got put to use right away, as well as his tie for the church meeting.

The temple dedications was so nice. I was worried about getting there earlier enough to get a good seat. I didn't want to get stuck in the back on a metal chair if I could help it. We arrived and noticed there were maybe ten other couples scattered through the chapel. We were only there 15 minuets before they would shut the doors. I was surprised, but Stephen said this was probably due to us attending the first session of the day--10:00 was too early for most, apparently. By the time the doors should have closed, the chapel was maybe half full, but they continued to let couples in right up until the program started. Only then did the meetinghouse seem full. Mormon-Standard-Time affects all at any age. 

The meeting itself was beautiful. I loved the inspired messages, and it helps to strengthen my testimony of the temple and the importance of the work. There was a talk about babies that made me cry. Really though, so many things can trigger my waterworks lately. Yesterday, it was a Cheerios commercial. A few days ago, it was a YouTube video of a couple with infertility treatment finding out they were pregnant. Stephen recommended I just avoid watching things about babies, and while that seems like the easy answer, I still do it. I also had a melt down last week about emergency preparedness and the world ending and what if the apocalypse happened while I went into labor oh my goodness. Rational fears, people.

After the meeting, we continued to celebrate Stephens birthday by not doing anything. I took my nap while Stephen enjoyed not doing homework. But that evening, I made him ramen taco salad. I had never heard of such a thing, but I got the recipe from his mom and went to work. Stephen had asked for the salad the day before while we were at the store, which reminds me of another story. So, side track, here we come!

Saturday morning, Stephen was working on homework while I was sitting in the living room with him. He then mentioned that french toast sounded good, and my contentment with any other food choice went out the window. Blame on pregnancy or on the fact that my husband can make really good suggestions, but I needed french toast, though I didn't have the ingredient for it. I debated within myself long enough, and then suggested to Stephen we go out to eat breakfast at a place that served endless french toast. He and I debated together for a while and then decided to go. We go to the restaurant, stood in line for a few minuets, and ordered only to be told it was too late in the day for the endless french toast. We were sad. I was on the verge of another crying meltdown. We debated in the car for another ten minutes and decided to go to the store and get what we needed for french toast. We got the bread and eggs, as well as the ramen taco salad ingredients, and went home and made french toast. It was a long, needless journey which could have been avoided had Stephen said pancakes sounded good. Regardless, we ate french toast, and there was much rejoicing.

Side track back to his birthday. Ramen taco salad for dinner, and grasshopper pie for dessert. We had phone calls from both sides of the family, and I took pictures of Stephen in front of his birthday sign. I came up with an excuse for him to go to the store Saturday afternoon during the football game and put his name on the wall while he was gone. However, he was quicker than I was, and he became suspicious when I locked him out and would only open the door a crack to talk to him while he stood at the doorstep with grocery bags in his arms. I never was good at surprises. He thought it was cute, right, Honey?

Stephen birthday was also my 20 week mark for my pregnancy, making me officially half way done, except the way they count weeks is kind of ridiculous and my due date is an arbitrary number that the baby doesn't respect. But, it did put me at the right point to find out the gender of our baby. I had scheduled the appointment for a time when Stephen could be there too, and we went the Monday after his birthday. I was a nervous wreck that morning. It's comical how scattered and stressed I can be, flying around the house, talking out loud to no one in particular, while Stephen calmly waits for me and then walks out the door with me, listening patiently to my rambles, opening doors for my distracted self, and drives off. I'm so grateful for his stability. I was chugging water, needing to have 36 ounces a half hour before the appointment. I used the restroom three times within minutes after the ultrasound just to get rid of everything.

We arrived at the birthing center and went into a different room than I had been in before. The ultrasound guy was ready for us, and soon enough, he was rubbing a cool wand on my belly. It didn't take long for the profile to appear. I was holding Stephen's hand through it all, and we squeezed each other's palm, excited. The baby's hand quickly raised to it's face and began sucking it's thumb. The technician snapped a photo, and it has become my favorite picture of my baby so far. He checked to make sure baby was developing normal and that the growth was on track. Finally, he went to the legs, and poked and prodded my belly enough to wake baby up and get baby to open their legs. The baby woke up, and got a good shot of the gender, then typed on the screen "g.i.r.l.". My first reaction was to declare "I knew it!" This made the technician and Stephen laugh, and then the reality sunk in. A girl. Not only am I having a baby, I'm having a daughter. Dresses and ruffles and pink and bows and barbie dolls and prom dresses and wedding and oh no she's growing up too fast. I was excited and giddy more than emotional (just keeping you all on your toes--you can't predict what will or wont make me cry). 

