Adjusting to Parenthood

How do I begin to describe how our lives are changed forever? Where do I start when recapping this new world of parenthood? Do I go chronologically and point out how much she and we have changed within the few weeks of her being here? Do I clump certain topics together, like how some nights, she'll sleep so well, and other nights, she thinks it's play time? Do I clump together the funny moments like when she isn't done filling her diaper while we are in the process of changing it, or all the hilarious faces she makes without realizing it? Can I even convey in words the amount of love I feel for Paige, and the new measure of love I feel for Stephen? Can I properly share all the good without also sharing all the hardships? Can I, or even should I, share all of these personal experiences with the internet, or is Mary's example of pondering them in her heart appropriate?

Well, internet, she's here. Paige is now alive and well and showing off her strong body to the rest of the world. I keep wanting to point at it and say, "see! I told you she was strong! I told you she moved a lot! I told you she liked Stephen and music!" It's so fun to see this baby that I've been bonding with for so long already. It feels surreal a lot of the time. Ever since she was born, I've been trying to tell myself that this is MY baby, and not just one I'm babysitting for. There's a lot of back and forth on whether or not she looks more like me or more like Stephen. I can pick out the resemblance to Stephen every now and then, but for the most part, I think she looks like Paige.

In a lot of ways, she's a very typical baby. She cries, eats, fills her diaper, sleeps (kind of), and wants to be held, rocked, bounced, and just generally moved around. She also seems to do things I didn't think a newborn would do, like hold her head up to look around, stretch out her legs like a ski jumper, and move herself around during tummy time. But overall, I find all of the basic things Paige does entertaining, whether or not it's specific to her. She makes adorable noises like mewing, along with less adorable noises, like grunting. Paige makes silly faces, and I can't help but laugh every time she goes cross-eyed, even during late night feedings when I'm tired. I'm having a lot of fun playing with her, especially making her dance.

For the first few days, my mom was here to help, and that was such a blessing. She came in the first day while we were resting and just let us rest more while she cleaned and made dinner. Basically from Thursday to Tuesday, she made sure the house kept running by cleaning and cooking. She was also a huge help at night when I was still recovering and needed sleep. I could feed Paige and then give her to my mom who kept her for hours until the next feeding. We all had a rough few days to start with figuring out sleeping, Paige especially, but having my mom be part of the rotation made things a lot easier for Stephen and me. It was sad when my mom had to go back home, but I'm still grateful for all that she did.

Stephen had two weeks of paternity leave from work, and it was really nice to have his help too. He's gotten really good at using his computer one-handed while holding Paige on his chest with his other arm. Most of my pictures of the two of them together are in that position. She really likes sleeping on him while he plays games or watches videos. Sometimes, she watches his screen with him, and it's pretty cute. Stephen has not shied away from his responsibilities as a dad. We promised each other we wouldn't keep score, but I think he's changed more of the diapers (though I've been spat on more, so it balances out). He's quick to act if she or I need anything, and it's a lot of fun for me to see him in this role. I always knew he would be a good dad. 

As for me, it's been an adjustment and an adventure. Recovery wise, I felt really good for the first week, and then suddenly a lot worse the second week. Apparently that's relatively normal, though don't ask me to explain how. I keep waiting for my body to feel normal again, and my midwives tell me that yes, I will feel normal again at some point, but it's probably a few weeks out still until I'm completely recovered. It's calmed down to a dull ache, though, so that's good. On a happy note, I was shocked to see my weight on the scale has returned to what it was pre-pregnancy already. I wasn't expecting that at all, seeing how there's a lot of emphasis on loosing the baby weight for moms. 

The hardest part for me has been nursing, though I don't want to go too much into detail here. I can handle the lack of sleep just fine, but nursing has been the adjustment. To the women who have experienced this before, I'm sorry and I empathize with you. To the women who haven't yet experienced it but may at some point, I have no advice to offer you. To the men who will never have to experience nursing a baby, I envy you and pity you. Yes, nursing has been the hardest part, but it is also so emotionally rewarding. It hurts--it really hurt me until I got use to it, though it still starts with thirty seconds of pain. But it's also really sweet and precious. 

