Dishes, Callings, Family, and Love

Life has been busy lately. I'm not sure why professors decide to make many things due right before Thanksgiving, but for the next week, I'll be working really hard to finish up papers, projects, and other assignments. Thankfully, Stephen's workload isn't nearly as bad as mine, so he's taken up a lot of the work around the house. I tell him he's going to spoil me if he keeps doing the dishes for me. While cooking is very fun for me, cleaning up after myself is the necessary price to pay for my hobby. But Stephen has pitched in a lot and will clean up after me, giving me nothing but enjoyment from making dinner. Maybe I'll just have to keep having a lot of homework that requires my time after dinner.

Stephen and I both now have callings in our married student ward. He was set apart a few weeks ago as the Proclaim the Gospel Chair. He is to encourage ward members to use the internet to share the gospel and work with the ward mission leaders to help less actives and nonmembers enjoy the blessings of the gospel. I was sustained and set apart on Sunday as a member of the Relief Society Activities committee. My first assignment is to help with the ward Christmas party. I'm really looking forward to it, and my personal assignment is to organize and run a photo booth. I'm going to make cute props and set up a background and take silly pictures of the ward members. I'm going to have to learn a lot, since I have little experience with photography, but I think it'll be fun. 

My calling isn't the typical activities calling though--I'm not part of the committee that does the monthly Relief Society activities, and I'm not part of the ward activities. It's a new committee that doesn't really have a role yet besides planning the Christmas party. I have ideas I would like to implement starting in the new year, but we'll see if I'm able to do them or not. But still, I'm happy to be serving somehow in my ward. I had a hard time feeling like I belonged, but now that I have a calling and a job to do, I can find my niche.

I've started to make friends in my ward too. My visiting teachers are nice, and they helped me find a ride on Tuesday when I needed to get somewhere while Stephen was at work. I'm holding babies when mothers are ok with it, and it's nice to chat with the women who sometimes just need someone to ask about them rather than their baby. I'm giving rides to girls who I want to know better, and it's just really refreshing to feel like I'm making friends finally.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm grateful I have a husband who will have intellectual conversations with me. My schooling has got me thinking about a lot of things, especially my role as a woman. Even though Stephen isn't learning about the same things I am, he's very willing to talk out my homework with me. I'm grateful I can share my thoughts and my struggles with him. He does the same with me too, and I'm learning a lot more about programming because of our discussions. It's just nice to be married to someone I can respect, and who respects me. We can teach each other, and be taught by each other. I remember while we were dating how much I appreciated his ability to teach, and even then, the secret though of him teaching our children made me happy.

I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving next week. We are driving down with my brother and sister and going to my grandparent's house in Arizona. I'm looking forward to the time off of school, even if it is just for a few days. But more so, I'm looking forward to spending time with my family, and letting my family spend time with Stephen. Stephen has only been to my parent's house three times--when we got engaged, when I received my endowment, and when we got married. Needless to say, each of those times, everyone was very busy. It's will be really nice to enjoy a relaxing time together. I want to play games with my family and Stephen and not worry about planning anything.

While life is busy now, we've settled into a good routine. My health is basically fine now. I spasm a little every now and then, but it's mostly just like a restless leg syndrome now. But for all intents and purposes, I'm completely better now. Stephen goes to school Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and he goes to work Tuesday and Thursday. I have classes on Monday and Wednesday and work on homework and do other chores Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Friday night we go to the temple. Saturday we both spend time cleaning and I do laundry and grocery shopping for the upcoming week. I'll watch the football game while Stephen ignores the football game. Sundays we sleep in and get ready for church eventually. We go to meetings at 1, then come home and eat and enjoy some quite couple time, free from distraction. Normally we watch shows together. Monday morning, we start again. This schedule will be almost identical next semester, except I'll have class on Friday too.

We've been married for almost three months now. It's strange to think we've been married longer than our engagement. Our engagement felt like forever to me! I traveled a lot then, and Stephen worked 9-5 M-F. I get to see him more often nowadays. When we were discussing marriage, we talked about getting married in November or December. I'm so grateful we got married in August. It would have been so hard to do this semester and try to plan a wedding and spend time with my fiance and have health challenges. It's a lot easier that Stephen and I both live in the same place. It's good that we can share everything completely like food and finances and a last name (I'm so close to completely officially being a Rollins). He's so supportive and helpful--thus why he's doing the dishes. If I weren't married right now, I would have a lot of dirty dishes.

But life is good to us. We've found a groove and we're making it work. We're learning a lot about each other and about ourselves. I think that's the most surprising thing about marriage--how much I've learned about myself. Stephen tries to figure me out, when he asks me why I do things, sometimes I don't have a good answer for him, which gives me time to think. We've grown a lot together over the past few months, but that's what marriage is about.

Our Love Story

For our wedding, Stephen and I recorded our love story. We each wrote our version and didn't compare notes until afterwards. We set them out on the tables at our reception in St. George and let people get to know us a little better. I'm so grateful to have this record, written soon after all of these events took place. It's fun to look back on.

Stephen’s Side

1. Before we met

I was born in San Jose, California in 1990 as the second child and first son to Bruce and Teresa Rollins. Shortly after I was born, we moved to Texas, and then to Idaho a few years after that. I consider Idaho my home, because I've lived there ever since. Growing up, I was always very interested in computers, which has led me to pursue a degree in Computer Science at BYU. My brothers and I loved to play together, whether it was some made-up game with our toys or a video game as we got older. I learned piano from my mom, and played trombone in middle school and sang bass in high school. I've always been very musical. I enjoyed school a lot. I was one of those odd students who actually liked his math classes. I've also always been an avid reader of fantasy books. I served a two-year full-time mission for my church in New Zealand. Prior to my mission, I hardly ever went on dates. When I got home in early 2012 and started looking at places to live at BYU, I had to decide between Sparks II Apartments and another nicer, more expensive complex. I chose to live in Sparks. That's where I met Jane.