We went to the normal appointment and check up and the whole time, I was just focused on the fact that she was a girl. I'm sure my midwife said some great things, though. We left and in the car, I called my mom first. I had been getting texts through my appointment from both parents, but called my mom during her lunch break. She was very excited, as was my dad when I called him only a minute later. We picked up a few things from the store and called Stephen's mom and dad on our way home, letting them know they were getting another granddaughter. We got some Panda Express on our way home to celebrate, and I sent emails out to my sisters on their missions (and forgot to send it to Nicholas, my brother-in-law. Oops. Someone else told him though, so we're good.). Back at home, I began working on the announcement, as well as getting ready for a gender reveal party for some friends and family in the area. I made cupcakes with pink frosting on the inside. It was a fun way to tell my friends. After the party, I put a picture online on Facebook to let everyone else know Paige Elizabeth Rollins will be joining our family soon.

People have asked me why we chose the name. For Paige, it was a spiritual experience while in the temple almost a year ago. I felt her presence and was inspired that her name was Paige. I like to say that she picked her name. It was one Stephen and I had talked about, but weren't committed to. After the session, in the Celestial room, I told Stephen about my experience, and since, we've known our first daughter would be named Paige. Elizabeth is my middle name, and Stephen's parents gave their middle names to their first son and daughter, and we wanted to honor and carry on that tradition. So we also knew Elizabeth would be the middle name for our first daughter, and Bruce will be the middle name for our first son. We had already agreed on Paige Elizabeth's name before we were pregnant, as well as the first son's name (that can be a secret for a while still though), so finding out it was a girl meant we got to put her name to use right away. 

I like calling her Paige already, and I like it even more when Stephen calls her Paige. It helps everything to feel more real, like she's already a member of our family. She makes her presence known by kicking and punching my belly,and she's a night owl already. She's most active around 9 at night. I also noticed once when I think she had hiccups. It was adorable. My placenta is in the front of my stomach, which makes it hard for others to feel her, so Stephen's got to wait while she gets stronger. Besides the discomfort of Paige wanting to grow larger than my body is use to, I've been feeling a lot better. The vomiting is now a rare occurrence, which is probably the biggest blessing right now. I'm always tired, but not nearly as bad as I was during the first trimester. I'll get some lower back pain, and I'm looking into getting a maternity/baby carrying wrap to help hold everything where it needs to be. But really, I'm doing so much better. Thank you to all the concerned people who want to make sure I'm alright.

Before I end this post, I want to mention General Conference. Susan's investigator compared it to the Superbowl for Mormons, and I feel like that's accurate. I love getting the uplifting messages about the gospel and learning from great teachers and leaders. For me, I felt the overall theme seemed to be standing for what's right and making sure we're more concerned with our relationship with God than our relationship with others. It clicked with me that my beliefs are not just for me to use as a moral compass, but rather, God's laws and natural principles of what is right and wrong should be and are the moral standard for all. It makes me feel the need to be more bold in my beliefs and recognize while others have their own agency, I can't condone actions that are contrary to what is right or wrong. It also encourages me to look at my own actions and see what I might be justifying or rationalizing away. 

For the Sunday session of Conference, Stephen and I took my brother-in-law Matthew with us to visit Stephen's grandparents and my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, Heidi and Scott, as well as their new baby, Elise. She's three months old, and Stephen and I hadn't met her yet. I got to play with her a lot, though she slept far more than I wanted her to. But her naps helped her to be a happy baby, and that was much more fun than the grumpy tired baby who needed to be put to bed. She's going to be about seven months older than our daughter, and I hope Elise and Paige grow up to be good cousins and friends. It was humbling to watch Heidi and Scott be parents and realize that it would be Stephen and me in their shoes for next Conference, trying to quiet down our 2-month old.

This is really happening, people. Maybe if I say it enough times, I'll believe it. I'm so excited and so terrified. There are a lot of unknowns, and I want to do so much more research and learning than I have. I hope I can be as good as a mother that everyone tells me I'm going to be. Some days, I feel like I've totally got this, and I'm not intimidated by a baby. Other days, I realize there's going to be a point when my mom goes back home and Stephen goes back to work and I'm going to be left alone with this child that I'm suppose to take care of by myself. I'm going to have to have a talk with her and let her know that this is going to be new for all of us, and that we need to be patient with each other in order to make this parent-child, and mother-daughter, relationship work. Hopefully, she's be cooperative to this. And hopefully God will give all the needed assistance and more to help me raise one of his precious daughters. Ok, that line just got me crying. Whew. I love Paige so much already, and I'm grateful to share this journey with Stephen and with the support and love from friends and family like you. If I could send a message to Paige right now, it would be to let her know that she is so, so loved. 

Eventful Month

So much has happened since my last post. It seems like anytime I think I can write a summery, something new comes up. I apologize if this post is all over the place. In the past month, I had a prenatal checkup, celebrated my anniversary, visited St. George twice, attended my Grandpa's funeral, hosted a Relief Society activity, sent my husband back to school for his final semester, supported Stephen as he accepted a full-time job offer for next year, and payed off our car loan. So let's go in that order.