I was worried about how much she was getting at the beginning, so I fed her as frequently as she asked for it for apparently a lot longer than I needed to. At her two week check up, the pediatrician was surprised that she weighed a pound more than her birth weight and assured me she was getting plenty. He's told me to scale back, and even though it's only been a day, it's a lot easier on me to not have to spend a half hour every hour feeding her. She's still adjusting to having to wait at least a full sixty minutes between eating some hours, but it's getting easier with each hour. 

Because of her frequent eating, some nights, she wants to eat and play for hours rather than sleep. Other nights, she gets her fill and recognizes she is content, then will sleep for four hours or so. Those are the good nights. I never know what kind of night each evening will be, so I have to mentally brace myself for anything. She also is inconsistent on when she falls asleep for the evening, but she's pretty consistent about sleeping in each morning, so that's been good for me. She's not much of a morning person and would rather spend it in bed, which is a trait she get's from me.

I am very much enamored by her, but it's also been hard. I don't feel like it would be fair to everyone reading this if I sugar coated it and said she makes me nothing but happy all day and night long, every day. But it also wouldn't be fair to complain if I didn't also make it clear that she is so worth every hardship. There really have been several times where I've started crying because I love her so much. There have been tears of desperation too. I sometimes wonder if the two weeks after her birth were harder than the labor and delivery to get her here.

I have to give her the benefit of the situation though. Adjusting to life must be hard, too. She's done a really good job, and I try to tell her that often. She will be cooperative and patient for me a lot of the time. She's strong willed, but she's also sweet and tender. Sometimes, when I know we both are just desperate for sleep, I'll take her into bed with me and lay her on my chest and let her sleep while I'm semi-propped up (I don't move much in my sleep). She'll caress me gently as she drifts to sleep and give a little mew or sigh, and I just want to capture the moment forever. 

She's already growing up so much, but I'm trying to soak in every moment of her being so small. I'm looking forward to other stages in her life, but I don't wish away this stage for a second. I don't want to look back with any regrets, and I'm doing the best I can. Stephen has been such a strength for me, and he does such a good job too, though he definitely enjoys long sleep stretches when he can. Paige is healthy and happy (for the most part). As long as all her needs are met, she's content to just be and look adorable doing it. She is a blessing to our family.

Labor and Delivery

To say I was looking forward to my labor and delivery would be an understatement, in case that never came across. I had a lot of feelings on the matter, specifically with having a natural birth at a birthing center with midwives rather than the norm today of epidurals in a hospital with an OB/GYN. I've written a post about that already, so I won't go into much detail there, but I will say, with as much as I was wanting this alternative birth, there were definitely days where I worried and wondered what it would be like. 

I knew the average length of labor for a first time mom was about 18 hours, and I knew I am a wimp when it comes to pain generally. I had researched a lot of different positions for enduring contractions and had listened to a hypnobirthing recording several times in order to help me relax. I knew I would have a doula at my birth, which is basically a birthing coach who is not medically trained but there just for support, so I was looking forward to her help. I also knew my midwives were competent and would help me in any situation. Basically, I had set myself up as best as possible for the kind of birth I wanted, but regardless, the anticipation of the unknown was daunting. 

The last blog post talks a lot about my waiting for labor to start, and to be honest, I hoped writing it would jinx me into going into labor quicker. I guess Heavenly Father wanted me to recognize those feelings I had and write them down and share them, because it was that night that Paige was born. On the 11th, Stephen and I were eating dinner and watching American Idol around 7:30. It was then that I started to feel uncomfortable. Not that I was unfamiliar with discomfort at that point. I went and laid down and listened to my hypnobirthing recording again, thinking that this was either good practice or time to make the recording useful. 

Spoiler alert: it wasn't all that useful, but it also wasn't just practicing either.

The discomfort started to ebb and flow in intensity. Stephen came into the bedroom around 9:30 and started helping me. I found that I was best able to endure what I would now consider pain by being on my hands and knees on the bed and having him put pressure on my hips. I warned him that if his hands and arms weren't exhausted by the end of labor, he was slacking off. Stephen was a champ and was very attentive through the entire ordeal. He and I tried to distract myself by listening to music and Bill Cosby sketches. He also read scriptures to me. 