2. First date

One Saturday morning, I got a text from one of my friends. She, knowing the social butterfly that I am, wanted to give me an opportunity to go on a double date. She and her boyfriend we going on a hike. I had seen Jane around a bit by then since we hung out with the same group of friends, but I hadn't gotten to know her very well yet. I gave her a call, and shortly after that she became my first date at BYU. I noticed several things about her during this date. First, she was able to have fun hanging out with me and my friends even though she didn't know either of them at all. She was easy-going and loved being with people. Second, she loved to listen. Though we talked about nothing in particular, she was always willing to hear me out no matter what I felt like rambling about. She, in turn, was very willing to talk about herself. Overall, it was a pleasant date and I would have been quite happy going out with her again. We were definitely friends after that first date, though my work and summer classes started getting busier after that and I didn't go out with her again that summer. That was in May 2012. Our second date was 9 months later. She'll probably never let me live that one down!

3. When I knew I liked her (2nd date and on)

This year, I made a New Year's resolution to go on a date every month. I missed January, but for Valentine's Day I invited Jane to a get-together "just as friends". We had fun, and even though it had been 9 months since our last date, I felt like I wanted to try again to go out with her. Ever the go-getter, I didn't ask her out again until later in February when a church date activity came around. When I asked Jane to the date night, she asked me out to see a play at the same time! Until that time, I hadn't realized she was interested in me as well.

Slowly, our weekly dates turned into hanging out. I loved how Jane respected that I was an introvert and liked to have my time to get things done. She would help me come up with ideas for things we could do together a few times a week. Going on walks was a popular one. We would walk to a frozen yogurt shop and just ask each other questions. I noticed quickly how selfless Jane was. She just wanted to know me better. She was willing to invest time to get to know the things I cared about and make them important to her as well. She made me feel very valued.  For all this, she never showed any qualities that I didn't like.

4. Becoming Official

I don't remember exactly how Jane and I decided we were officially a “thing”. She probably remembers much better than I do. I feel like it happened in two parts within about a week of each other. We went to get frozen yogurt one night and took an especially long walk afterwards. We continued our usual practice of exchanging questions, but near the end, the questions turned from questions about us individually to questions about /us/. It was clear we both liked where things were going. We both decided we wanted to keep dating.

At this point, I thought we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. But we hadn’t actually used those words, so I wasn't certain. We talked about it again a few nights later. In fact, I think it might have been Jane who brought it up. She asked me if we could officially call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Of course I said yes! I'll always remember the date: April 1st. We didn't post it on Facebook until the next day, because no one would have believed us if we became “Facebook Official” on April Fool's Day.

5. First Kiss

I’ve never been one to just go around and kiss girls simply because I think they’re cute. I consider a first kiss a big deal. That being said, as April drew on, I felt like Jane and I were serious enough to kiss her. I didn’t communicate that very well. Jane knew how much a kiss would mean to me, so even though she really wanted to kiss me, she was waiting until I was ready for it. It took a few weeks before she caught my hints that I was finally ready.

It was after one of our dates-that-was-really-a-walk-to-and-from-the-frozen-yogurt-place. Somehow we started talking about kissing. I told Jane I had been willing for a couple weeks to finally kiss her. She of course reacted by saying that, had she known that, she would have kissed me weeks ago! We settled on a deal. Since it was the first time I had ever kissed a girl, we decided that whoever initiated the kiss would be decided by a game of pool. I won handsomely. I was okay with that, because I was excited but a bit nervous for my first kiss.

6. Bringing Up Marriage

The potential for marrying Jane was always there. I wouldn’t have started dating her if I didn’t think it could possibly end in marriage. But she was going to do EFY and then take a semester’s internship in Washington D.C., so, while the possibility was there, it was never a huge consideration. Still, I definitely thought that it might happen. We had already talked about me waiting for her until after D.C. so we could pick things back up again.

Toward the end of May, we took a weekend trip up to Idaho to visit my family. It went really well. The trip was meant to be just me introducing Jane to my parents, but at the end of it the topic of marriage came up. It wasn’t too surprising to learn that we both were considering getting married. Jane brought it up first, and prefaced her words with something along the lines of “Now, don’t freak out, but…”. I don’t think she realized I was thinking about it as well. On the drive home, we talked about it more. D.C. was an issue, but Jane said she would stay if I gave her a reason to. So, I asked her to stay. I didn’t want to promise I would marry her yet, but we kept talking about it over the next several days and it started to become more and more of a sure thing. First we talked about November - not too close, and not in December to get in the way of Jane’s birthday and Christmas. However, it didn’t feel quite right. Finally, we settled on August - a possibility we hadn’t even considered at first.

7. Proposing

Jane knew it was coming. We had already decided on a date and booked the temple. I knew I wanted to propose to her with a necklace I had bought on my mission, and we had a temporary ring for her to wear for everyone else to see. When she gave me the ring, I put it in my pocket and informed her that she was no longer safe: it could come out at any time. But first, I had to get her parent’s permission. Thus it was that we drove down to St. George the second weekend of June. That Saturday, the 8th, I stepped onto the back patio with Jane’s dad under the pretense of seeing his power tools. I asked him if I could marry Jane, and he said yes. Later, I told Jane that I hadn’t been able to ask because her dad had talked too much and I hadn’t been able to get the question in. In my defense, that wasn’t too far from the truth!

I told Jane I wanted to see more of St. George. I kept asking her to show me a park, and we ended up in a rocky canyon outdoor theater called Tuacahn. It was then that I confessed to Jane that I had gotten her dad’s permission. I pulled out the ring, got down on one knee, and asked her to marry me. She said she would be honored. I had wanted to make sure I surprised her. She assured me that I succeeded!