I love going to my prenatal checkups. The best part by far is hearing the heartbeat. Last time, the baby was super wiggly; it was hard for my midwife to pinpoint the heart long enough to get a good reading because the baby was moving so much. The heartbeat was between 130 and 140, which by wives tales means it's a boy, which was opposite of the 150 bpm that meant girl at my 12 week appointment. My midwife told me that was normal and that there's always just a 50/50 chance for each gender. If I had to guess, I think it's a girl, but if it's a boy, I will humbly be wrong and be very excited. So if my future first child ever reads this, please know I am thrilled that you are either a girl or a boy. We'll find out the gender on the 22nd. Stephen's going to come with me to the appointment, so that will be nice for me to have him and good for him to be a part of the process. I've started to feel the baby move some. I notice it the most when I sneeze. It loves to punch/kick me in response to startling it. There are also times where it is super wiggly, just like at the appointment, though now I can feel it. It's surreal. 

Stephen and I officially hit our one-year mark a few weeks ago. We spent the weekend celebrating together by turning off our computers and the TV and just being together. He brought me chocolate, flowers, and Cafe Rio and I couldn't be a happier wife for it.We wandered around the mall together and went out for dinner. It was so good to spend the time together without any distractions and just have fun. It was a simple anniversary, but a god one.

For Labor Day Weekend, we decided it was a good opportunity to visit my family in St. George. We hadn't been there since Thanksgiving. It was a fun visit. It was just before Stephen started school, so it was good timing for us. I loved spending time with my mom. I hadn't seen her since being pregnant, and it was nice to show off my little baby bump to her. She helped me alter some clothing so I can continue to wear them as I grow. We played games with my siblings and went on a double date with my parents. I also got to spend time with my second mom, Janice, who gave me a heavenly massage. Janice was a professional masseuse and still does some work out of her home. She was my youth group leader in my church all while growing up. The other girls my age and I have become her children, and as we are having my children, she gets to boast 20-something grandchildren.

The second time we visited St. George was more somber. My grandpa past away. He had been in poor health for a while, so the family knew the end was near. Stephen and I went to visit him and my Grandma this Summer to say our goodbyes. I'm grateful for that closure. It was also good to visit for the funeral. It was a very emotional experience for most. I'm sure my pregnancy hormones didn't help me any as I cried a lot that day. Stephen was very supportive of me and was always by my side, making sure I was alright and had enough tissues. This was my first experience with someone close to me dying. It helped me to understand the Plan of Salvation better. I think that's the only reason I can feel less sad about the whole experience, not even for my own sake of seeing him again, but knowing he and my Grandma will be together forever. 

So for my calling for church, I helped to organize a opening activity for this semester and had a get-to-know-you night. Everyone seemed to really enjoy it. We played a few games and had refreshments, so it was a simple activity to plan on my end. We played "Switch Sides If" and had the sisters cross the line if a statement applied to them. I like that it involved everyone without being overwhelming. We then broke off into smaller groups and played games like "Never Have I Ever", "Two Truths and a Lie", and the Skittle Game, though I used life savers so they wouldn't melt all over people's hands. It gave the sisters the chance to talk and get to know each other. I hope that it helps with friendships overall. I had hoped for a better turn out, but we did have 21 people come, so that wasn't a bad turn out by any means. I'm hopeful to do more activities and have more emphasis placed on them to help encourage attendance. Activities are only fun if people actually come to them. 

The activity was fitting to do at the beginning of the semester, which leads me to Stephen going back to class. He's taking 17 credits of programming courses in order to graduate in December. So far, he's managed to stay ahead in all of his classes. I'm hopeful he can keep that up for the next four months. He's also doing some grading work for one of his classes, so that's another time commitment on top of his schooling. Having him so busy makes me grateful for Sundays. He's had a personal commitment to not do homework on Sundays, so not only is it the Lord's day, it's also my day to spend with him. I'm grateful he's working so hard now so he can graduate soon and move on to working full time to support us and our growing family. He'll be able to take paternity leave much easier from his job than he would from classes. 

Stephen has officially accepted the job offer at LucidSoftware, the place where he's been interning for the past year. It's a great company and Stephen loves working there. The environment is great and there's plenty of benefits beyond that to make this job the right path for us. The office will be located in South Jordan, meaning we'll be moving near there in December. I'm looking forward to the move in order to have more space and have a nursery for our new family member. I'm already looking for a place where I can raise my child, and the day dreaming involved in that is a guilty pleasure of mine. I hope it will all fall into place as nicely as the rest of our lives have so far. 

As a final note, Stephen and I were able to pay off our car loan this week. It's a really good feeling to have that weight removed. We were able to turn our five-year loan into a one-year loan. It took a lot of sacrifice, but I know we are and will be blessed for living within our means and striving to be debt free. I'm grateful for a husband who is smart with money and who has the same goals I do for our family. And on top of all he does for me, he's pretty dang cute too. It's been a really good year with him, and an eventful month, but I know life is only going to get better from here. 

Year One's Life Lessons

In honor of our anniversary, I wanted to write a list of the things I learned in my first year of marriage. 