I had downloaded an app on my phone to help me time contractions, and I decided that the best way to tell if this was legitimate labor or not was to start tracking my pain. I can't really say there was much down time between the contractions, because the pain was always there, just more or less. This made it really difficult to try and time anything. I knew I was suppose to call my midwives when I was having one-minute-long contractions five minutes apart for at least an hour. My app was useless because I was so consumed with the pain, I had such a hard time tapping the start and stop. I then made it Stephen's job to keep track of how long I was moaning for. 

According to Stephen's count, my contractions were lasting around two minutes and were about three minutes apart. I decided to shower to make sure it was real labor. I knew that real labor lasted through a shower while false labor normally went away. The water was a good substitute for the counter pressure, but didn't get rid of the contractions. Once I was out of the shower, at 11:30, Stephen and I decided it was time to call the midwives. Mimi, one of my favorite student midwives, answered the phone. I remember saying, "Hi Mimi, it's Jane and I think I'm in labor." I then had another contractions and Mimi talked me through it. She then asked how far away I was from the birthing center. I told her I had a half hour drive. She then told me to meet her at the birthing center in an hour. I remember wondering why in the world she would make me wait an extra half hour. I soon learned this--while it took us a half hour to get from Draper to Orem, it would also take us a half hour to get from the bedroom to the car.

This is another point in the night where Stephen was a champion. It was his job to load up the car with our things as well as put counter pressure on my back during the contractions. He bounced back and forth between the two tasks well. There was one specific contraction, though, where he was taking too long, so I started yelling/screaming for him. I heard suitcases drop in the hallway as he dashed to my aid. I worried I was making him panic during this time, but he later said he was just focused and trying to hurry.

We eventually got in the car and started our drive. I called my parents and my in-laws in between contractions to let them know we were on our way. For the past few weeks, whenever I would call them, I started with "Hi, I'm not in labor" to allow the parents to stop holding their breath. It was nice to finally call with the news they wanted, even if it was midnight. Stephen texted the moms updates through the night to keep them informed.

The drive to Orem was the worst part of my labor next to pushing. I didn't have Stephen to help with counter pressure since he was driving. He held my hand when he could, but still, enduring the contractions without any help while trying to sit in my seat was not fun. I tried to use the radio to time my contractions, but spent most of each song feeling the pain.

There was a comedic point where we were close to the birthing center when a cop car pulled out behind us and started following us. His lights were off and Stephen was driving lawfully (though looking back, I'm not sure why I didn't make him speed) so we knew we were safe, but I thought to myself, "if this guy pulls us over, I'm so pulling the I'm-in-labor card and making him escort us the rest of the way." Unfortunately for all of us, that didn't happen.

We pulled into the parking lot just as I was having another contraction. Sarah, a student midwife that I met that night who turned out to be amazing, came out to help me inside. She talked me through that contraction while Stephen got our stuff situated. Once I made it inside, I was met by Harmony, the certified midwife on call (who happened to be my favorite), Sariah, the doula, and Mimi. The four women, along with Stephen, constituted my birthing team. I'm not sure how many people attend someone in a hospital birth, but I was impressed with the stamina these women had in helping me the whole time without relief.

The birthing team helped me with my contractions by counter pushing like Stephen had while I got situated to be checked. My biggest fear at that moment was that I wouldn't have made any progress and they would determine I wasn't actually in labor and would be sent home. They were pretty confident I was in labor when they determined I was 6 centimeters dilated and fully effaced. It was comforting to me to have made so much progress, but I was still assuming I had hours ahead of me--after all, five hours before I felt fine.

The next step was getting an IV for Group B Strep. I'm not one to love needles being poked into my body, but it became even worse when I had to hold my arm still for it through contractions. But actually being poked in the crook of my elbow wasn't bad. When your body is literally stretching apart from the inside to move a human through it, an IV is nothing.

Once I had all the medical things done, I asked for nitrous oxide, a.k.a. laughing gas. I had done research into this pain reliever option and knew my birthing center offered it on request. I was given the mask to self-administer the gas. As I breathed in, the mask made a funny puffing noise, meaning it was working. I then focused on that sound as it became a life-saver. The gas made everything from that point feel like a dream. I think they call it laughing gas not because it made me laugh, but because I was so funny on it that it made my birthing team laugh.