8. Why do I want to marry her/What do I love about her

            I love being asked what my favorite thing about Jane is. I always say that it’s her caring nature. Anyone who knows her would agree with me. She makes people feel happy and appreciated. She listens. She makes me feel valued. She validates my feelings and puts up with my quirks. She is nothing if not sincere. She lets me be me. She puts my feelings and needs above her own. She loves me so much and cares deeply about finding ways to show me that love. She has a strong faith in God. She makes me a better person. She is wonderful with kids of all ages. She works hard. She is willing to communicate her needs and feelings. Simply put, when I first started dating her, I saw no qualities in her that I wouldn’t want in a future wife. This far into our relationship, she still has never showed me anything that makes me not love her.

Jane’s Side

1. Before we met

            I was born on December 2^nd, 1991 to Richard and Rosanne Hutchins in Orem, UT. I am the second child of nine and the oldest daughter. When I was three, we moved to St. George. I loved riding my bike, playing pretend with my friends, and writing. In high school, I was involved in theater—I was the stage manager for my school for two years, and I acted in a few shows too. I received the Sterling Scholar award for English, where my hobby of writing proved beneficial. I began attending BYU in the fall of 2010, and I will graduate next April. Everyone thought I would study English in college, but with my vast interests, I discovered American Studies suited me best (with a minor in English). During the past two summers, I have worked as an Especially For Youth counselor. I have loved teaching the youth and consider EFY my “mission.” As a college student, I love cooking new recipes, watching American Idol, and socializing with friends. It was during my attempts to make as many friends as I could that I met Stephen Rollins.

2. First date

            It had been a while since I had a date when Stephen asked me out. I was looking forward to a nice date with a nice guy. My roommates and I spent a while deciding what outfit to wear, as I was nervous. He probably didn’t even notice. We went hiking at Stuart Falls with another couple. I really enjoyed getting to know Stephen. He would reminisce with the girl in the other couple about their mission (they served together in New Zealand). The four of us played games as we walked, and I remember Stephen somehow wound up singing a song about peanut butter and jelly—I appreciated his open and sincere attitude. From the beginning, I felt like I knew the real Stephen, and I never worried about him lying to impress me. We got along really well, too. As I learned more and more about him over the course of the hike and picnic lunch, I really began to like him. By the time we got home, I had a full-blown crush on him. I subtly extended the date by hanging out at his apartment that night. When I came home at midnight, I squealed with my roommates and gushed about how great my day was and how amazing Stephen was. I tried being friendlier with him that summer, but he always seemed too busy, or had too much homework, or was too tired, and I took that as a hint that he wasn’t interested in me, and I moved on.

3. When I knew I liked him (2nd date and on)

            I made a goal at New Years to go on at least one date a month, even if that meant I had to ask out the guy. February, Stephen inadvertently helped me accomplish this goal by asking me out for Valentine’s Day. It had been nine months since our first date, and I figured he just asked me as friends because he needed someone to go with for a group date. We made and decorated cookies, played games, and had a lot of fun. I noticed during the second half of February he texted me more, and would hang out in our friend group more, and was just generally friendlier than before. When March rolled around, I knew I needed to go on a date, and I bought two tickets to see Cyrano de Bergerac. At the same time, our ward announced a date night. After ward prayer one night, as people were socializing, I knew I wanted to ask someone out for the play. When I saw Stephen, I decided I wanted to go with him. He came over to me and said, “Can I ask you something?” to which I said, “Only if I can ask you something.” We then proceeded to ask each other out, me inviting him to the play and him inviting me to the ward date night. It was then that I realized “I think we like each other.”

4. Becoming official

            After going on several dates in only a matter of a few weeks, I knew I wanted to officially date Stephen. We had talked and were on the same page that we were going to go on more dates, and when he held my hand during a movie, I knew I wanted to DTR—define the relationship. We went to get frozen yogurt, and on the walk back, we asked each other questions. Stephen then suggested we do a “companionship inventory” like he did on his mission. When it was my turn, I asked him if it was okay if I called him my boyfriend. He said he thought he already was (please note that I did not ask him to be my boyfriend, rather if it was okay that I called him such). Ironically, it was April Fools’ Day, so I had to wait until the next day to tell people so they would believe me.

5. First kiss

            I told myself I would let Stephen kiss me when he was ready, and we dated for several weeks without any hint he had been thinking about it. I kissed him on the cheek for the first time in a blanket fort before he left for a week. When he came back, there were still more weeks without any progress. I was patient—Stephen had never kissed a girl, and I wanted his first kiss to be when and what he wanted it to be. A few nights after good talks, when saying goodbye at the doorstep, I could tell he was thinking about it (finally). We went on a date to the canyon and talked, and somehow we started talking about the meaning of a kiss and how he would feel ready to kiss someone—but still nothing.

            On May 8^th, we went to the frozen yogurt shop again and talked all the way back. We were having a good conversation and went to my apartment complex’s clubhouse to continue talking. Somehow, we started talking about kissing again. I told him my plan to let him kiss me, but said “If you decide to kiss me, making it a story worth telling.” He then asked what constituted that, and I said I didn’t know. We then somehow struck a deal—we would play pool, and the looser would have to kiss the other person. I also added the stipulation that he would have to play piano for me, too.

            We played pool. I lost miserably (and not on purpose). After the final score was totaled (which was really easy considering his obvious victory) I moved close to him, and could see how nervous he was. I smiled and asked him to play “All Of Me” by Jon Schmidt. I have never heard him play so poorly. Stephen rushed and fumbled and I loved him more for it. After he finished, I kissed him.