1. Marriage isn't hard. Shocker, right? Maybe you're thinking "just wait" or "you're sugar-coating marriage". I'm honest when I say marriage isn't hard, contrary to popular belief or advice. What is hard is hurting the feelings of someone you love, or communicating emotions and ideas to someone when you don't fully understand them yourself. What's hard is having needs and wants that directly counter your love's needs and wants, or learning the balance between compromising and being too self-sacrificing. Whats hard is feeling misunderstood, confused, or disappointed. 

But these things are not confined to a marriage relationship; they're common struggles between any two people who spend time together. Interacting with others is hard, and there will be few others who you will interact with more than your spouse. This can intensify the hardships of interpersonal relationships purely from quantity. But it has nothing to do with being married--it has everything to do with being unique and different from another person, yet trying to get along with them. In fact, I think marriage makes this easier because both parties are trying to love the other person as best as possible. This combined effort is not always felt in other relationships.

2. Gender is an important aspect in marriage, but it should not be defining to the point of confining. I'm grateful I'm a woman and I'm grateful I married a man. Beyond the biological aspects, I'm grateful for the roles our gender creates in our marriage. In many ways, we are very traditional--my husband comes home from his nine-to-five job and I have dinner ready after being at home for most, if not all the day. He presides in our home, and I look forward to our children and my role as their mother. But it took me a while to break away from the stereotypes in the way I viewed Stephen. There were things I assumed about him because everyone says that's what men are like. I knew when I married him he was special and unique, but I needed to correct myself from making stereotypical assumptions. 

For instance, my husband is very nurturing, enjoys just cuddling, and doesn't mind helping out with chores. There are times where I'm more interested in sports than he is (which is not to say I'm all that interested in sports), or prefer driving faster than he does, or would rather not talk about emotions or how something makes me feel. And that's perfectly fine. I do not fit into the feminine stereotype completely just as much as Stephen doesn't fit into the masculine stereotype completely. That's not to say I'm more than happy to let him kill the spiders, and that he knows I need to cry sometimes just for the sake of crying. We have respect for each other as an individual, separate from our gender, yet fully appreciate the aspects of our gender which help to shape us and our marriage.

3. Marrying Stephen made my dreams come true, but it did not get rid of my problems. There is a lot of bliss in the life of a newlywed. There's the excitement of the new step in life and the potential it holds. Dreaming about my future with Stephen was and is one of my favorite pastimes. I can look back and be grateful the phase in my life of eating ice cream while crying over a chick-flick with my roommates has past. Being single was full of lonely nights and unfulfilled days which no longer plague me. But being single was not my only hardship in life pre-Stephen. Even after getting married, school was hard, my health made things challenging, and my concern over my thin wallet didn't disappear.

I am forever grateful I no longer have to face my challenges alone, but that doesn't mean my challenges are any less challenging. My life is better since being married--don't mistake this--but there are still times when I'm upset about something and need a chick flick and ice cream to cope. While Stephen wishes he could take away all my problems and always make me happy, life isn't conducive to this. And Stephen has struggles too. Many, I can't help him with either, especially when it comes to programming. And while we can't solve each other's problems, we can support and encourage each other. We can cheer each other up in ther ways, and still have times where bliss overcomes reality. It's a fairy tale where our happily ever after is not void of struggles or problems, but it is nonetheless magical.

4. The internet can't tell me how to have a better marriage--only my spouse can. Growing up, I loved lifestyle quizzes. What does my favorite ice cream flavor say about me? Am I more of an introvert or an extrovert? Can I tell how much a boy likes me by what kind of flower he gives me? What should I be when I grow up? I was a sucker for any and all tidbits about my life I could glean from answering a, b, c, or d. But what really knew me the best was me. And what really knows my husband best is my husband. And if I want to make my husband, he's going to have better insight than the internet. 

The top five or ten or fifty tips to have a happy marriage are not bad or evil by any means--they just might be wrong. This correlates with my gender stereotyping. When Pinterest or Facebook held the secret things every husband wanted or needed, I began obsessing and stressing over their advice. It took me long enough to realize that even if the internet said my husband needed this or that, it wasn't always accurate. Thoughts like complementing him, or praying for him, or other nice gestures are good, but maybe my husband isn't feeling the lack of complements, but rather just needs time to mentally transition once he gets home from work. It became a lot easier to meet his needs when I asked him what his needs were rather than some quiz or advice column. 

5. Stephen is the perfect husband--for me. Beyond thinking the world of Stephen, I was impressed before we were married at how perfect he seemed to be. I would ask him if he were real or not, because I knew I couldn't dream up a better man than him. Through our marriage, I've learned he is not always perfect, which is a really good thing. He has flaws and shortcomings just like I do. But somehow, we balance each other and can learn and grow from our flaws together. There are little things he says and does that make me the happiest person in the world, where another girl would not appreciate the same kinds of affections. And that's great for me.