The other thing that made a huge difference was getting into the tub. Again I was looking forward to this option and really hoped for a water birth. The tub had jets that put counter pressure on my hips (anyone caught on that counter pressure was key here) as I sat in it. The midwives then put pressure on my knees instead of my hips, and that worked well. It was nice to have the water supporting me. I was able to move around much easier in the water when I needed to, and it really did take away a lot of the pain.

At one in the morning, my setup was complete. I was in the tub with the jets on, breathing in the nitrous oxide, feeling the midwives give counter pressure on my knees, and squeezing Stephen's hand. With all of that, I was as prepared for the rest of labor and delivery as possible, and honestly, the setup worked wonders for me. The laughing gas was probably the one to give most credit to for this, but honestly, I don't remember much for the next two hours. Apparently, I was really funny. I kept asking for the time, sometimes multiple times within the same few minutes. I declared favorites with the midwives, though I also told Harmony I didn't like her later on in the night. I told everyone how great everything was, and the midwives joked I would want to take the laughing gas home with me (I thought about it...).

I did remember when one of the aids stopped though. They had to turn off the jets to hear the heartbeat, and I protested each time they did that. The nitrous oxide tank ran out twice on me, and I panicked as the pain became more apparent until they hooked up a new tank. The midwives would switch spots and would stop pushing on my knees, and I got upset over that too. It's kind of unfortunate that those are the points I remember, but along with that, it made the time go so fast. I felt like each contraction was the first time I was having a contraction and forgot all the previous ones. I was still aware of what was going on and could pull away the mask and get a clear head in a minute, but until three in the morning, I was content with my dream-like state.

There was one more trick that I used that I hadn't planned on per se, but turned out to work very well. While everything going on around me helped ease my body, my mind needed to be eased too. I had initially hoped that the hypnobirthing would keep me calm, or Stephen talking to me, or something like that but in the heat of the moment, besides focusing on the sound of the mask, I distracted myself by reciting the Gettysburg Address. Who does that? I don't know. Apparently I do. But hey, it worked, and seeing as Paige shares a birthday with Abraham Lincoln, I find it fitting.

It was about three when I asked them to check how much more I had dilated. I was scared again about not making progress, but suddenly I heard Sarah saying "You're at a ten. That's it. You can push any time now. Just listen to your body and do what it tells you to." I tried a few pushes then, but wimped out. That hurt as well, and it was tiring. With my less-than-coherent mind, I decided I didn't want to push anymore and let each contraction ride itself out. After a while, Harmony noticed I wasn't pushing and told me she was going to take away my nitrous oxide so I would push. That scared me into pushing, and I made sure during the next contraction to give it all I had to prove I could do it with the gas.

Sarah checked me and said she could feel the head. She didn't need to tell me that, though--I could feel the difference, and it felt like pain. They were checking her heart rate and noticed it went down with every push. Harmony told me it was seriously time to push and this time legitmately took away the laugh gas. I was upset by this (this was when I told her I didn't like her) as the intensity of everything hit me. I could feel the panic as the need to get her out quickly rose. I screamed and yelled and was probably quite the sight, but just as the pain reached a pinnacle at 3:46, the pressure released and I felt a baby being placed on my chest.

The cord was wrapped around her neck and shoulder with her right arm up against her head. The midwives had to act fast and cut the cord quickly, getting rid of the constraining pressure. They removed the cord and thus, removed the danger. I had initially wanted to delay the cord clamping to allow the blood in the cord to get to Paige and give her an added bonus of health, but priorities in that situation didn't let that happen. That was the only part of my birth plan that didn't pan out as I had hoped.

Stephen said he was anxious at the end too, since everything was very tense, and he noticed that it took her a moment to start crying, and then she only did so intermittently. I was so consumed with the physical side of everything that I didn't notice. I just held her against me. I don't remember quite what I said or did in fifteen minutes that I held Paige in the tub. I think I was still in shock. I remember talking to Paige, trying to console her, telling her hello. I remember Sarah telling me I needed to push out the placenta and being terrified it would hurt a lot again. I also remember being really happy that she had hair.