6. Bringing up marriage

Stephen and I first started talking about marriage during our trip to Idaho over Memorial Weekend. Initially, I was going to go on an internship to Washington DC for fall semester. We were discussing what we would be doing during that time, and I told him he would have to give me a reason to stay—he didn’t have to agree to marriage, but I couldn’t cancel my internship for him to only break up with me a week later or something. We stayed up late talking Sunday night, and then continued our discussion during our six-hour car ride. In Twin Falls, we took a break at a scenic overlook and Stephen told me he wanted me to stay. I was so happy. We talked and celebrated all the way home.

            The next few weeks, we talked more and more. We tossed around the idea of getting married in November or December, but there were multiple reasons those times wouldn’t work. I then realized we hadn’t discussed August. We realized it would be soon, but felt it was right. We both fasted and prayed and talked a lot, and the more we did, the more I knew I wanted to marry Stephen. We hosted a bonfire, but we spent most of the time talking quietly amongst ourselves, deciding to get married at the end of summer. When we were alone, I made him say “Jane I want to marry you” which caused much rejoicing on my end.

7. Proposing

            Stephen wanted to surprise me, even though I knew he was going to propose soon. He had explained to me his jade necklace he got in New Zealand—the design represents two lives coming together for eternity, and in Maori culture, it is bad luck to buy a necklace like that for oneself, so he bought it with the intent of proposing to his future wife with it. We also got a temporary ring so others would know I would be engaged, but to me, the necklace is a symbol of his love. In order to surprise me, Stephen said he would keep the ring and necklace in his pocket and propose at any time. I told him he would have to ask my dad first. Conveniently, we had already planned a trip to St. George that weekend so he could meet my family.

            June 8^th, Stephen talked to my dad without me knowing. He said he wanted to go look at St. George, so I took him out to Tuacahn and showed him the red rocks. We sat on a bench and started talking. He asked me if it was important if he got on one knee or not. I told him it was very important. Stephen jokingly said not to propose in the car then. I told him I might crash if he did. We talked for another ten minutes or so on how he would propose. I was convinced he would ask me in Provo canyon because of several special moments we had there. As we talked, Stephen confessed to me that he had talked to my dad and gained permission. I freaked out, but still had no idea what was coming. He then said “Jane, I love you” and kissed me. While he was kissing me, he reached into his pocket, and only then did I realize what he was doing. Stephen knelt on one knee in front of the bench and asked me to marry him. I said “I would be honored” which is what my mom said to my dad. We took pictures and celebrated and told my family when we got home. From then on, it has truly been an honor to be at his side, and I look forward to eternity with him.

8. Why I want to marry him/What I love about him

            When we were seriously dating, Stephen asked to see a list of qualities I wanted in my future spouse (he assumed correctly that I had such a list—I blame Young Women’s activities). As I shared with him my desires, I realized he had every quality I listed. But that didn’t come as a surprise to me. Before we were formally dating, I felt like I could and wanted to marry Stephen. I kept that information to myself for a while, but as time went on, the more my hope solidified into a potential reality. I could be myself around him. He made me laugh when I didn’t think it was possible, and he knew to just hold me when I cried. Stephen counseled with me and supported my decisions. He encouraged me to be my best self and go out of my comfort zone. I loved how kind he was to everyone he met. He was smart, hardworking, and goal oriented. I loved his smile and laugh. I knew early on I wanted to spend the rest of my life causing that smile and listening to that laugh. Stephen became my best friend, my happiness, and my love.

Tricks and Treats

This post comes to you from Meridian, Idaho. I'm at my in-laws' house for the weekend. I'm currently in their formal dining room, looking through the glass doors at Stephen and Bruce (my father-in-law) as they play a computer game together. They are wearing matching orange shirts, and I find it far too precious. Michael and Brandon, my 6-year-old and 4-year-old brother-in-laws, are literally bouncing around them, jumping from one screen to the other, not being able to decide where to focus their attention.

I love spending time here. Stephen and I have been planning this trip for a few weeks now. Teresa, my mother-in-law, invited us up to surprise Bruce for his 50th birthday. Heidi and Scott, Stephen's older sister and her husband, are also coming today to surprise Bruce. The initial plan was for us to all come today, on Friday, but as I talked with Stephen, I expressed how fun it would be to come up for Halloween and take the little boys out trick-or-treating. So we made arrangements and made it work.

We drove up yesterday, me rocking out to music from my childhood, Stephen doing homework in the car. It was a fine drive until we hit Boise and got stuck in rush hour traffic. As we were crawling along, Stephen pointed to a maroon car a few cars ahead of us in the other lane. "That's my dad!" he said, and sure enough, Bruce was stuck in the same traffic jam for his commute home from work. He was obviously obvious to us. However, we tried to be as stealthy as we could in a bright red car in order to not spoil the surprise. We got of on the nearest exit and took the back roads home.

Stephen and I stalled a bit and then were given the cue from Teresa. We then drove up to the house, walked up to the front door, and knocked. When Bruce answered the door, we exclaimed "trick-or-treat!" (brilliant idea, if I do say so myself). He was sincerely surprised and hugged us and invited us in. The little boys were surprised too, and excited to see us. It was very memorable.

The family ate dinner and then Stephen and I joined Bruce as we took Michael and Brandon out trick or treating. I had forgotten how much fun it could be for children. They were adorable to watch and listen to, as Brandon hoped out loud at each house that they wouldn't have a dog, and as Michael would share only the candy he didn't like, saving all the good stuff for himself. It was totally worth all the sacrifices to come a day early and be here for Halloween.

It's always nice to take a vacation, even if it just for a weekend. Stephen has had a lot of large projects due lately, meaning he has been extremely busy. He still has work to do this weekend, but has more time now to spend with his family. I love watching him be an older brother. Our families are similar in many ways, and it feel a lot like home with young children running around and screaming. It's a great vacation for me to get away from Provo and relax a bit.