There is no such thing as the perfect man, even though I thought I was marrying him a year ago. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship or a perfect marriage, but there can be excellence, and I have found that with Stephen. He is an excellent man, and we have an excellent relationship and marriage. There's a lot less pressure when we have the understanding that perfection is not achievable, but excellence is. A year ago, I wanted to be the perfect wife and never do anything wrong--that didn't last long. I had to change my perspective on what my real goal was--happiness for both of us. That's helped me be alright with my flaws and be alright with Stephen having flaws (though I still argue he doesn't have many). He and I are not perfect, but we are perfect for each other, and that's what matters.

Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart! One year down, eternity to go!

Improvement and Progression

I told Stephen today that I like blogging when new things happen in my life. This is why I have't posted much lately. I mean, I could write more often and continue to say how sick I feel, but I doubt you all want that much information. But I can write now and say that a new thing has happened--I'm not as sick! I have yet to actually keep all of my food for an entire day, but I'm getting closer to that goal (I haven't thrown up yet today, so keep your fingers crossed (but I also don't want to jinx myself, so pretend I never said that)). I also don't feel as miserable, and that makes a big difference. It's nice to wake up in the morning and not regret it. I've had energy to actually accomplish things. I haven't felt like this since May. It's a wonderful blessing to be in the second trimester. Not everything is magically better overnight, but I have hope, something that has also been missing since the Zofran didn't work.

With my new-found energy, I've been putting a lot of my time into two things lately--sewing and family history. I starting a stocking a few months ago, and while I'm mostly bed-ridden, sewing has been keeping me busy. I've made a lot of progress, and I feel like I'm getting better. I know it's going to be riddled with imperfections, but that's how you know it's homemade. It's been fun for me to dream of Christmas time and filling the stocking with gifts. 

I've also been going through my family history. My dad's dad, my Grandpa Jack, was really into genealogy, and wrote several books about my family history. I've been comparing that information with the information online at familysearch.org, the family history site for the LDS church. Between the two, I've been able to make a lot more connections than either had alone. I feel most of my readers are members of my same faith, but for those who want more clarification, I recommend watching this video and this video. I've really enjoyed feeling like I'm making a difference, even while I've not felt well. I've united couples and families that otherwise no one knew about. It's been a real testimony builder to me.

Stephen's been doing well lately. He's working hard and accomplishing a lot with his programming. Lately, he's been learning to use the Dvorak keyboard in hopes that it will increase his typing speed. He'll be starting school in a few weeks. Oh, and Stephen made a cake all by himself last week (well, I did the frosting, but he did the rest of it). Besides that, he says there's really nothing else to mention. 

Even though I've physically started feeling better, I am far more weepy than I have been. I made the mistake the other day of watching a show with a miscarriage, and sobbed for an hour. Though I also was overly-emotional when Stephen tried to cook me some rice yesterday and ended up overcooking it. And then there was the time I saw a picture of the pioneers and cried over that too. But I think the most emotional I've been was when I heard the heartbeat for the first time. That was such a touching experience, where it made all the sickness and hardship worth it. It helped this pregnancy to feel all the more real.

Wish me luck that the pregnancy continues well, and that I continue to feel better. May the second trimester be good to me (knock on wood).

Over the River and Through the Woods To Grandmother's Cabin We Go

The past two weeks have been eventful, to say the least. The end of June and beginning of July found me sicker than I had been so far. I literally couldn't keep any food or drink down--even water caused an immediate reaction. For four days, I struggled. I missed a lot of work because of this, and my mood swings combined with being hangry were rough. I ended up loosing around 15 pounds in less than two weeks. On the 2nd, I finally was able to see my midwife. She didn't seem to think it was as much of a problem as I though it was, which was relieving and aggravating at the same time. She almost hooked me up to an IV to make sure I was getting enough fluids, but decided to wait and see if it got worse first. I had to talk her into prescribing Zofran for me (she was encouraging me to use pressure points and ginger, but I felt I was beyond that point). She also drew my blood for different tests, and I felt super woozy after that. I threw up twice while at the appointment--at least everyone there was very understanding of that. I went home and started the new medicine. Stephen came home from work early to help take care of me. I finally was able to eat some mashed potatoes that night.

That evening, I got a call from my temp agency about my absences from work. The hard part about my job being through an agency is the lack of communication that happens. I was talking with one boss at work, but someone else apparently contacted the agency without knowing I had asked for time off. However, because of my low attendance, my job was in jeopardy--they were about to replace me with someone else. I explained the situation and how I had gotten new medicine. They said they would check with me the following week to see if the medicine helped. I hung up the phone feeling nervous. The next day at work, my boss repeated the same information--if I didn't get better immediately, I would be replaced. But no pressure. 