It was time to get out of the tub, so Stephen held Paige for the first time. I was unsure that I would be able to get my legs over the side of the tub, but the midwives assured me that while I felt woozy, they would keep me stable. We went to the bedroom where Paige was checked, weighed, and measured while I was examined. Harmony gave me back my laughing gas, which made things better, though I was probably spouting off random things again then too. They gave me a shot of pitocin to make sure I didn't bleed too much. as well as massaged my stomach (which hurt, thank you very much). I tore a little bit, and they debated if I needed stitches or not, but went ahead and stitched me up to be safe.

They cleaned everything up and made sure Paige and I were ok (Stephen was fine, just exhausted, but I don't think they worried much about him). By 5:00, the midwives introduced me to Joyce, a staff worker who would help me if I needed it, and waved goodbye. At that point, we had four hours to rest or do whatever we needed to before we needed to leave. It was a short amount of time, but that was part of the student program that I had purchased for that birthing center. Once everything was stable, there really wasn't much reason for us to stay at the center.

We tried sleeping for a bit, but Paige was fussy. I attempted to feed her, but struggled (it took us the better part of that day to figure out nursing--later that morning I pumped some and fed her with that just to make sure she wasn't starving). Joyce fed us and took care of Paige once I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. As we were nearing 9:00, I showered and filled out paper work while Stephen loaded the car. Paige fell asleep in her car seat just before we left. And then there we were, sitting in the car, driving away from the birthing center only 14ish hours after feeling uncomfortable with a baby in our back seat.

Once we got home, Stephen, Paige, and I laid in our bed. We were all exhausted, but we were home, happy and healthy. We spent our first private hours as a family sleeping in bed together, Paige laying on my chest as I was propped up. It was a very tender time for me. My mom came that afternoon to help for almost a week, and Stephen's family came to visit the next day. We've been getting rest as we can, and my body feels like it got hit by a truck for how sore I am (especially on my right side where her arm was), but beyond that, we're all doing really well.

Overall, I'm really happy with my labor and delivery. I'm surprised at how quick everything went for me, and I'm so happy there weren't any major complications. I know we're very blessed there. I'm grateful there isn't photo or video evidence of me laboring because they weren't my finest hours. It definitely hurt, and I experienced a lot of pain. There were times when I was scared and panicked, and even times when level-headed Stephen was worried. It wasn't easy.

But it was so. so. worth it.

I'm really proud of myself and of what my body was able to accomplish. I'm grateful for Paige and would go through it all again for her if I needed to. In a weird way, I'm grateful for the pain because I feel like a better person for it. I know a natural birth is not for everyone, and don't ask me just yet if I will do it again for my next child (let a few more of the details get blurry first), but for me and Paige, this was the way it was meant to be. This post is long mostly for my records, and I'm sure I'm not including some extra details. I'm happy to talk about my experience with anyone who has questions (though props for you for reading the whole story as it is).

Mostly, I'm happy my labor and delivery ended in me being Paige's mom, because that's the why behind it all. And that really does make everything worth it.

Pre-Labor Pains

I was hopeful that my next blog post would be about my labor and delivery, but waiting for Paige has left me with more time than I know what to do with. I decided it was worth sharing the "pre-labor" story and some musings on this time in my life. This may or may not get personal, but it probably won't be as bad as the next post.

It's hard waiting. That's the short answer. I feel a lot of excitement now, thinking she could be here any time. I have such a longing for her, to hold her in my arms and see what she looks like. I'm ready for motherhood and I want to enter that stage, but here I am, still counting kicks. I'm not so much sick of being pregnant as I'm sick of not having her here. I know I said I wouldn't complain, and I don't want this to come across as such.

It's like waiting for Christmas without knowing what day it is. I'm excited and anxious. There are still the nerves of not knowing what to expect, but I feel blessed with a lot of peace about labor and delivery. Part of me knew she would be later than my due date, but part of me also hoped she wouldn't make me wait long. The optimistic side of me must have been the one planning food this week, because each meal has been a scramble to find something to feed Stephen and myself with (I have a lot of frozen dinners stocked up, but I refuse to use them before she's here).