In other news, Stephen and I hosted our first dinner party on Sunday. We invited his home teaching companion, his wife, and the two couples he home teaches over for dinner. I made enchiladas that were a huge hit. It's fun to cook for just Stephen and me, but when Stephen likes everything and has yet to tell me something I've made is bad, I begin to loose faith in his opinion. But feeding other people reminds me I'm blessed that my hobby is something productive and helpful. 

Well, I'm being invited to go play more games with his family, and I think I'll do just that! 

Fact: Nothing is Impossible to God

I can't wait to tell you all this story. I'm not sure when this blog turned into a testimony journal, but God has been so good to Stephen and me, it's hard not to share in the joy of blessings and praise my Savior. I think most of you who read this blog are of my same faith. If not, and you would like to learn more, check out lds.org or ask me any questions. Either way, I hope none are offended when I share the mercies of God with you.

So, back up a few weeks ago (or just scroll down, because the post explaining everything is on this blog). Saturday night, Stephen and I started a fast, asking God to help us in our lives. Specifically,  we were asking that we would manage our time better and accomplish all that we needed to. The next morning, I woke up with spasms. When I realized later that my medical conditions might be connected to the fast, I wondered at my God. How could adding this stress to my life allow me to better handle the stress I was already feeling? With time, relaxation, a patient husband, and sleeping pills, I've gotten the convulsing under control. Some nights are better than others, but I feel like the trial, for the most part, has passed.

But it did take a toll on my lifestyle. Namely, I had to quit my custodial job (again, scroll down for feelings on this). Stephen and I had sat down at the beginning of the semester and financially planed and budgeted for the upcoming months. We would make it on both of our incomes, but just barely. Quitting my job put us under more and more each month. We had a general savings fund we were dipping into in order to make it, and had calculated we would need to exhaust most of our emergency savings in order to survive until the new year. At that point, we wouldn't have enough. We counseled with each other and the Lord a lot, and decide the best action was for Stephen to take a semester off to work full-time while I finished my degree. Stephen would then do classes during the summer in order to catch up again. It wasn't ideal, but it was our best option.

Knowing how tight money is, I have been doing all I can to spend as little as possible. Basically, all I could affect was the grocery budget. We were already living on a tight grocery budget, and trying to go under was causing me a lot of emotional grief. I wanted to make meals that were healthy and better than ramen, but the more I tried, the more I realized that we would have to give up a lot in order to be under budget--namely, meat and dairy. I've been creative, but it was still not making much of a difference.

This leads me to Saturday night. Stephen and I went grocery shopping. I went over budget in order to feed us for a week, and this was with planning on using as much ingredients that we already had as we could. I felt discouraged. Stephen and I were doing all that we could. We were being frugal, wise, and thoughtful. We read our scriptures every day and went to the temple every week and paid our tithing with each paycheck. Still, as I entered the receipt's information on our budget sheet, I stared at the numbers. I'm sure most, if not all of you can relate. Looking at the categories, we had already gone over in order to pay for my medical expenses. We still had almost two full weeks left of the month, and I had around $20 left for food. I was regretting buying the pumpkins we picked out in order to celebrate our first Halloween together.

I looked at the large, red number, telling me our expected balance for the end of the year. I felt so disheartened. I voiced my worries to Stephen, who held me but couldn't offer me much consolation beyond that. For moths, he's been repeating to me "it'll work" when it came to financial concerns. On Saturday, when he again assured me that "it'll work," I snapped back at him. "How?" I asked. "How will it work? You see the numbers as well as I do (if not better, because math was never my strong point). There's not much else we can do." And then I made the sinner's mistake to doubt my Heavenly Father. "It's not like God can give us more money. There's no way He can do that. It's not possible." Yes, I actually said that out loud, after the experience I had earlier that week (refer to most recent post). I'm amazed at how often I must be taught the same lesson of simple faith in Him.

Sunday, I had a hard morning, with the concerns weighing on my mind, but Stephen helped me turn the day around and find joy in my situation. We drove up the canyon a bit to look at the trees and made a quiche. We cleaned the apartment and my visiting teachers stopped by. I made cookies and read my scriptures. This morning, I woke up and went to class and overall had a really great day. Stephen commented several times how he was happy because I was happy today. We had fun in our marriage class together and walked home holding hands. Money was not on my mind when Stephen brought in the mail as I was making dinner and admiring our new microwave (It blew last Monday and has been a creative week to get by until maintenance replaced it). I got an envelope of family names to take the to temple from my cousin and Stephen got a letter from BYU. He opened it up, looked at it, and then showed it to me without saying a word. He was holding a check, displaying his refund. The thing is, neither of us knew this was coming. I asked him several times what that was, out of disbelief. "No way!" I exclaimed to him over and over. "No way! No way!"

He then checked his BYU account. FAFSA had come through for him. We thought he was just offered a discounted loan, to which we declined, not wanting to add to our debt more. We then read more. He was given a pell grant, half of which was dispersed to us in that check. I was shocked, stunned, and in denial. Stephen says I go through the stages of grief when I'm surprised. "It's not possible!" I mumbled to myself. This then reminded me of murmurings only a few days before. My God, who I was sure had given us all that he would or even could, had found a way to bless us more.

I marveled at Stephen, "all we are doing is keeping the commandments. And yet he blesses us with this?" I held up the check. My husband then turned to Mosiah 2:23-24 "And now, in the first place, he hath created you, and granted unto you your lives, for which ye are indebted unto him. And secondly, he doth require that ye should do as he hath commanded you; for which if ye do, he doth immediately bless you; and therefore he hath paid you. And ye are still indebted unto him, and are, and will be, forever and ever; therefore, of what have ye to boast?"