For some good news, it was a holiday weekend with Independence Day. Stephen's family has a cabin, so we went there for the weekend. It's nearby Park City, but far enough away that it feels like the middle of nowhere. It was nestled up in the mountains and had a fantastic view out the windows of a valley. That weekend, Stephen's grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins were there too. It was a lot of fun to get to know his extended family better. We got along really well. Stephen's family plays a lot of games when they get together, and that weekend was no exception. We also explored the outdoors by taking a hike to the beaver pond where the kids had a blast. I was able to eat some things, and the medicine did seem to be helping, but it didn't completely get rid of my symptoms. All in all, it was a good weekend.

I went to work on Monday wondering if I was going to be fired or not. My boss asked me how I was feeling, and I told her I was better but not completely better. She then went off for ten minutes about menopause, and then left. I guess that means I'm not fired? Though this whole ordeal has me thinking about my job and if I want to stay here or not. That's still up in the air right now, so we'll have to see.

This past week, Nicholas, my brother-in-law, went to the MTC to prepare for his mission to Paris, France. Stephen and I went out to dinner with his family Tuesday night since they were in town, and then on Wednesday, we all said our goodbyes to him. It will be hard to not have him around for the next two years, but I know that his sacrifice is worth it if it helps others come to Christ. He will be a great missionary. After the family dropped him off at the MTC, we all went up to the cabin again for a few more days. It was fun to be at the cabin with his immediate family this time, as well as some extended family. We played more games, but I had to rest a lot more because I wasn't feeling too well. I got a priesthood blessing from my husband, brother-in-law, father-in-law, and grandpa-in-law, so that was really special. It helped me feel a lot better on Friday.

Saturday, however, I woke up feeling very sick again. It's hard to be on the medicine which everyone claims as a saving grace but not have it help much. We came home from the cabin and I slept most of the afternoon. Sunday, I wasn't much better, but Stephen's Mission President had his homecoming sermon, so we went to that. It was like a mission reunion for Stephen, and he had a great time reminiscing with other elders and sisters from the mission. There was a luncheon afterward that had the most incredible sandwiches I had ever had (okay, not really, but I was able to eat them, so that's incredible). I was really grateful we were able to attend, but when I got home, I feel asleep again for most of the day. This pregnancy is really taking a toll on me physically and mentally. I'm ten weeks, so there's hope that I'll feel better soon, so cross your fingers for that. Besides being sick all the time, Stephen and I are having a great time in life. 

Crazy Pregnant Lady Alert

Finally, the word is out, so I can write an honest blog post without worry!

I'm pregnant!!!

I guess I should give a fair warning--this blog will probably contain a lot more info about baby from here on out (and a lot of gross pregnancy details). But somehow, I don't think most of my readers will mind. I couldn't be more happy to be growing our little family. Stephen has been more than wonderful too, and we're both just very excited for this new step in our lives.

I am eight weeks along today, which means baby is the size of a gummy bear. Still, he/she seems to take up more room than just a gummy bear. I'm trying to convince Stephen there are three people in the bed now and I should get two-thirds of the space. He holds up his fingers to the size of a gummy bear and slides over that much. Thanks, sweetheart.

And the morning sickness--that is the biggest misnomer. If I'm awake, chances are I'm feeling sick. I've been trying a lot of different remedies, and some work sometimes, but then not again later. I'm really taking a blow from it though. I vomit daily, sometimes several times a day. I've taken off a lot of time from work lately--going to work when I'm sick is like the last thing I want to do. I'm not sure I can emphasize that enough, so I'm not even going to try. Just know that most days, laying on the couch or in bed doing nothing sounds ideal. But my midwife reminded me that the baby will be so cute when he/she is born, which makes the sickness worth it.

That's another thing--I'm going with a midwife rather than an OB/GYN. I have a lot of reasons for this, and I've done a lot of research, so just trust me. I might write a post about it someday, but today is not that day. But Stephen and I toured the birthing center a few weeks ago and felt good about it, so we're going forward with that plan. I'll have my first visit in a few weeks, and hopefully we'll hear the heartbeat. That will help me confirm I'm pregnant, as if the missed cycle, positive test, and relentless symptoms haven't done that already. 

I'm always tired. My clothes don't fit right. My face has broken out in acne like a pubescent teenager. The stretch marks have begun, along with a really awful looking (but harmless) rash that apparently affects 1% of pregnant women (lucky me!). Food is the enemy. I don't have cravings so much so as nothing sounds remotely edible except one or two foods which change hourly. Even thinking of certain foods can make me gag. Sharp cheddar cheese and I are friends though, and there have been times where that is all I can manage to eat. I am swearing off lettuce and beans for the rest of my pregnancy, if not life. Stephen has already made several runs to restaurants or the grocery store to satisfy my picky stomach. He's a champ.

Another reason Stephen is a champ: my mood swings. I cry for no reason besides hormones. The other day, I had a meltdown sobbing fit because I loved my husband. He held me and gave me tissues and laughed and thought it was cute. At least I haven't had meltdowns because I'm angry or upset. I think the hardest part of this pregnancy on Stephen is his inability to take away my struggles. He tries. He's been taking care of most of the chores while I've been moaning on the couch, and he brings me cheese slices when that's all I can eat while moaning on the couch. He will give me back rubs at a moment notice and reminds me I'm beautiful when I look in the mirror at my changing body. Alright, I better stop raving about him or I'll start crying again.