I'm having trouble sleeping through the night. It seems like each day this week, I've waken at 4:30 and have been unable to go back to sleep for hours. I've been napping a lot to make up for it, but it makes me think that nursing in the middle of the night won't be disruptive to my non-existent schedule. I can get my body to clam down, but my mind doesn't want to stop thinking about Paige.

I have a lot of support around me, and their eagerness adds to my own. So many of us are waiting for Paige to make her debut, but I have yet to have a solid contraction. I feel bad when I have to text well-wishers back and say nothing has changed. Somehow, I feel responsible, though I really don't have any control of the situation. I know no one expects me to take on the responsibility for why she isn't here yet, but I wish I had some control. Going on walks, staying hydrated, getting sleep--I'm doing everything I should be, but that doesn't give me any influence on her birthday. 

Funny story. Monday night, Stephen and I went for a walk as part of our Family Home Evening (and as a labor-encouraging activity, to be honest). As we were walking around the block, a couple in our ward was walking their dog in the opposite direction. It was kind of dark, so we didn't recognize each other until we were close. The couple then said hi once they knew who we were and the wife said, "I was confused when I saw you guys out walking without a dog, but now I understand." Yeah, I'm the overdue pregnant lady trying to walk my baby out, and it's obvious. 

I keep psyching myself out with labor. I've had a lot of cramping and other precursor signs, but I'm still waiting for a contraction. I had my midwife check me on Monday purely out of curiosity--I was 2 centimeters dilated and 30% effaced. Paige had dropped to a position of -1, where last week she hadn't dropped at all yet. (honestly, I'm not sure how much that is. Baby comes out at 5, to give you some context) She was as wiggly as ever and changed positions while they were feeling her, so it's a gamble to know which direction she'll face for labor. I'm suppose to sit forward or on my hands and knees to encourage her to face my back, which is ideal for labor. 

Basically though, all the numbers and symptoms I'm feeling mean labor is coming, but it gives zero indication of when. These signs could occur weeks before labor begins. It's comforting to know that my body is making progress, but it's still frustrating to not know when. If I knew that it was still going to be a week away, I would relax and enjoy this next week. If I knew it was going to be tonight, I would calm down and put my hospital bag in the car. It's not knowing that's the worst part. I won't be induced until I'm closer to 42 weeks, and even then, it won't be with medication until week 43 (heaven forbid I have to wait that long). I want to experience labor and delivery as naturally as possible, but I have gained a ton of sympathy for women who schedule an induction. 

My mother-in-law said something yesterday though that got me thinking (and eventually crying). She said that Paige was probably getting some last minute instructions from Heavenly Father. It was such a beautiful thought. It made me step back and look at the big picture of the Plan of Salvation. I'm not sure what my beliefs are one where a person's spirit dwells during pregnancy. Part of me wonders if the baby can move between the womb and heaven. There have been moments of movement from her that I feel like she is very aware of what is going on here--maybe some kicks were reflexes, but she undeniably loves music and Stephen.

If she's also able to spend time now in heaven, it gives me more sympathy for her being over her due date. I can picture her in heaven, sitting on God's lap, hugging Him and being hugged by Him. I wouldn't be quick to leave His arms either. I can picture God missing her once she leaves. It's a humbling and inspiring thought to realize how much He must love Paige. He wants her happiness and for her to be with Him, and yet, he's decided to send her to me. I feel the weight of the responsibility to teach her about Heavenly Father and help her be as close to Him as I can. And with that thought, I recognize He has the same desire for me to be happy and as close to Him too. I think in my pondering on this last night, I came to feel and understand Heavenly Father's love for His children a little more. I know that parenthood is only going to increase this understanding of what Love really is.

We've been praying each night for a complication-free labor and delivery, and each night, I let Heavenly Father have control over Paige's birthday. While my plan to have her come quickly (or you know, be here by now) seems to be a great plan to me, I know God's plan is better, even if it doesn't make sense now. Maybe He does have a few more words of wisdom for Paige to prep her for this world. Maybe more so, he's prepping me. Either way, I am still pregnant due to God's wisdom. I'll let you know when this changes, because I know you're waiting too. If you'll offer your prayers with me for a healthy labor and delivery, we can leave the "when" up to God. She'll come to my arms as soon as she's done being in His.