Still in shock, we pulled out our budget and added the new numbers together. Not only would we have enough to live off of while I can't work, Stephen could take classes next semester. I then had him calculate some math for me. We took my old wage and figured out how much I would have made had I worked 20 hours the whole semester. Our rough estimate was within a few dollars of the amount the check was for. This is when I shed a few tears and expressed my baffled gratitude. Even when I doubt and worry, my God still has compassion on my husband and me. He understands our needs and repeatedly goes beyond expectations to answer our prayers, voiced or silent.

Writing this out has helped me see that God has been answering the fast Stephen and I offered a month ago. Since I haven't been working, I've had the time I needed to keep up in my schoolwork and still get things done around the house. Stephen and I found a way to manage our time at the expense of our income, but God has taken care of that for us. My husband says every couple has their tithing/financial miracle story, and now we have ours. We did all we could. We followed His commandments and included Him in our decisions. And by implementing our doctrinal understanding of grace, God has answered our prayers, soothed my worries, and provided. Hosanna! Hallelujah!

Where's Wallet?

Yesterday afternoon, I was rushing out the door. I was running behind schedule and had an appointment at four o'clock on campus that I didn't want to be late to. I loaded my pockets with my phone, keys, and wallet, and hopped on my bike. As I started pedaling up the street, I realized I was wearing the jeans with shallow pockets. My belongings were having a hard time staying put, so I moved my keys to my jacket pocket and shoved my wallet down as deep as I could in my jeans. My jacket pockets aren't much deeper, so I was careful to adjust my items accordingly. I biked fast and hard, rushing against the clock. When I arrived at the student center, I spotted the bike rack across the street and biked there to lock up my bike. As I was crossing the road back to the Wilkinson Center, I checked my pockets. Phone: check. Keys: check. Wallet...

Panic set in. I looked at the clock on my phone. 3:57. If I stopped to look for my wallet, I would be late for my appointment. But what else could I do? My life was in the wallet. Debit card, credit card, student ID, drivers license, temple recommend, gift cards, medicine, social security card (yes, I know I shouldn't carry it with me; it ended up in there after I tried to change my name legally), and a decent amount of cash, along with my emergency money hidden in a pocket--all of this was lost. I ran back to my bike and checked the rack. Nothing. I retraced my path, keeping my eyes on the ground all the way back to my apartment. I turned around when I got home and immediately continued searching as I biked back to campus. When I arrived again at the bike rack, it was 4:20. I was upset. I was late for my meeting and still hadn't found my wallet. I decided to go to my appointment late and take care of things there.

As soon as I finished at 5:00, I resumed my search. I stopped by the lost and found on campus, but she hadn't seen a wallet. I biked home, carefully scanning the road, moving slowly and methodically. When I again reached my apartment with no sign of my wallet, I went in and changed into some warmer clothes and better shoes and set out again on foot this time. As I again trekked to the Wilk, I felt discouraged. The night before, Stephen and I sat down and discussed finances. We made a good plan on how to make our means last, and my wallet contents were near essential for that plan to work. We had prayed to our Heavenly Father, explaining our situation and telling him we had faith in His ability to aid us. We promised to Him to continue to pay our tithing faithfully and attend the temple weekly. We felt the calm assurance that he would provide for us, and that everything would be ok. (We're newlywed college students--being poor is almost synonymous for this time in our lives, and that was anticipated and planned for. I don't mean to complain.)

But here I was, a day later, doing all I could to make up for my mistake, and feeling depressed and angry at myself. I had been praying the moment I noticed my wallet was missing. Nothing was coming together. The weather was cold and wet, sprinkling on and off just enough to make me damp. I had now scanned the street almost 4 times and had no luck. I checked my phone for the time. 5:42. I had notifications for emails on my phone that I had been ignoring for a while that kept piling up. I shouldn't be looking at my phone; I should be looking at the ground! But I paused to check the emails for no other reason than divine nagging.

"Your BYU ID card is at the ID Center, 2310 WSC"

As I saw this in the subject line of one of the emails, my heart flipped. I kept reading. My wallet had been turned into the ID Center. I checked the time of the email. 4:05. Minuets after I realized it was lost, someone had found it and brought it to the center. The email then continued on to say the ID center would close at 6:00. I had about 15 minutes at that point, and ran the rest of the way to campus. I made it to the center at 5:55 and inquired about my wallet. The employee said a guy found it in a parking lot and returned it. I signed that I picked it up and breathed for the first time in two hours. I had rode my bike past three parking lots, but logically, it could only have been by the bike rack for someone to find it and return it within ten minutes of me knowing it was gone. I had checked the rack thoroughly several times at this point, including immediately after I noticed my loss. One day, in the eternities, I'll look back on that day and find out exactly what happened. Until then, I can only be grateful I live in an honest community.

By this point, the drama of the ordeal hit me, and I asked Stephen to pick me up from campus on his way home from work. at 6:10, he showed up at campus, and as I walked out to the car, a rainbow arched across the sky, curving over the Y on the mountain and ending right above our red Suzuki. I kid you not. I wouldn't include such a cliche detail if it wasn't real. I had texted Stephen during my search several times, so he knew of my plight and my relief. He kissed me and said "See, I told you it would work out and be ok." I scoffed but smiled. I admire Stephen's constant faith. I seem to be taught the same lesson over and over, but when it comes time for the test, I question God. Stephen's good at reminding me that His hand is stretched out still.

So morals of this story: God will continue to take care of me. Strangers can be kind and honest people, for which I owe my relief. Leave myself plenty of time to get to appointments so I don't have to rush. Don't bike a lot in the cold rain without a jacket (I now have a cold--sorry Mom, I know you taught me better than to leave home without a jacket). And most of all--don't put important items in shallow pockets.