To sum up, I'm already a crazy pregnant lady. Eight weeks down, 32ish to go.

Families Can Be Together Forever

Stephen and I took a trip last weekend down to Arizona to visit my grandparents. My family also went with us, except my dad, to visit with them and us. We drove down with Tom on Friday, taking turns for the 6-hour drive to Page. We got there late, but everyone was still awake, so I got to say hi to my Grandpa. He isn't doing well health-wise, so I was really happy we visited them. He's got a sweet setup in his bedroom, and I kept telling him how spoiled he was with a hospital bed, room service, and a summer scheduled full of visitors. On Sunday, I had a chance to sit with him for a few minutes by ourselves. He told me how much he loved my Grandma, and if I stay true, I can have a marriage like theirs, which has always been my goal. When he refers to my grandma as "sweetheart" or "cute gal" it makes my heart melt. I asked him why he married her, and he said, "because I fell in love with her." It was very touching.

It was also great to spend time with my family, especially my mom and sisters. I stayed up late talking with my mom, and it was nice to have uninterrupted time with her to just chat. I also did my sisters' hair one morning, and that was fun for me. I cut off 12 inches of my hair the Thursday before going down and didn't tell anyone so I could surprise my mom. She was very surprised when she saw me getting out of the car, but I've gotten nothing but complements for it. I like it short like this, but it was fun to do hairstyles on my sisters because their hair is almost as long as mine was.

I also had fun playing games with my family. We played Bang, Mancala, Koi Koi, and the Great Dalmuti. Tom taught Stephen how to play Axis and Allies. I like games that are based on luck, and Stephen likes games that are based on skill, so we have to take turns playing different kinds of games. That's called compromise, children, and that's how you know we love each other. Because if I didn't love him, I would not play nearly as many games as I do.

Overall, it was a great trip. Short, but very nice and needed. We came home Sunday, and then early Monday morning, Stephen left for a work retreat to Stanley, Idaho, where he went kayaking and rafting. He also got a pretty good sunburn on his nose. It's cute. I haven't called him Rudolf though, because again, I love him. I'm just glad he's home now. We're still newly-wed enough to miss each other if we're not together, especially overnight.

This past week was the first time I worked five days in a row. I started on a Tuesday, and the next week was Memorial day, so this past week, while my third week of work, was the first full 40-hour week. I have gained a new appreciation for the weekend. Stephen and I went on a date Friday night to see The Fault in Our Stars, a movie based on one of my favorite books by a great author. Going in to the theater, I knew I would cry, and any trace of mascara was gone by the end of the film. Stephen even cried too, so you know it's not just me.

Yesterday, we went to the temple at the same time Stephen's brother was going through the temple for the first time. We weren't able to travel up to Idaho to attend the same session with him and the rest of the family, but it was neat to think we were sitting in the Celestial room at the same time--this was symbolic of us being in heaven with them, even if we were in a different room. I thought it was a cute idea, anyway. I love attending the temple. It is the best way for me to feel peace and hope.

Well, I think I'm going to end this post here. We're loving life and enjoying new experiences together. It's hard to believe it has been nine and a half months since we were married--it seems like a lot, and also like so little. Good thing we have eternity to go!

Work Hard, Party Harder

Hello, world! I am long overdue for an update, so let's get started.

My brother-in-law Matthew came home from his mission in Japan. I had never met him before, but had heard a lot about him. Mostly that he was sarcastic, witty, and exceptionally good at board games. He did not disappoint. Stephen and I went to Idaho two weeks ago (has it really been that long?) for a Rollins Reunion because of Matthew's homecoming. Have I ever mentioned how much I love my in-laws? It's so great to spend time with them, and having half a week to hang out, play games, cook food, and talk was great. We all went to McCall, Idaho, and stayed in a cabin for a few days. It was such a nice cabin, and we had a lot of fun roasting marshmallow, soaking in the hot tub, playing pool and foosball, watching movies, and playing a lot of games. We also went to the lake, and watching my one-year-old brother-in-law, Jacob, playing in the water was adorable--I've never seen him more happy and excited.

We also took family photos while everyone was together. For some reason, I was put in charge of the outfits and color coordinating. We went with a navy, green, and tan scheme, and I've yet to see how they all turned out, but the ones I have seen look great. It's things like family photos that remind me how, even though I'm a transplant, I belong in Stephen's family, just like he belongs in mine. There was also a lot of extended family, and I met more cousins and relatives. They all were so friendly and welcoming. It was a great vacation.

When I got back, I was not so excited to continue my job hunt. I had an interview scheduled for Monday, but I was doubtful I would get the job after so many rejections. I still went, though I have to be honest--my heart wasn't in it at the beginning. Then, my interviewer starting talking logistics, and I realized that she was seriously considering me. I put in more effort, and it seemed as much as I wanted to be hired, she wanted the position filled. She offered me the job on the spot. I took care of all the legalities that afternoon and began my first day last Tuesday. I work at CSB Nutrition as the Document Control. Basically, I handle all the emails and paperwork between the clients and the vendors for this nutritional supplement manufacturer. It takes a lot of organization, research, and formal writing, which makes this job great for me. There's a learning curve for sure, but I feel good at my job and come home feeling accomplished that I made clients and coworkers happy. 

I'm in charge of a Relief Society Activity tonight where I'm going to teach the sisters about cooking and all of my food knowledge. I'm a little intimidated, but also excited. I've had a lot of interest, so it will be fun to get the information out. I hope it goes well. Ask me about it and I'll let you know.

Stephen is doing well. He's working full-time too. We have a similar schedule, which really helps. It's also the best thing ever to have evenings free of homework for the both of us. We play games, watch movies, go for walks or bike rides, clean, and read. Stephen has been reading a book to me out loud, and that has been special to me--it reminds me of my childhood and how my mom and teachers use to read to me. We still have our ups and downs like any honest marriage, but we love each other through everything. We try to one-up each other on saying cute things. I'm winning as of this morning with, "If forever ends, I will still love you." Awww, right?! Yeah, we're THAT couple.

Speaking of Stephen, he's coming home soon, and we need to eat before the activity tonight, so while this is short, it will have to do for now. To sum up, we're doing great, having a lot of fun, working hard, and playing harder.

Seven Things I've Done Lately

1. I went to California. It was an amazing experience. We toured Fox Studios, spent a day at Universal Studios, and walked on the beach while temperatures in Provo were near freezing. I had a lot of fun with my friends, realized how worldly Hollywood is, and cringed several times at the driving conditions. It was a great way to finish off my college experience.

2. I took my final finals. Finals week was short for me; I had everything done by day two. I didn't do as well as I hoped in some classes, but managed to get several B's in my last semester, which is pretty alright for me. Stephen did well in his classes too, and though he got better grades than I did, he was less satisfied with them than I was with mine. I married an overachiever and I am ok with that.

3. I graduated! My parents and my family-in-law came to support me. I spent more time curling my hair than I spent graduating. Pres. Uchtdorf spoke, and that was cool. It all kind of felt surreal--I still don't think it has hit me yet. It all kind of feels like an eternal weekend, and I'm just waiting for more homework or another exam to study for. But at the same time, each day when I realize I don't have school, I'm relieved and excited to spend my time doing other things besides assignments.

4. I am still job hunting. I need a job. Like, really badly. I've been job hunting quite actively for like, two months now. I've lost track of how many jobs I've applied to and how many interviews I've had. But I know the number of job offers I've received: 0. I did have a temp job for three days this past week at a flower warehouse making arrangements for Mother's Day, but that really doesn't count as employment. I feel like the reason I'm not being hired is due to competition and my lack of experience. I have a college degree, but that doesn't matter nearly as much as experience. I feel deceived by those who told me there were many jobs that wanted someone with a college degree, regardless of what the degree is in. Employers want someone with experience, which I don't have due to the past few years being spent in college. I've been hopeful several times to then have things not work out. I'm about desperate enough to go apply at local grocery stores for graveyard shifts in order to have something. I would rather have a reputable job in an office setting, but ultimately, with Stephen planning on only doing school in the Fall, we need to save up money now, and I need to have a good job to help support us during his last semester.

5. I went to Women's Conference with my in-laws. It was so great to spend time with my "other" mother, sister, grandmother, aunts, and cousins. I also loved the classes and speeches given by amazing men and women, and really felt God's love for me and for the women around me. I sewed during the classes too, and that was really fun. I'm enjoying sewing and I feel really proud of my work, even if I still have a lot of room for improvement. Mostly, I was glad for the time with my family and the break from worrying about life. It is so great having so much girl-time. Stephen is extremely supportive of my need of girl-time, though it may or may not be because it gives him a relief from my need to talk.

6. I am in love with Stephen. We've been married for over eight months now, which is pretty awesome, but we still have so much to learn about each other. He and I are both learning that we think, feel, and act differently than each other. But he is so supportive of me, and he knows to bring the tissue box when he comes to comfort me when I have emotional breakdowns. And I know he never has emotional breakdowns like I do, so we keep the tissues on my side of the bed. Actually, I think there are two boxes by my bed, and a third one by the couch. I apologize to Stephen for being so hormonal and female, but he assures me he's glad I'm female, so he doesn't complain.

7. I haven't been blogging. Sorry! Sometimes, I'm too busy living life to write about it. And sometimes, life doesn't work out like I want it to, so I don't want to write about it. But I'm learning to have faith that God knows my needs and desires and will take care of me. He always has, so why would now be any different? Though I wouldn't mind your prayers on my behalf. Hopefully, my next post will be all about my new job and how much I love it. Until then, I'll keep refreshing the job postings.