Decisions, Decisions

I want to begin this post with thanking everyone who has shown their concern for me. I did not nearly expect the reaction I got. I tried to let you know everything was alright, but I am still humbled by the outpouring of prayers and love. My body has definitely relaxed as I've slowed down in life, but it's still not perfect. I'm seeing a neurologist tomorrow. I'm nervous for that, but I'm hopeful that it will either confirm that I'm normal and just stressed, or find some sort of problem that is easy to fix. Nowadays, I normally only have spasms when I'm laying down resting. After a few minutes or so of relaxing on my bed, I start twitching. The best thing I've found is to sit up and rock myself a bit, but it's hard to sleep that way. I've had some restless nights lately. I've been napping during the day to make up for it.

In order to reduce my stress, Stephen and I have prayed and pondered much and have decided it is best that I don't work right now. So I made a painful phone call to my boss and told her I was quitting. I am honestly sad to leave that job. Sure, there's nothing glamorous in being a custodian to freshman, but it was an honest and good job. I felt productive and accomplished. I liked the time it gave me to listen to conference talks and my coworkers were nice to hang out with. It was nice to have a job and be earning money. Finances will be tight for us for a little while, but we can make it work. We just won't have enough for me to go to school next semester too. So with that in mind, I'll get a job in January and work for a few months to build up some savings and go back to school next fall or winter. Maybe I'll graduate the same time Stephen does.

I'm looking into being an apartment manager. I have an interview tomorrow at the Elms to work there. I have to see if it'll work out for me. I didn't quit one job just to get overwhelmed with another. But if they will let me work a decent time table, maybe letting me do part time now in order to do full time next year, that would be wonderful. However, we'll have to move. I like my apartment a lot. It feels like home to me. It will be hard to move again, but there are several reasons why that would be a good option. It's all just in the idea stage, so we'll have to see what comes of everything.

 All of these decisions have been weighing on my mind for days now, and it feels good to have them decided and resolved. I considered not finishing this semester and just working full time, but I've already invested so much, and I want to graduate, so I'm still in class. I'm being more mindful of how I'm feeling and trying not to burn myself out. The classes I'm in require a lot of work, and because I've missed a few days, I'm struggling to get on top of them again, but I'll keep at it. There are 64 days left until the last day of class, not that I'm counting. I've taken my first midterm, so we're already deep in the course work. Stephen is being as supportive and encouraging as possible. He's so good to me.

Conference came at the ideal time for me, with all these life changes being presented. I found a lot of comfort in the talks. Stephen and I had some very personal experiences through conference that are too sacred to share on the internet, but to sum up, we felt that God was very aware of our situation and answered our prayers with comfort. He didn't tell us what all the right answers were, but simply proved His love. We were able to attend the Saturday afternoon session in person with our friends Katelyn and Trevor. It was such a special experience for us.

So Stephen and I are in a marriage class together, and for one assignment, we have made a goal to go to the temple once a week. I specifically am making the goal to do family names. We did a session last Friday together. That was a really nice break from the troubles of life. I love being in the temple. After our session, Stephen and I sat in the Celestial room together and talked. After a while, he asked me, "Are you ready to go?" and I said, "I'm never ready to leave here." Which is sincerely true. I want live in the temple and always feel that peace. It doesn't fix all my problems, but temple worship puts my worries into perspective. I'm so grateful for the blessing of having the temple in my life.

Well, this post is kind of all over the place, but that's what my life is right now. It's been rough, but it's also been so good for me. I find comfort in many places and from many people. I'm reevaluating my life and my plans and that's always hard to do, but I understand it is for the best. If life right now isn't working for me, then things need to change. But my foundations aren't changing. I am developing more faith and humility. I feel more love and trust from Stephen. I'm recognizing the blessings in my life and feeling grateful for family and friends who care so much about me. I've had a lot of people extend their help, be it in car rides or kind texts. Life is allowed to be rough sometimes. It helps me appreciate the calm more. 

I'm Fanspastic

Saturday morning, Stephen and I spent a few hours cleaning and decorating our apartment. We are still in the process of moving in. I wonder if we will ever be 100% moved in while living in Union Square. Our bedroom is still full of boxes, and my closest has been a disaster since I dumped all my shoes on the floor before we were married. But we're getting there. Our living room and kitchen are almost 100% done. We just have to actually clear the counter and table instead of moving and sorting piles over and over. But it is so much fun for me to clean alongside Stephen. It's in those moments where I'm standing back, telling him to tilt the mirror half an inch to the right so it will be level that I feel the most like I'm married. It's in the the simple act of him sliding the table so I can decorate the wall behind it that I feel like we are husband and wife. As I go start the laundry while he is vacuuming the living room, I feel overwhelmed with love for Stephen. He is my best friend and my coworker. He is my counselor and my confidant. He's my support and my drive. I tell him often that I'm so glad I married him and not someone else, because the little perks of his personality complement mine so well.

As we were cleaning, I was rambling off about something unimportant from the bathroom while he was in the kitchen. I then paused and poked my head around the corner and said "scripture case" to which he replied "that's what it was!" and I couldn't stop laughing. To set up the back story, Stephen is keeping a list of presents he could get me for my birthday and Christmas. As we think of things that would be nice to have, he'll write them down. We were in the BYU bookstore on Wednesday, wandering around and killing time. I told him I wanted a new scripture case. (Mine I've had since I was in Young Women's and it has been with me through EFY and Girls camp and other adventures, but it is wearing out. There's also a permanent stain from a green crayon. Basically, it would be a reasonable time to update my case.) We weren't home for him to write it down however, and by the time we remembered that we had thought of something, we couldn't remember what that something was. So days later, when out of the blue I said "scripture case" and he knew exactly what I meant by it and didn't find my outburst odd, I couldn't help but laugh and love him more.

So now that I've started this blog with sappy love stories, I guess it's time I explain what's really going on in my life. To start with: I'm alright. So no panicking and no freaking out, alright? I'm having some medical problems. It started Sunday morning when I woke up. My muscles were twitching and spazzing rapidly. I'm assuming everyone has felt a muscle spasm at some point. Now imagine it is happening for hours all over your body. It's like my muscles are hiccuping. It's not painful, but it is frustrating and annoying. It happened all day Sunday. It would get worse and then better as I relaxed. I took a muscle relaxant in order to sit through church, but by the end of the third hour, it was just getting difficult to not draw attention to myself. 

Monday, I woke up with spasms again, but felt better after I got up and moved around some. I went to my classes, and I was fine for the most part. There was still an anxious feeling to my body, and ever now and then I would twitch again. I came home and twitched more again, especially when I would lay down. I was ok enough to sleep, but woke up a few hours later convulsing. In my half-asleep state, I started panicking, which only made it worse. Through my tears of frustration and anxiety, Stephen held me and tried to comfort me as much as possible. He would give me massages that turned out to be too painful for my tense muscles. Finally, I asked him for a blessing. He changed into church clothes and consecrated some oil. After anointing me, he commanded my body to be at peace, and the moment he did, in a very miraculous, testimony building way, my body instantly calmed down. I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew Stephen was feeling the Spirit very strongly too by the time the blessing ended. I was so exhausted, we said a prayer of gratitude and I was asleep within minutes.

I wish that was the end of the story, because that's a happy, faithful ending.

Tuesday, I woke up and vomited. My spasms were back and I felt miserable. I messaged my boss and told her I was too sick to work and would sleep more and see if that helped. Stephen tucked me back into bed and left for work. I slept some, but woke up still convulsing. I called Tiffany, who talked with her mother's husband (a doctor) and they both recommended I see a doctor. Convulsing for three days wasn't good, they said. I tried to convince her I was fine, but I started to wonder myself if this problem wasn't going to go away on its own. I took another nap around noon after I told my boss I wasn't going to make it to work that day at all. When I woke up from this nap, I was convulsing worse than I had up to that point. I was shaking all over and couldn't make myself sit still very well. Stephen called me and told me to go to a doctor too. I scheduled an appointment and asked my friend for a ride.

When I got there, I think I scared the nurse who took my vitals. Throughout my whole trip, there was not a minute where I was calm enough to sit still for more than a few seconds. The doctor walked in and looked at me like I was possessed (which I may be--anyone know an exorcist?) and asked me a million questions and checked me out. He observed me doing simple movement tasks and checked my reflexes and for the most part, I did everything just fine. He stared at his computer screen for at least ten minutes in silence as I convulsed in the corner as politely and patiently as I could. He then finally told me he had little idea what was wrong with me (comforting) and guessed it might be related to restless leg syndrome--except it happens all over my body all throughout the day with no triggers or treatments. He prescribed me some medicine used to treat Parkinson's Disease and ordered a blood test. He told me to take the medicine for the next few days and see him again on Thursday. If I don't improve by then, he'll call in some consultants, maybe a neurologist or a psychiatrist. I tried to tell my doctor that it wasn't a big deal, and he looked at me and said "Are you kidding? This is incapacitating your life." I shrugged, not able to refute him.

Getting my blood drawn was fun. The plebotomist looked at me and asked if I was ok, or if I was reacting to having my blood drawn. He said "Are you shaking because your getting your blood drawn?" I then replied, "No, I'm getting my blood drawn because I'm shaking." He had to hold my whole arm down and just stab me as soon as I was still enough. Kind of painful, actually, but it worked well enough. My friend drove me home and I laid in bed and shook until Stephen got home. He took good care of me and helped me as much as he could last night. I took the medicine and felt pretty drowsy soon afterwards. Those that know me well know I'm sensitive to medicine. I was completely loopy last night and my mind was all over the place. I probably only remember half of the things I said to Stephen. You'll have to check with him. He tucked me into bed early and let me sleep while he did his homework.

This morning, after much consultation with friends and with Stephen, I was convinced that this might be due to stress, and that I should take the week off and relax as much as possible. I stayed home from school and emailed my teachers, asking for patience from them. Stephen has been counseling me to not worry, but I still feel like I'm being lazy, or taking the easy way out, or cheating. But when I'm sitting in a chair, shaking and spazing so much that I'm gasping and making noises because my diaphragm is tensing, it's kind of impossible to sit through class without disrupting it. So I'm home today again, doing nothing because doctor's orders. It's frustrating but I'm trying to make as many jokes about it as I can and keep myself positive.

So life is crazy sometimes. There are Saturdays where I decorate my apartment with my husband and there are Tuesdays where a doctor is baffled by inability to control my muscles. Stephen assures me he loves me, even if I'm convulsing, so that's good. He says I don't take care of myself enough, and is urging me to focus on my health and not worry about school or work if necessary. I find it hard to be that selfish. But it's hard to argue with him while stuttering and thrashing in bed (p.s. I stutter too from this). I've never heard of such an affliction, and the internet hasn't seem to either. I'm doing a lot better today. Enough so that I can type out this post without too much hassle. Maybe the medication is working. Maybe this affliction is on the decline. Maybe it really is caused by stress and taking a day off or a week off will solve it. But it could be worse, and I have so much to be grateful for. At least it's not painful when I twitch. I guess moral of the story: Priesthood is awesome and the human body is a curious creation. Oh, and take it easy sometimes. I'm still learning that lesson though. I just want to do everything perfectly all at once immediately. Instead, I'm essentially on bed rest. Please, keep me in your prayer.